He can't get over his ex :(

[searock]

I would agree 100% with you if my bf and I didn't have any history of our own. We had an emotional affair going since way before we started dating - while he was still with his ex gf and I was still with my ex bf. I know how it is with break-ups, I've had my fair share. The second and last time I broke up with my ex boyfriend, I took a month to myself, to heal and process everything. To this day I still haven't got 100% over him. As for my current bf, he and his ex broke up twice and then got back together, they took "breaks" many times, etc. Especially in the last couple of years they were together, it was almost as if they weren't even together. When they did communicate/see each other (which would happen very rarely), they would fight 80% of the time. It definitely wasn't a linear process and he had loads of time to make a final decision. So I know it is perfectly normal for him to have those feelings as well - even stronger than mine, since he didn't take any time to heal at all. He did unconsciously use to believe that being with me would help him get over his ex. He would never say it and is convinced that it's not true, but I know it is, it's normal. He only recently understood that it's not that simple, that is why he decided to get counseling.

He had feelings for me since way before he broke up with his ex, that's why I don't think I am just a rebound. I know him well, we have been best friends for 3 years, I understand and accept his feelings. I am OK, as long as there is progress, even if only a slight one. Which there appears to be : ).

[bcgirl]

"Rebound" can have a whole slew of meanings. It basically means a person of the opposite sex that aids you in getting your mind off your break-up. Most people do develop emotional attachments to their rebounds since we are all human. A rebound can also be a sexual or emotional affair. You are having problems in your own relationship and become vulnerable needing aid from the opposite sex to help you feel better in the moment. I know all too well about it, i should write a book. I was completely head over heels in love with my ex boyfriend, I knew we weren't right for each other....but I loved him and he loved me. When things got bad between us, i was sad and lonely.....i found comfort with rebounds to get my mind off my boyfriend. Ofcourse you get attached emotionally to certain people that have been very kind to you, but no one can compare to the love i had for my boyfriend. I thought at the time being with at least someone other than my boyfriend would be better than being alone....wrong, i learned the hard way. I've gotten guys to fall madly in love with me, introduce me to their parents, yada, yada, yada..... it was all flattering and helped me at the time when I was sad, but my heart at the time never healed from the hurt. Instead I was just putting bandaid after bandaid on a wound and never actually allowing that wound to be exposed and get oxygen to heal properly. During the time you are hurt and emotionally confused, your mind plays tricks on you leading you to perhaps believe that you may be "in love" with someone else. Only when you get older and allow yourself to heal properly will you find out that this was only an illusion that your mind played on you as a survival mode. What he needs to do to that wound is rip out that bandaid, allow the wound to bleed, put alcohol on it to disinfect (even though it might hurt as hell), allow the wound to breath and it will heal eventually. What he is doing is allowing a bandaid to cover his wound. Sure, the bandaid seemed to do the job at the beginning, but now the bandaid is old and raggidy and an infection is forming around the wound due to not taking care of it properly...the infection will just get bigger if he doesn't heal it now.

[searock]

I agree with you. Do you think the fact that we had the emotional affair even during the rare moments in which things with his ex gf were OK is in any way a positive sign for me? Sometimes he would be all like "yay finally things are going fine with my gf : D" but then he would start thinking about me again, he couldn't help it, and things with his gf would deteriorate again. Does this mean anything good at all?

Also: in the beginning of our relationship, things were actually a LOT worse than they are now. He was still devastated from the break-up and was often cold and detached with me. Now all that has slowly changed and he is very close to me in every way. Things are getting better, not worse.

[bcgirl]

[QUOTED]o you think the fact that we had the emotional affair even during the rare moments in which things with his ex gf were OK is in any way a positive sign for me? Sometimes he would be all like "yay finally things are going fine with my gf : D" but then he would start thinking about me again, he couldn't help it, and things with his gf would deteriorate again. Does this mean anything good at all?

[/QUOTE]

I've done the exact same thing he has. But what I can say is that i bet money that if his ex would send him a love letter.....he would fall for her all over again and have the same emotional affair he had with you, with her. There is no real way to find out his feelings because he would absolutely deny his real love for his ex and tell you things you'd want to hear in order not to lose you. All you can go by is your gut and the little pieces of emotional clues he is leaving behind.

One of my good girlfriends broke up with "K" 9 years ago. She was heart broken at the time and didn't fully allow herself to heal properly. She met someone while she was with "K" and they had an emotional/sexual affair. They ended up breaking up for good due to many reasons. She ended up falling in love with this guy (rebound)....lets call him "B". Fast forward 9 years. "B" and her are married with 2 kids and a beautiful house. She still is in love with "K". She still thinks about "K" from 9 years ago every single day. She still hasn't got over him completely. I feel sorry for her husband "B" because he is a terrific guy who adores her and his children with her. It's just a shame that the feelings are not recipicol. She loves her husband ofcourse.....but, she still calls her ex boyfriend "the love of her life", the one that she regrets got away....

[Wakeup]

Sea: With all due respect. Your update in this thread is the first positive thing you've allowed out of your typing fingers since I've been a member of this board. Please don't hover here and start listening to stories about friends of friends who did this or did that and 'to this day's' you right into being paranoid and unhappy again.

Can you possibly just relax for 10 mins and actually enjoy what you have with this man without analysing it to death?

Enjoy what you have with him or leave him to his indicisivness and wishy washiness. Things have improved according to your post so get something good out of it without paranoia and angst being projected into and between the two of you.

Good luck enjoy while listening to your own gut without having any further negativiity injected into things is my advice.

You worry so much about things that it has to affect how you perceive things with him. You don't need other things to worry about now.

[searock]

bcgirl, I've been afraid of that myself. I shouldn't expect from him anything different than the way he treated his ex-gf, right? It's kind of like women who fall for married men and have an affair with them, then the man eventually leaves his wife and gets together with the lover, and she expects him to not have an affair with anybody else... tough luck, right?

I think it all comes down to his indecisiveness, insecurity, guilt issues, all that stuff. It's just the way he is, I've known it since the start. He suffers because of all that at least as much as I do, and he is willing to work on it. Hell, he is working on it. So I think I'm going to stick with Wakeup's advice - who has been reading about my situation for a while longer, too - and try not to get even more worried and insecure myself, than I already am. It wouldn't be the first time I ruin something good in my life because I get too paranoid about it, and I definitely don't want it to happen now.

I'll try to keep a balance between keeping my guard up and not over-analyzing things... hope I'll manage for the time being, until things evolve one way or the other. I'll keep you updated. Thanks again ; )!

[findlove]

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