depression and finding someone.

[dankarate_]

hello everyone, im new to this forum (new to forums altogether if im honest)
im posting to ask anyone and everyones advice.

im 20 years old, and have been suffering from clinical depression for the past year (diagnosed) and have suffered from mild depressive episodes all my life.
i havn't had anyone in my life properly since i was 15/16, and anyone ive been with since then have only made me feel even worse about myself

i believe it is important to know the main problems tied in with relationships and depression for anyone who doesnt already know.. firstly, depression makes you HATE yourself, you're convinced that you are ugly disguisting and that nobody wants to be with you; secondly being depressed makes you scared, no, terrified of the outside world, thirdly nobody wants to be intimate with a boring depressing person, becuase they're no fun!

my worry is that if i do find someone, and anything happens is that, i dont want to put that person through being with me, with all my instabilities and lack of self confidence, its just not fair.

so my question is... is anyone out there who has suffered from depression, and knows if finding someone special will help me at all, if so how much would i need to adjust myself to do so. and also, in your opinion, would it be fair?! should i even be trying to fill the hole in my life? or should i wait (albeit for a long time) to get recovered?

sorry for the long post, hopefully someone can get back to me soon?

cheers, Daniel.

[MaidenMinx]

Hi Daniel,

I have suffered depression my whole life (my doctor is starting to tell me I was born with it). I am a newly wed (married this past June) though I have been with my now husband for 8 years and we have a beautiful son.

I can tell you in no uncertain terms, no it is not fair to a potential partner to be with someone while you have problems. At the same time, problems can be worked on while you are with someone and there are some wonderful people out there that will be with you while you work on those problems.

I would honestly suggest though that you get you happy first. It is possible. When I am in councelling and am medicated and keeping fit I am good and happy and healthy (both in body and mind). It's when the shit hit's the fan that I fall apart and everything goes downhill.

One advantage though of getting healthy before getting into a relationship is that you will have better reasoning abilities and there fore have a greater chance of picking a better partner. Hook up with the wrong person while you are down and they will try to keep you there because that's where they need you to be so they can keep functioning. (I did that kind of realtionship for 4.5 years.)

Also, did you know that for people suffering mild to moderate depression, 30 mins of exercise a day can be as effective as antidepressants. Just some food for thought.

[vashti]

I agree 100% with MaidenMinx, but want to add that you owe it to your future mate to bring a healthy person into the relationship.

[pisces25]

hey Dan
Welcome to the forum. To add my two cents worth don't consider finding a partner in terms of 'helping' you but to find a partner to share a life with, as we all do. Perhaps if you meet someone you click with just be open and honest from the word go about your depression and how you have techniques in dealing with it but there are times when you will have episodes. IMO being open and honest is your best bet. Yes some people will probably run for the hills but others may not and see it as a part of YOU - which it is. In the meantime, work on making yourself as positive and healthy as you can for if someone comes along.

My ex suffers depression, amongst other things, and he goes from r/ship to r/ship looking for that 'hole' to be filled. Needless to say it doesn't work and it will probably take him a long time to figure that out, maybe never. I couldn't help him simply because he hated himself so much and he was in r/ships for the wrong reasons. If you go into one for the right reasons and have someone understanding I am sure it will work out ok for you. Good luck.

[bulrush]

I have 3 maladies whose symptoms look exactly like depression, and one is clinical depression. It took me 7 years to find the right meds to treat all three maladies, now I found the right meds (lithium! yay!) and I'm a new man. I'm confident, I can do smalltalk, I have the energy to work out, and I look great and feel great.

Try different meds, including lithium, and see how they work. Lithium has no side effects and it's generic and cheap. It is less than my copay for generic meds.

Before I got on meds I was a body builder, 90 minutes per day, 4-5 days per week. Some exercise helped...to a point. I also was required to take a speech class in college. Best thing I ever did for my confidence. I continued public speaking occasionally in my office jobs doing presentations, which helped my confidence more. I went to office parties, practiced small talk whenever I could. The more I practiced, the better I got.

First step for you: find the right meds. Give a med 3 months to work. If it doesn't work find something new.

I'm also on 4000iu of Vit D (per doctor), and 8333% Vit B12, both of which help my energy levels a lot. A blood test confirmed I have low D and B12. Low B12 is caused by one of my other maladies.

I did find a loving gf and she also helped me by listening to me talk when I had a bad day. Though in the end we were not compatible, she did make a big impact on my life.

One bad thing for me, about relationships, was I thought I needed an aggressive woman. I did not like submissive women at the time. It turned out, another gf turned her aggression on me! My condition messed up my choices in women sometimes. While I still like assertive women, I'm careful to make sure they don't have any mental problems and are not abusive.

Yes, you can find someone, but make sure they don't have too many problems. Identify problems early on. Are they abusive? Are they too clingy? Are they there for you when you need them? Are they loving, kind and sincere?

[vashti]

Lithium has no side effects and it's generic and cheap.

ALL medications have side effects, even OTC ones. Most of Lithium's side effects do not become apparent unless you are at a toxic level, but can include weight gain, birth defects, seizures, asthenia and ataxia, tremors, convulsions, lethargy, and renal failure.

[dankarate_]

thanks for all the responses everyone it helped alot!

yeah, ive been thinking about medication, however i want to try and find an alternative if at all possible.
ive recently had to take a gap year out of my university course because of the depression, also i've recently quit smoking marijuana, i used to as a way to relax if i had a bad day (in the long run of course it didnt help at all lol)
i want to try and avoid medication if possible, but im thinking its probably gonna be my only option left.

finding love ISNT my main priority at this point in my life, because i have a nasty habit of being "friend zoned" instantly and that kinda makes stuff worse! however, like a few of you have mentioned, i WOULD like someone who i feel close enough to talk to about everything that im feeling, without feeling like im being judged, and i find it difficult to open up to people (even family) about how i truly feel.

[sssspanos]

Don't fight taking medication. SSRI s might help you a lot in your effort. Consult a psychiatrist. As you are diagnosed I think it's obvious you must do it. You deserve it!

[MaidenMinx]

If you are resistant to medication, please get yourself a gym membership and/or a personal trainer. Not sure where you are but here in Aus there is a program called fit for life that will (with a doctors or psychologists referral) provide you with work out gear, gym membership and access to personal trainers that want to work with people to overcome depression. You stated your depression is mild, please only go for meds when all other options fail.

Personally, I'm on the severe end of the scale so I know I need meds and exercise to stay balanced, exercise alone won't do it for me. At the same time, meds alone don't keep me feeling well either. The old adage healthy body healthy mind is my new mantra. I'm applying for a scholarship to do my personal trainer course so I can help people with depression (when I am set up a dr's referral will get people free assistance. I don't expect to make much money). It is soo very important.

Also, try st Johns Wart. It's a herbal remedy for depression. You can not use it in conjunction with prescribed anti-depressants so do give it a go first.