confounded

[ms77]

Hello. I'm new here and in need of some advice. I'll try and not be too wordy...

Ok, here goes.

I have a "friend" (she is actually a roommate) who has been throwing me for a massive loop for the last year. I am attracted to her and told her this early on because I wasn't entirely sure if she was attracted to me. She said she would prefer to be friends and I was ok with that. A couple of months after we were living together, we were having some drinks in the kitchen and she wanted to come up to my room. I told her, bad idea, but she insisted. I caved and when she came up, she started kissing me. I chalked it up to her being drunk and did not take advantage. The next day, she wanted nothing to do with me and didn't speak to me for days. When she finally did speak to me, she acted as though her avoidance of me never even happened, but I letter it slide. This back and forth behavior has persisted.

Fast forward to more recent times:

In mid-October we were on speaking terms. She asked me one night to go out for drinks and I agreed. Things were going fine and then at random she asks if I want to go home and have sex; I blew it off. We get home and she takes me in her room; wanting me to get in bed with her. Alcohol in my system, I complied. Then she asks if I want to **** her. Wasn't sure how to respond and before I could she says its never going to happen. I leave and, beginning the next day, she acts like I don't exist again.

Having dealt with this before and just shrugging it off, I decided to confront her about it. She flipped out and said she wanted nothing to do with me and to leave her alone... so, confused, I did.

Until the Monday following Thanksgiving, she has avoided me. That night at 2:30 AM she called me and woke me up wanting me to come out on the front porch. I went out and she started hugging and kissing on me, telling me she missed me... She seemed drunk so I coaxed her back indoors. She unzipped her jacket and was wearing nothing. She seemed stunned and quickly zipped it back up. When I asked about it she said some stuff that really just made no sense.

I went to bed without pressing any further and for the last two weeks things were back to "good". Though I have been a nervous wreck due to the past.

Now this morning, I'm leaving for work and notice her bedroom door is open (its next to the front door). I pulled it shut and then texted her about it in case the door shutting woke her up. She never replied. I get home today and its back to me being ignored.

Is she just totally insane? How do I cope with someone is so dissociative when things have gone "wrong"?

I really do care for her and do my best to be mindful and respectful of her, but my nerves and emotions can't seem to handle it. She's like a minefield without any "safe zones" for me to tread.

Moving just isn't an option for me right now and avoiding her only works momentarily. Any survival tips?

[MerryH]

Moving just isn't an option for me right now and avoiding her only works momentarily.

It only works momentarily because you cave and start talking to her again or letting her kiss on you or whatever. Does she only do that stuff when she's drunk? If so, that's why she's doing it. When she's sober, which is when you should be taking her at her word, her intentions are clear. She told you she doesn't want anything to do with you. It would be really unwise of you to let anything happen the next time she's drunk and comes on to you.

Just avoid her, for real this time.

[ms77]

Most occasions, she has been drinking when she all of a sudden decides to be more affectionate toward me, but its not the rule. There have been times that she was sober and wanted to do things like massages.

Even though she will avoid me after these times or flip out on me if I try to address it, she will always come back around, as if she feels guilty for her behavior, but never brings up why she acts that way. I do not chase after her during these periods. It is always her that comes calling after me. I've even told her that she doesn't owe me anything and that if she does not want to be friend, she doesn't need to pretend that she does... she just looks at me confused when I say things like that to her.

When she is talking to me, she is sober most of the time. She will randomly call me to tell me about some thing while she's out and about or ask when I'm getting home from work, etc... things friends might do. That's why I feel she isn't being clear about anything. If she ONLY associated with when intoxicated and always avoided me when sober, I'd say its specific to the alcohol, but it isn't.

I always keep up a guard and I never attempt to get personal with her. During the times we are "off", if I need to contact her about the house, I keep it specific to that and only send a text. Generally, in a day or two, she will tell me she misses me or some other thing.

I say my avoidance of her is only temporary because we share the home and, eventually, some type of contact will be required. She knows that I care for her and I feel its being used against me. I just wish I knew what she wants from me. I'm not buying her gifts or spending money on her or doing her a bunch of favors. If she doesn't like me, isn't attracted to me, isn't really looking for sex from me and I'm not providing her with a "use" for the other things I just mentioned, then why doesn't she just stay away or just be cordial?