Having a connection with someone else, but you're in a relationship.

[slantedhalo20]

I didnt want this to happen, dear god if I could stop it I would. Im trying to. But its just too hard.

Me and my friend have always been close. We've known each other for years, and theres always been a connection. I went away to Uni, so did he, and only now we have got back in touch. But its like either of us havent been away. Theres a spark, and for the past couple of months, Ive ignored it, and just thought it was me feeling it, because I was happy to have him back in my life. We went out with our friends, and had so much fun, but he left his coat, so I took it home and said I'd drop it off at his. So I did, I didnt plan on staying to chat, but I was there about an hour and a half! We talked about everything, as usual. Ive met his girlfriend and shes lovely, and hes met my boyfriend. And we all get on really well.

But Saturday night, something happened. We were left on our own, and he told me things he shouldnt, that he feels it too, and that he was so excited I was coming round and stuff. And that he knows we are both in relationships, and that we cant or wont act upon it, and that he didnt know why he said it. Now Im stressing about it. And I cant stop thinking about it. I love my boyfriend, I really do, but you know, when theres no like passion anymore? Argh. I cant explain.

[Beckyboo]

Ive pm'd u

[bulrush]

Love and passion comes and goes, which means you need to work on the relationship to rekindle the passion. If you don't work on it, every relationship will die out. That's the nature of emotions. They come and go, and can be unpredictable.

At the beginning of a relationship there is "new relationship energy" or NRE, also called the "honeymoon stage", where emotions are high, excitement and mystery is high. This eventually fades. Sometimes it takes 3-12 months, but it fades. Which is why you need skills to communicate on HOW to rekindle the excitement and the passion.

So, now you make a decision, will you find the skills you need to continue things with your bf? Or will you pursue the friend you currently have feelings for? Even if you go for the "friend", the feelings there will eventually fade also. You can bet on it.

[slantedhalo20]

Ive tried rekindling the passion, I have the motto "It'll break if you dont force it" when it comes to relationships. And Im trying so hard, but getting no effort from my boyfriend. I kiss him, massages, sexy lingerie the works - booking trips away, spending time apart, spending time together. And get nothing. I did a test the once (for my own reasons) to see how long he would go without kissing me. The answer, 3 months -and this includes pecks on the cheek. And it would have gone on longer but I couldnt bare it anymore! Everytime I bring it up, he says its cus hes just not an affectionate person. When he used to be, thats who I fell in love with. I am trying my best, because my god I love him. We've been together since we were 18, (5 years ago) and I understand relationships are hard work, but Im worried soon Im going to get tired of trying - I dont want to, but Im worried I will.

And now my friend (who dosnt know me and my boyfriend are having troubles) has come into the equation and I wish he hadnt said anything.

[GPLOC]

You can't 'force' anything. This force might be the reason your boyfriend's passion has gone. Your boyfriend is still with you. You are still with him. That counts for something massive all by itself. Maybe the affection isn't a big deal for him. maybe he isn't a very sexually driven person, but when your need arises, he is willing to satisfy it. That is what counts. Try talking about normal things with your boyfriend, try connecting him in ways other than physically. You might find his sex drive lights up. Your relationship seems to be overly physically motivated right now. And keep this other guy at bay for a little bit while you focus your energy on being positive and happy with your own boyfriend. Give him a little time.

[GPLOC]

The more you push for connection ona physical level, the more the important part of your relationship will fade. Remember that. The good relationship is based on mental connections, not physical ones.

[slantedhalo20]

Im not just talking about the physical. He's being very hot and cold. Telling me I need to ask his permission to do things. Shouting at me for going to the gym. Moaning that I went to a gig (which I bought tickets for in June) rather than going to our friends house party. Im a size 12, I used to be a size 10, which he reminds me all the time. I told him Im going to the gym to lose weight, and hes very "Oh you'll never lose weight" and even thought I have lost 10 pounds in two months, he still looks at pictures saying "Gosh, look how skinny you were". He's never normally like this. He changes, like last night all of a sudden he was lovely, he kept cuddling me telling me he loved me. But Monday night he was shouting at me for being at the gym - even though he wasnt in, he was at football. I am trying to be reserved and rational when arguing with him. I am holding back everything that I want to shout at him, because I dont want an argument. My sister is in hospital, after recovering from an operation on her brain and spine. And whilst she was having it done, I got upset because I was worried. My friends took me out to distract me, (my boyfriend didnt want to take the time off work to do so) and the guy from Saturday (lets call him Bob) was there. And we spoke about what was said Saturday night. I told him we'd forget it, and pretend it never happened. Which he agreed. But I got upset because I text my boyfriend asking if he could ring me when he got back from work cus I was stressing about my sister. He rang me at 9:50pm just to tell me he was going to bed - nothing else. Didnt ask how my sister was, didnt ask how I was. Just said "Ok good night". I could see Bob wanted to help, but didnt know what to do. I didnt want him near me, because Im worried that the more time I spend with him, and the more time my boyfriend is like this, the more I'll like him. And I dont want that to happen, I know relationships need work, and people have rough patches, its just this rough patch has come at the completely wrong time.

[pisces25]

You do say you love your boyfriend but honestly after reading that I am wondering why. The comments about your weight is emotional abuse for starters, totally unsupportive. Plus not being supportive when your sister was going through the operation.

You may want to post why you love your BF as you claim coz the previous one was all negative.

