---

[a19drift]

I hear all good things come to an end. I hear patience is a virtue. And lately, I've heard a lot of "You're stupid, why keep trying?"

I'm pretty sure all those things are true.

Because I have been trying to exercise an immense amount of patience with the man in my life, I have chosen other ways to vent or express the frustrations that I feel when he becomes ultra closed off and distant. I write about it, I watch a sad movie and cry, I have a drink, I call up a friend, I go for a walk, I bake something and beat the hell out of the dough...whatever it takes. If after a couple days the feelings don't go away and he's still closed off and brooding over God-only-knows-what, I then choose to gently confront him, because I'm insecure enough in myself and my "relationship" to need reassurances like that, that everything is okay, he told me so himself.

I made the mistake of confiding in a friend about all the goings on of this past week -- now she's been hearing the ups and the downs of my relationship for nine months, and she's always had the same awful opinion of my guy, but has understood that he makes me happy, I enjoy working for our relationship, and frankly, I'm going to do what I'm going to do, I just require that she be a genuine friend and be supportive of me. She's relatively good at this, but I think she's had enough of me showing up at work in tears or unable to function because I've stressed myself out a lot over this man -- it's my own doing, I have never been expecting pity for what's going on in my life.

Kay (my friend) cared so much apparently that she decided to write him a Facebook message, and in no uncertain terms she told him what a piece of shit man that he is, how is mother would be ashamed if she saw how he treats women, and that she can't stand the way he specifically treats me.
He wrote her back, explaining that he pays for everything ((truth) However, I have asked to HELP, to take on my own share of the bills, but then he "wouldn't be able to ask me to leave if I paid for anything" Direct quote.) he includes me in 90% of the things he does (truth) and is thankful to have me in his life (up for speculation) but that she has no right to form this opinion having never met him etcetera. "I don't understand why you woman always assume the worst, why some of you think that us guys have to drop everything in our lives to cater to your bullshit demands." And went on to assume that the issue here was the fact that he has female friends. (That's not the issue, it's the fact that one of his male friends is SETTING HIM UP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN and he thinks I have no clue.)

He was then, of course, angry with me. Because I must make him out to be the worst man in the world -- a total dick. Which, he is, but I don't make him out that way. Kay, for instance, will ask a question, I will respond, she'll say, "What an asshole!" and I spring to defend him with any and all reasons that could possible explain away his actions and thought process.

I expected his anger. I expected that he revert back to the same old conversation, "I think it's a mistake that you live with me, this is moving way too fast."

I didn't expect that to be very closely followed with, "You have until Wednesday to get out. I've never met any of your friends, but they all think I'm a piece of shit, maybe you should listen to them."

He's determined that we had a good run, we should cut our losses.
I'm just this side of devastated.

Turns out, he has never gotten over the fact that I snooped through his phone a couple times, and I understand why -- what I can't really figure out is if he cares about me, does he not care for my piece of mind? Does he not comprehend that his shady attitude and total lack of communication is what made me want to dig in and find out what the hell was going on? That despite all the reasoning I could hand him, more than anything I regret it so much, and wish everyday to undo what I have done, but that's completely impossible.

I guess --- this relationship was never real to him, and I've been the only one fighting for it. I guess I'm convenient because I've always fought, and he's never had to. I guess he only cares about me as much as he does any other random human being, I just cook well and fold his clothes just right, something.

I had thought it would be worth it to him to communicate with me better so that instead of having drama in our lives we would end up stronger for our trials and tribulations.

I didn't know I'd get kicked out. Had no clue he'd decide he was done with me. But, if everything the users of this forum have told me, and the general course of history are to be proven -- I should have expected this.

[smackie9]

You have the classic symptoms of a battered wife. It doesn't have to be physical abuse, it can be emotional abuse.....not all of this his fault....a lot of this does fall on to you for not making the right decisions. Please seek out professional help.

[a19drift]

Excuse me, did I EVER SAY IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT?

Nope. Sure did not. I'm a pro at taking the blame.

[Wakeup]

I'm sorry, drift. At least you won't be there when he cheats on you with this chippy his friend is going to be setting him up with.

You don't know it right now, but you'll eventually realize that you are far better off without him. This has been 9 months of you struggling to make an apathetic man love you. Time you start to love yourself and take the steps necessary to rid yourself of him for good. Go zero contact once you're out of there and for goodness sakes, don't go back to him after he's finished with the "chippy." He'll still be the apathetic, closed up and unyielding asshole that he's always been.

It's not your fault he's an asshole, it's just too bad you didn't have enough self esteem to take back your personal power, realize it yourself and left him on your own. It would have been easier on your ego had you taken back your personal power that way.

I wish you the strength to keep away from him... where will you go?

[smackie9]

You blame yourself for the wrong things....it's like you think you weren't good enough for him, or you didn't do enough for him, you could have been a better GF to him.....but that's not true. It's the fact you were constantly convincing yourself this was a great guy and can be reformed. With your low self-esteem, strong dependency, and the lack of personal identity, you felt compelled to hold onto a relationship no matter how it hurt.


Psychological denial is known as an important mechanism for screening out painful knowledge from conscious awareness, but it can also blind us to truths that are obvious to others......you didn't fail this relationship.....there was no relationship.

[smackie9]

I truly hope you never get caught up in something like this again....you deserve much better.

