My boyfriend cares SO much about what other people think!

[SecretlySad]

This prevents us from doing things together.

Just last weekend we had nothing to do and I suggested we go ten pin bowling. I have always found it a lot of fun and we've never been together. He said he doesn't know how to set up the scoreboard and he'd be embarrassed going in there not knowing what to do. I said "Who cares? We'll work it out or we'll ask a staff member for help" but he still didn't want to go.

Stuff like this happens all the time. He has been saying he is going to lose weight for the past 7 years but still remains huge. He diets for a short time but then slowly falls back into his old atrocious eating habits. This means we can't do things like go to the beach or go scuba diving on holidays together because he is too embarrassed, yet he has done nothing about it. Not to mention my lack of sexual attraction because of the weight.

Even small things… I once sent a mutual friend of ours a happy birthday text message from the both of us, only to find out later that he’d done the same thing. I laughed about it (as did the friend), but he got SO angry and said he was SO embarrassed and that they probably think we are SO stupid now. I told him to just relax!

I know everyone cares about what people think of them to a certain extent, but I feel like he takes it too far.

I feel like I am missing out on so much. We spend most weekends window shopping at malls and even then ALL he does is criticize people - the way they dress, the way they drive etc. I just don't want to hear it!

He's 46 - is he ever going to change?

[bcgirl]

he probably lacks a lot of self esteem. He is unhappy with the way he looks and lacks total confidence. By him getting overly embarrassed is not going to change unless he does something to change his lifestyle and boost his confidence. Maybe hire a personal trainer and dietician (yes that can be costly, but it's his health we are talking about). At least with a personal trainer, you'd have to work out... it is possible for him to lose weight, it just takes tons of will power and motivation and this is where he needs your help the most. If you are there for him and very positive about losing weight, he may be more motivated.

[SecretlySad]

he probably lacks a lot of self esteem. He is unhappy with the way he looks and lacks total confidence. By him getting overly embarrassed is not going to change unless he does something to change his lifestyle and boost his confidence. Maybe hire a personal trainer and dietician (yes that can be costly, but it's his health we are talking about). At least with a personal trainer, you'd have to work out... it is possible for him to lose weight, it just takes tons of will power and motivation and this is where he needs your help the most. If you are there for him and very positive about losing weight, he may be more motivated.

TRUST ME I have tried it all.

He doesn’t like to be “pressured” into anything and says he will “do it his own way, in his own time”, so I leave him be.

I have made countless suggestions to him, prepared healthy meals and suggested activities for him. He has ZERO motivation.

[bcgirl]

^perhaps he is suffering from depression? No motivation for anything. Why not set up an intervention. if he is morbidly obese, at 46 yrs old he is going to be suffering many health problems. He's got to fix his life now or else he will die too young.

[Boisdevie]

After all that time he won't change - then it's not going to happen is it sweetie. Time to think about dumping him don't you think?

[bluesummer]

At 46, if he's still acting this way, I don't see him turning it around. Not impossible, but he doesn't sound like the type that's motivated to do much to change himself.

Sad reality, but you may have to move on. Think of how much of your own happiness and enjoyment of life is being wasted propping this guy up.

[bulrush]

He's 46 - is he ever going to change?

No, he has ingrained habits, and possibly depression or general anxiety. My guess is he will not change unless he gets on meds. 2011 stats say 68% of Americans are overweight or obese. I have to wonder if many of these have depression or hormone problems. My doctor says 90% of the people he asks to lose weight don't do it. Only 10% actually lose weight. Wow. That's an incredibly low number.
[url]http://win.niddk.nih.gov/statistics/[/url]
[url]http://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/index.html[/url]

He might also have low testosterone, which also gives men low motivation and depressive symptoms. He can get his T checked with a blood test. It's worth it to get the test, getting on testosterone shots can change his life around. It did for me.

Though I worked out weekly I was still 30 pounds overweight. Now I'm in my normal BMI, and my six-pack abs are coming in nicely. But I was determined to lose weight and KILL THE FAT. DIE DIE DIE.

PM me for more info if you want.

[malteser]

Without the willpower, determination and motivation to change his ways, he wont. Although you're trying to help, it sounds like he feels pressured and all that will do is make him even less likely to change. Reading your thread you don't have one nice thing to say about him. Do you really want to be in this relationship? Personally I think you need to sit him down and have a serious discussion, tell him you're going to leave him unless he changes but assure him that you are there to help and you know it isn't easy, as it sounds like he has low self esteem so he needs to know he has your support.

[HeartIsAching]

What you've said about his being so sensitive to his appearance to others indicates deep-seated insecurities. So does his criticism of other people - it's a way of taking negative attention from himself and directing it at other people, whether or not there was any negative attention or not.

[SecretlySad]

Reading your thread you don't have one nice thing to say about him.

He is kind, thoughtful, funny and sweet. I have a lot of wonderful things to say about him, but I started this thread because I was unhappy about something… I wasn’t aware it had to include all his positive points?

He has my support and always has. I have supported him without pressuring or nagging – he HATES “being told what to do” as he sees it. Tells me he will do it his own way, in his own time – so I just leave him be. Each year he promises and each year he fails and I never say anything about it. All through the year I am striving to help him eat better and trying to get us out doing more active things. I don’t make him feel bad or even mention it. But 7 years and nothing. I'm not too sure how much more patient I am supposed to be?

So does his criticism of other people - it's a way of taking negative attention from himself and directing it at other people, whether or not there was any negative attention or not.

Hmmmm.. I have never thought about that!

[sadie_genie]

Man...I CANNOT imagine living with a person like that. He has some hang ups. You can't help him with that because it is something deeply ingrained in his psychology. He needs therapy for it.

[surfhb]

This conversation is about you not him. He will not change.....this is clear. So how can we help YOU???

[bcgirl]

I think we all have our vices. I can't stay away from forums like this and spend perhaps more time than i should be on my computer and my husband doesn't like it. My computer is my addiction and something I can't stay away from. My husband is a smoker and smokes a pack a day as well as a beer drinker. He says he will quit smoking one day, but he isn't ready right now....i try not to nag him about quitting because everyone hates to be told or to be nagged like a child to clean up their room. He says he will quit on his own. I really want him to quit because i want him to live a long and healthy life for the sake of our future children if we were to have children and for myself. My dad is overweight and i worry about his health as well....he can't stop eating junk food and sweets, those are his vices and he loves food. I tell him he needs to stop his bad habits but it's easier said than done. My mom's vice is gambling at the casinos. My point is, we all have vices. My ex boyfriend's vice was alcohol and cocaine. Now that was a very tough vice to live with. (hence why he is an ex) Just know that we all have some sort of issues and nobody is perfect. If you leave your boyfriend for someone else....who's to say this new person won't have even worse issues. Try what you can to make the relationship work. Go to councelling or therapy. If you've come to a complete dead end and you are unhappy, then it's time to move on.