Need advice on girlfriend & issues as of late

[23style]

Hi everyone,

I have a feeling this might turn into a novel so I apologize in advance

I have been dating my girlfriend for 7 months now and I really love her. When we first got together it was amazing, it was so easy to be together and everything just came naturally. She went to Italy for 10 days with her Mom and it was over that period that I realized I was in love with her. When she came back, I told her and she reciprocated

A little while after that, some stuff starting happening that bugged me.

1. I asked her to go biking one night and she told me she had dinner plans. The next day she complained of the food she ate saying that it had given her a stomach cramp after she ate it. I asked where she went and she replied and told me it was at this guys house. I had no idea who this guy was. I later found out it was an ex. They never actually were "official" but were together for a year. Now they are just good friends.

She is actually friends with most of her ex's and I know one of them and he is a really cool guy, no issues with him whatsoever. But this guy, it bugged me, because I don't know him and he was her last partner and I learned about everything after the fact. So I told her it made me uncomfortable and she apologized for making me uncomfortable. I told her I was cool with her seeing him but didn't like the fact that it was at his place.

2. She mentioned one day that her guy friend was coming down from the states to visit Toronto and would stay at her place on the couch. I didn't like this and at the time she basically stated that even though I was uncomfortable with it she would still do it. Later she expressed that she felt bad about that and saw it from my point of view and said, if they come here to stay, she will let them but will stay at my place or make some other kind of arrangement.

3. One night while I was working late, while she was at work, she mentioned she had something to tell me and that, she went to this guys house because he got her a cake for graduating and she "didn't like that rule" and that if I trust her I trust her and location shouldn't matter. I told her I never made it a rule, just told her how I felt about it and that it made me uncomfortable. Her reply was "alright" and it kind of got left like that. I've talked to her about it since and her reply has been the same, she doesn't understand why it matters that she would go to his house or not...she sees it as they are just friends so why does it matter where they meet up (be it a restaurant or other). She hardly ever sees him (once in a bl. Iue moon)

4. I went to her house one day and there was a note from a guy who left it at the bar where she works stating that if she was ever in "some place" in the states (can't remember where), she should look him up as he bartends there, with a phone num. I said I didn't like that and she said that another bartender always puts that kind of stuff in her purse after people leave it on the bar. She joked that "what do you think I'm going to drive to wherever and see this guy!?!?".

She graduated from school and is having difficulty starting her business. She doesn't work very often so she has been pretty broke lately and not very happy about that. As a result, she is less affectionate lately and generally not happy. At times she can be the most amazing girl though. One day I had a talk with her and told her it seems like there was more than that going on and if she wasnt feeling it with me or maybe had feelings for someone else she should let me know now...she couldn't believe I was asking this and poked a bit of fun at me and mentioned it was strictly because she wasn't working a lot, needed a good job and then she would be happier.


Well, awhile ago, she told me to throw some music on her computer and that it was in "some tab" so I went to do it and accidentally pulled up her email. Something caught my eye (sometimes you can take in a bunch of info really quick) and I kept reading. It was a message from one of her guy friends where they were talking in sexual innuendos. I completely took it out of context and got upset about it and asked her about it. She explained it and I felt like an idiot.

She then got mad at me for reading her email (understandably) and then brought up the fact that I mentioned the number from the guy from the states and dinner at her ex's house and how she didn't deal well with jealousy.

So I told her I don't like the fact she kept the number and she says that she meets lots of people, shes in the bar industry and it doesn't mean anything other than friends. And thats how it was in that industry, if your a bartender and you hook someone up with shots, they may do the same (since hes a bartender too).

Then about the dinner with the guy she said she didn't understand why I would care about it and I told her its because I felt it was outside the realm of normal and that I dont know a single guy that would be ok with that (going to an ex's house for dinner). She said she knew lots of guys that would be ok with that and she really didn't understand what the big deal was.


That's sort of where we left it. Later she texted me and said she was not bad, but felt bad with the way that it left off and she came over after work and we snuggled (cheese I know haha).

--

Anyways, sorry again for the novel (figured that would happen), but wanted to get some outside opinions on this. I have talked to my friends, some say that is cool and they have ex girlfriends that they have dinner with (well only one said that and they have been friends for 9 years), others say they would not be cool with it but after hearing the explanations and the fact that she barely sees him, its probably ok.

If you've read this far, thank you haha

Cheers

[smackie9]

It's up to you and what you are willing to accept. Lots of people keep their exes as friends, mostly because they departed their romantic relationship on good terms. It's just dinner. It would be different if they were hanging out every weekend or texting each other everyday. Just let her know she doesn't have to keep these things from you. You should keep the communication with open and honest......this will make your relationship stronger. Another step you can take is to ask her if you can meet these guys...if they are a part of her life, then it would only be fair for you to get to know them.

[23style]

Makes sense. I've already stated that I would like to meet the guy. She asked "why? I barely ever see him" kinda thing, and I said, if he's such a good friend I'd love to meet him, I've met all your other friends and I really like all of them so it just seems natural for me to meet this guy as well.

[smackie9]

Why not suggest inviting him over for dinner? And maybe invite some friends of her other friends that knew him.....have a nice cocktail party. She might be a little more comfortable with that suggestion.

[Cerby]

Well, I read the whole thing and see the following:

You have trust issues and jealousy issues.

And lets be honest, you didn't "Accidentally" open up her email when trying to put on music, you saw the opportunity to check up on her and did. That said, I don't see anything that should be a big issue, working the bar scene means you meet people and sometimes play with their heads a bit to get better tips. Going out for dinner with an ex isn't here nor there, but she should have told you ahead of time as a courtesy.

Makes sense. I've already stated that I would like to meet the guy. She asked "why? I barely ever see him" kinda thing, and I said, if he's such a good friend I'd love to meet him, I've met all your other friends and I really like all of them so it just seems natural for me to meet this guy as well.

This is some manipulative work right here. "I met your other friends therefore I should meet them all." Her life isn't your life, you're together and thats cool, but she needs to retain some of her independance and have her own friends (even if the friend is an ex). 7 months isn't long enough for you to make these kind of requests, you're still just dating as I'm sure no commitments have been made yet.


You need to calm down a bit and stop making issues out of nothing, because if you look hard enough to find dirt on someone, you'll usually find it. Let your relationship flow, because fighting like this only 7 months in means you probably won't make it to a year.

[alwaystryin]

Agreed. She's a bartender. It's their business to network and be friendly and confident. You have to deal with at least that much if you're going to date her. And the whole I should meet all your friends? Controlling. If your insecurity stays at the forefront it will likely be the very thing that will make it easy for her to turn her attention towards someone else with more confidence.