[Wakeup]

I'll add that I told you this a while back, it still applies:

I think you'd really do well to read some titles on codependency. Just discovering if you are can free you from the need to control outcomes. Codependent people are not happy because they try to control outcomes and fail at it. Once you know the only person you have 100% control over IS YOURSELF and accept that fact, you'll be far happier in general.

Try your best to take things one day at a time while you recover from this.

[smackie9]

I'll add that I told you this a while back, it still applies:

I think you'd really do well to read some titles on codependency. Just discovering if you are can free you from the need to control outcomes. Codependent people are not happy because they try to control outcomes and fail at it. Once you know the only person you have 100% control over IS YOURSELF and accept that fact, you'll be far happier in general.

Try your best to take things one day at a time while you recover from this.

Since the thanks application is still missing, I agree with this. There's a lot of self help books out there that could shed some light on this issue. Just go find yourself a local bookstore and do some browsing to keep yourself busy.

[tremolo]

Everyone is right. You deserve to have a boyfriend who treats you properly and doesn't make you crazy and sad all the time. I know you feel right now like you've lost something, but it wasn't anything really wanted to have, trust me. You will realize this when you meet that right guy who doesn't do any of the crappy things this douche did to you, and loves you the way you are meant to be loved.

[sadie_genie]

The more he resist, the more you want to make it work. But you can`t change a guy.

[Journey2Virtue]

The fact of the matter is, you can't make someone feel or act a certain way towards you. This didn't happen overnight. If anything, he has been telling you how he really feels about you and your relationship for quite some time, even if he didn't state it bluntly. You know what you want and what you need. And you know you are not happy if you settle for less. You have been settling and wanting to get back with him is you making a conscious decision to continue to settle. In other words, you are choosing to be unhappy.
I think you should let this guy go, and spend a lot of time building up your self-esteem. Ok he's guilty of not loving and respecting you the way he should, but you are guilty of treating yourself with the same lack of self-love and self-respect. You know what you deserve. If you do this, you will get what you want from a good guy who's willing to give it you and you'll avoid relationships that are not mutually beneficial.

[Journey2Virtue]

You have the classic symptoms of a battered wife. It doesn't have to be physical abuse, it can be emotional abuse.....not all of this his fault....a lot of this does fall on to you for not making the right decisions. Please seek out professional help.

emotional abuse? She never once said he purposely made her feel bad about herself and who she was a s a person, which is what emotional abuse is. He's just guilty of being neglectful and distant at most. She's not an abuse victim.
You can't blame the other person for one having low self-esteem. I'm not saying that his behavior is acceptable, but you can't say someone is abusive if they aren't physically and/or verbally aggressive; and they dont purposely make the other person feel like shit as a way of manipulating or controlling them.

Not trying to start anything, but abuse is a very serious vice and I feel like sometimes its thrown around to easily. I think its very important to identify when there's real phsyical/verbal/mental/emotional abuse and to address it. So erroneously associating something or someone with abuse is wrong and dangerous.

If she did describe abusive behaviors in other posts, sorry, I didn't see those. But she didn't mention any in this one. Feeling bad because someone doesn't feel and act a certain way towards you, isn't abuse. Its just the sucky part of love, which is completely different.

[IndiReloaded]

I'll add that I told you this a while back, it still applies:

I think you'd really do well to read some titles on codependency. Just discovering if you are can free you from the need to control outcomes. Codependent people are not happy because they try to control outcomes and fail at it. Once you know the only person you have 100% control over IS YOURSELF and accept that fact, you'll be far happier in general.

Try your best to take things one day at a time while you recover from this.

LOL, I just read your first post and was about to say "WU, this might actually be a good person to recommend your codependency books to".

Good luck Adrift. He is surely a jerk. You need to find your emotional reset button.

[Journey2Virtue]

Also I totally agree with everyone else, that you take way too much blame.

But on the flipside, I know what its like to have someone bad mouth you to other people and then come tell you how much they love you. I'm definitely not taking his side. But from personal experience, When it comes to the point where your significant other's friends are bad mouthing you & even feel strongly enough to tell you off, you can only come to one conclusion: "If I treat you sooo badly, and you tell more than one person about what a horrible person I am, why are we still together?" I'm not saying you should edit and sugar-coat what you tell your friends. Nor am I saying it was wrong for her to stand up for you. But I think we have a bad habit of venting when things are bad and we really don't talk about when things are going well. So it may come across to your friends that at worst he's just an asshole and at best he's an emotionally neglectful and distant boyfriend. Either way he's no good for you. And it doesn't do much when you paint the picture of a prick, then try to defend him afterwards. To your friends, its just cuz you're so sweet and such a wonderful person, you're surgar-coating the fact that he's a jerk.

You need to look at this objectively, and try your best to put your emotions aside. It may not be that he's just a bonafide asshole (if that were the case you should've gladly move out a long time ago), and its definitely not that you're doing something wrong or not doing something right. It just may be lack of compatibility. There's something in his character and something in yours that just don't mesh.This may not be an issue for some people, but its clearly an issue for you. If his moods can bring you to tears. This isnt something you can ignore or just deal with. Its going to keep coming up. Despite how well you get along other times and how well your personalities click in other aspects.

I know its shocking and devastating to be kicked out of where you live. But be honest with yourself, and maybe you'll see that its for the best.