Am I reall asking too much? Are my needs irrational?

[floridasun]

I’m 20, boyfriend is 24, we’ve been together for about a year. Neither of us have lied, cheated, or stole from one another. There’s no flirting, caught text messages, or glances at girls at bars. Nothing. Which makes the decision he’s basically FORCING ME to make a lot harder.

Well I kind of know when it started going south – he monitors my menstrual cycle, because he refuses to wear a condom, and if it’s a day late, he freaks out. I was 3 weeks late once, and he was convinced I was pregnant…even wanted me to schedule for an abortion. I know that periods can be all over the place, so I said, “well we have to take a test first”. It came back negative, and he started accusing me of faking a pregnancy. WHEN HE KEEPS MORE TRACK OF MY PERIOD THAN I DO, AND HE’S THE ONE WHO EVEN NOTICED!!!!

I work 3 jobs, have multiple pets, car loan, house payments, etc. etc. I pay everything by myself. I have never asked him for money, even when I’m broke. I’d spend my last dime to take him out somewhere.
He works part time at one job. He spends his money on everyone and everything but me. He maintains his housing and bills, but by the time I see him he’s broke from spending all his money at the bar with his friends, or on a 300 dollar scooter that doesn’t even WORK. And then he expects me to feed him or smoke him out, or something along those lines. If I didn’t have money, we’d never do a god damned thing.

He has never kept plans with me. When I say never, I literally mean since our first date. Most of the time he refuses to make them with me in the first place. He does this because, his words verbatim: “I’m not listening to you bitch every night”. Implying that he has no intentions of ever keeping plans with me. He just wants a way out of it so I can’t say “BUT YOU PROMISED!!!”.

I am not clingy. In fact, the only time I text him is usually around dinner time to see if I have a chance of seeing him that night. He doesn’t really let me talk to him otherwise. He’s either: “Busy at work”, “Out with my friends”, “Tired from work”, or just plain “Busy”. So we only communicate to ask each other questions.
On the rare occasion I see him before 11pm, it is because I’ve threatened to break up with him so he magically frees up, or because he feels its time for his once a week duty of pretending to remember me.

Now look, I am not bashing him. These are legitimate FACTS. Whatever the reasoning or excuses, they’re still facts. Actual documented, timestamped (the beauty of technology) occurances.

I’m also not trying to judge or anything, but I find it hard to believe someone of his occupation and general LACK of actual working hours would be SO busy that they can NEVER see me, even after a year of dating. Swear to god, if he was a doctor or a lawyer, or something else demanding, I would understand. He works in a retail store.

Keep I mind I work 3 jobs. I don’t even think he knows what tired means.

We used to play around fight, like in the bedroom, and stuff like that. Then it became him slapping me, pulling my hair, and calling me names in front of his friends. They usually sit there looking extremely uncomfortable, and I’ve seen more than a few people leave because they’re sick of listening to me beg him to get the **** off me.

Any feeling I express to him, even if it is happiness or excitement, is me being “IRRATIONAL AND CRAZY”. He could literally burn my house down, and I wouldn’t be allowed to bat an eye.

He doesn’t steal from me, he doesn’t lie. But that’s the problem…he doesn’t even lie to save my feelings. He doesn’t care.
I know its super easy to just break up with someone and walk away. But the thing is, even if he hates my guts and has no respect for me, I love myself. And I do not want to have myself crying for the next few weeks. I don’t want to be upset; I don’t want to be alone. Plus, he literally wouldn’t care. It wouldn’t be “punishing” him, or “showing him what he’s missing”.

I literally BEG him to do things. “Please, you know I moved all my stuff out of my house and I have nowhere to stay for the next 3 days until my new lease starts….could you give me a place to sleep? I won’t have a house to go to, so just for the next three days, could you PLEASE answer my phone calls before 10pm? I don’t want to have to sleep in my car.”
Then last night he didn’t call me until 1am. Thank god I anticipated this, and was crashing at a friend’s house already. He told me he was drinking and forgot. So when I got to his house, I told him to give me his phone. I read aloud each text message I had sent him that his phone had received, and his singular response, which was him telling me to come to his house at 11:15pm. I showed him the response as it appeared on my phone. I then read off the timestamps from every other text he sent, and every read email. I asked him how he could “miss” my text messages, yet text with 4 other people the entire time I was texting him, and calling him. I didn’t want an answer, facts are facts. I just needed him to know that he doesn’t even put effort into his lies, and I know it.

HE CARES SO LITTLE ABOUT ME HE CAN’T EVEN PUT EFFORT INTO HIS LIES!!!

It is just the worst hurt I‘ve ever felt, you know? I’ve been cheated on, lied to, left in the dust, etc etc….but I’ve never had someone just not care about me. Tell me they love me every day, trick me into thinking they care verbally, and then doing nothing but everything in their power to make me feel like total shit. And then denying me the rights to how I feel, and refusing to listen to me.