No wonder Bob looks attractive to you.

[slantedhalo20]

Ive been with my boyfriend for 5 years. And we were brilliant together, he was charming, caring, kind, loving and very supportive. Now, its changed, hes only started being like this for the past year. I fell in love with what he used to be, and for me love just dosnt disappear, Im holding on to the hope that he will go back to what he used to be, what we used to be. I can see his point of view, he might have fallen out of love with me, Ive changed a bit, I put on weight, but I dont consider a size 12 being fat? I was too skinny, but if he wants me to be smaller then I suppose I can understand.

When you have been with someone for as long as we have been together, my love hasnt disappeared, glimmers of his old self keep appearing, like last night, he was back to his usual self. I love him for being that person, the person I originally fell in love with, if that makes sense?

[pisces25]

He is deluded if he thinks neither of you will change over the years. Going one size up is not dramatic and IMO certainly not a reason to fall out of love with someone.

Have you had an open, honest discussion about why he acts like he does? Perhaps something is bothering him. You probably do have a chance of things going back to what they were but only if you get to the bottom of what is actually wrong as it doesn't seem you know. Until you sort that out its probably best to leave Bob out of the picture completely as that will only further complicate things.

[Boisdevie]

Your relationship is dead - only you have to accept the fact and move on. Your BF sounds like a complete idiot. So why do you say you love him when he treats you like this? Unless you enjoy the pain. MOVE ON.

[pisces25]

Also, I just read your other post and it is clearer now. He is controlling you and telling you you can't hang out with certain people. Judging by your ex you tend to fall for people like this.

In the words of Wakeup, you possibly have co-dependency issues. In any case, you need to decide if you want to spend your life being told what to do by others.

[bulrush]

In any case, you need to decide if you want to spend your life being told what to do by others.

OP, now that I read this, I wonder if you are a submissive person by nature? If so, you need to accept this, and then find a boyfriend who accepts that about you without being abusive. Your current boyfriend does not respect you, he seems to have issues with your increased weight. Submissive to me means, you are not a doormat, but you prefer other people to take the lead.

Can you explain to us why it benefits you to stay with your current bf? He's not exactly enhancing your life like a partner should. Are you just afraid of being alone? Are you afraid of change? That's a poor reason to stay with a guy like him.

[DonJuanInc]

Ive tried rekindling the passion, I have the motto "It'll break if you dont force it" when it comes to relationships. And Im trying so hard, but getting no effort from my boyfriend. I kiss him, massages, sexy lingerie the works - booking trips away, spending time apart, spending time together. And get nothing. I did a test the once (for my own reasons) to see how long he would go without kissing me. The answer, 3 months -and this includes pecks on the cheek. And it would have gone on longer but I couldnt bare it anymore! Everytime I bring it up, he says its cus hes just not an affectionate person. When he used to be, thats who I fell in love with. I am trying my best, because my god I love him. We've been together since we were 18, (5 years ago) and I understand relationships are hard work, but Im worried soon Im going to get tired of trying - I dont want to, but Im worried I will.

And now my friend (who dosnt know me and my boyfriend are having troubles) has come into the equation and I wish he hadnt said anything.

Er, I'm guessing if he didn't kiss you for three months, he didn't do anything else either? That's not much of a relationship, affectionate person or not.

Women, when dissatisfied with their relationship, usually seek satisfaction elsewhere - especially when they've put a lot of effort into their relationship to obtain satisfaction and haven't gotten results. My undergraduate thesis is on unfaithful women, and the vast majority (slightly over 90%) end up being unfaithful because of a lack of passion in their relationships.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like you have much of a reason to stay. For one, you haven't experienced many partners, so OF COURSE you're going to want variety. Add your frustration into that, and you have a recipe for infidelity.

Be honest with your boyfriend. I know it might be hard because he'll be hurt or whatever, but conditional honesty isn't honesty at all. Let him know you aren't satisfied and it's a big issue for you, and you would like him to work on it. If he doesn't, you should have no reservations about moving on. Life is too short to stick around with people who don't give you what you need.

[bcgirl]

usually at the beginning of a relationship....there's always passion. It's the excitement and thrill of something new. It's like that feeling a child gets when they get a new puppy for christmas, for the first few months or a year the puppy is exciting....then, the novelty wears off and the puppy is not as exciting anymore. You become lazy and don't want to bring it for those walks that you used to, you don't feel like you need to cuddle it like you used to, the puppy no longer is a puppy and ages. Similar concept applies with new and old relationships except humans are more complex than puppies are. What you see at the beginning of the relationship is not that person you get later on in the relationship. You probably fell in love with him at the beginning because he was affectionate and always had nice things to say to you....after 5 years, he's comfortable and says he isn't affectionate and is comfortable yelling at you and telling you to lose weight (this is unacceptable). If you've tried to rekindle that spark and talk to him about it with no avail, plus he treats you poorly....it's no wonder you are falling for this other guy. You are seeking affection elsewhere. You like the fact that this other guy is paying attention to you. He is liking the way you look whereas your own boyfriend criticizes. You need to be careful though because you may be very vulnerable right now....falling for a guy who gives you attention because your boyfriend won't. It's dangerous jumping from one serious relationship into another. I would say to go ahead and dump your boyfriend and go with this new guy IF you are completely over your boyfriend and the relationship has been dead for a while. If you are still in love with your boyfriend....this can get very messy.