Your thoughts on.....subservience?

[annon25]

Since my last relationship, I have a tendency to be a little subservient. I'm not sure if that is the word I want to use. When I am my boyfriends house, I voluntarily fold his laundry, make his bed, tidy up his room. [I went as far as cleaning my ex's bathroom--won't do THAT again!] The other night my boyfriend said "I have a surprise for you," and brought out a load of laundry from the garage. I playfully told him off, we laughed it off, and he did it himself. In the back of my head, I thought "Oh crap, have I set a precedent?" Later that night, I put clean sheets on his bed and cleaned up his room while he played games in the next room. I couldn't help it. I knew he would notice, and that it would make him happy. I wasn't at all bitter or resentful about it. He even responded positively to it, like he appreciated it. After I cooked dinner for him for the first time, he jokes to his mom that he's "domesticated me." [I didn't take offense to it.]

I think that I do things like that because it makes me feel like a good girlfriend. It's not even about housework all the time. I think it's just part of my personality to want to "help" or feel appreciated. However, like I said, I'm worried that my actions are setting a precedent that I might not be able to take back.

What do you, as males think of this tendency of mine?

[Mona_B]

I am a female, but I think it is kind of weird and yes, it will definitely be setting a precedent. Do you want to be his girlfriend or his maid? You should ask yourself why you need to do such things to feel appreciated.

[pisces25]

I think it's just part of my personality to want to "help" or feel appreciated.
I would be careful of this. You are potentially seeking acceptance outside of who you are as a person. A recipe for disaster.

[bcgirl]

It needs to be a 50/50 relationship. Once upon a time, the woman would be the one staying at home doing laundry, cooking, cleaning etc. but the man went to work hard and bring home the dough. Now a days, women are working just as hard as men and bringing home the dough. It's the year 2011. Both should do the house chores. You do everything now for him, he will expect it all the time....then one day that you don't clean for him, he will start getting mad. I'm a married woman and my husband and I both work, he cooks while I clean. We both help with laundry and both do grocery shopping together. I think it's very healthy this way.
The worst thing is you slaving away cooking dinner, while he sits and plays video games and yelling across the room "WHEN IS DINNER READY? I'M STARVING!"

[vashti]

You don't sound like a girlfriend... you sound like a mother. Be careful. He may appreciate your efforts now, but remember: men don't lust after their mothers.

[Wakeup]

I agree with Vashti:

I think it's just part of my personality to want to "help" or feel appreciated. [/I]

If you want to help then help him to realize that you're not his mother instead of re-inforcing to him that you're acting just like her. Have a conversation with him that you don't want to end up him viewing you as his mom by you doing all these "Mom" type things for him. You're relationship is obviously new. Wait until the honeymoon wears off and you've taught him that he can pitch his crappy shorts on the floor and you'll pick them up, wash and iron them for him. I do believe, you'll resent it when the appreciation stops and he takes you for granted, "Mom."

Quit enabling him to be a slob and instead teach him that a man that keeps a nice place is very attractive indeed.

I wonder why you get your self-worth through doing things for him that he should be doing himself as routine?

[bulrush]

I don't think it's really subservience. It sounds like that's just how you want to express you care for him. At least he is being grateful about your work. If he stops being grateful, talk to him about it, and don't do those things until he appreciates what you do. Nothing wrong with doing what you're doing unless he takes you for granted.

My gf cooks for me and I make sure to thank her each time and offer to help with dishes. She likes cooking. She is not my maid, and I don't treat her like one. I treat her like the very special person she is. I do things for her too like fix things around her house, help her with yard work, etc.

If my gf picked out clothes for me to wear, I would draw the line on that one and we'd have a talk. It's about what YOU are comfortable with. But also remember, you are setting a precedent. Is he able to cook and clean for himself? Or he just doesn't want to?

[bcgirl]

My gf cooks for me and I make sure to thank her each time and offer to help with dishes. She likes cooking. She is not my maid, and I don't treat her like one. I treat her like the very special person she is. I do things for her too like fix things around her house, help her with yard work, etc.

Yes, that is the difference though. She cooks, you help with dishes. She does laundry, you do yard work. There is balance.

In the OP's relationship, she cooks, cleans, does his laundry while he is playing video games. Not cool.