He told me he never wants to live with me, he never wants to get married, he never wants to have kids. Keep in mind, I never ASKED him any of those questions. He makes sure to tell me constantly that he wants none of those things.

I know that relationships aren’t easy, and not everybody is the same. But I just expected us to at least TREAT each other equally.

And me not calling him, or not texting him, or letting him do things on his time would only make him happier, and me progressively more miserable. I need someone I can share things with, someone who cares about how my day went, and someone who is terrified of the thought of losing me.

[Boisdevie]

He is a class one asshole. Dump him and find someone better.

[searock]

Why are you even still with him!?

[floridasun]

He is a class one asshole. Dump him and find someone better.

Right!! Like I can't even reason with or try to understand it. Things just are the way the are sometimes, I guess!

[floridasun]

Why are you even still with him!?

Ugh because generally, like on paper, he's better than 90% of guys my age. He lives alone, pays bills, works, and is super smart and has goals. I've dated around a lot in my town, and I'm just so nervous I'll end up with a loser or some guy who can't even do math or read a newspaper, you know?

I think maybe this is why people say that people so young shouldn't even date. Because its just dumb and never works. You have to wait until everybody is foaming at the mouth for a relationship because they're old and they finally realize life isn't all about doing whatever the hell you want. But the prospect of having to wait YEARS until my dating pool grows the hell up is depressing.

[searock]

I don't know about where you live, but I'm 22 and there are plenty of guys my age who are smart and responsible and are NOT assholes too! But even if it were not the case, I'd rather be single than in a "relationship" with a guy like him.

[floridasun]

I don't know about where you live, but I'm 22 and there are plenty of guys my age who are smart and responsible and are NOT assholes too! But even if it were not the case, I'd rather be single than in a "relationship" with a guy like him.

Good point. I'm such a hopeless romantic. I hate to see things end, but I know if it doesn't end now it'll be next week, or next month. But I definitely can't see myself dealing with crap like that forever.

[bulrush]

Why are you even still with him?

Ugh because generally, like on paper, he's better than 90% of guys my age. He lives alone, pays bills, works, and is super smart and has goals. I've dated around a lot in my town, and I'm just so nervous I'll end up with a loser or some guy who can't even do math or read a newspaper, you know?

You think he has potential, but clearly he is not meeting it. He has a job but can't manage his money? How much potential is there in that? Being books smart is NOT the same as being successful. You have to leverage your books smarts into a great job, and manage your money well, to be successful.

I think maybe this is why people say that people so young shouldn't even date. Because its just dumb and never works.

Not true. You have to know where the good quality people hang out. I'm in my 40s and I just found out.

You have to wait until everybody is foaming at the mouth for a relationship because they're old and they finally realize life isn't all about doing whatever the hell you want. But the prospect of having to wait YEARS until my dating pool grows the hell up is depressing.

Again, not true. Most of these people don't grow up. Again, I'm old enough to see that, and hear stories from my past dates. The guys are still really immature. They just never grow up. Why grow up when you can have beer?

but I’ve never had someone just not care about me. Tell me they love me every day, trick me into thinking they care verbally, and then doing nothing but everything in their power to make me feel like total shit. And then denying me the rights to how I feel, and refusing to listen to me.

I'm sorry this is hard for you. Change is hard. A divorce was harder. But you accept what he says and don't judge him on his actions, which you should do. You should ignore what he says, and judge him on his actions. His actions do not say he's a great guy. He's pretty low on the food chain if you ask me.

If you want to be happier, find a different guy, one that will:

1. listen to you
2. solve relationship problems with you
3. admit when he is wrong to solve said problems
4. be there for you
5. sincerely care about you
6. spend time with you

[floridasun]

You think he has potential, but clearly he is not meeting it. He has a job but can't manage his money? How much potential is there in that? Being books smart is NOT the same as being successful. You have to leverage your books smarts into a great job, and manage your money well, to be successful.


Not true. You have to know where the good quality people hang out. I'm in my 40s and I just found out.



Again, not true. Most of these people don't grow up. Again, I'm old enough to see that, and hear stories from my past dates. The guys are still really immature. They just never grow up. Why grow up when you can have beer?



I'm sorry this is hard for you. Change is hard. A divorce was harder. But you accept what he says and don't judge him on his actions, which you should do. You should ignore what he says, and judge him on his actions. His actions do not say he's a great guy. He's pretty low on the food chain if you ask me.

If you want to be happier, find a different guy, one that will:

1. listen to you
2. solve relationship problems with you
3. admit when he is wrong to solve said problems
4. be there for you
5. sincerely care about you
6. spend time with you

What an insightful response I tend to beat myself up over things HE'S done...I mean I know that you can't make people do anything or think anything, so I just keep HOPING he'll get with the program.
He's definitely very immature.

[Lover14]

you deserve some respect and he's clearly not giving you any. You'll be better off without him. Plenty more fish in the sea