How to judge the importance of the ex coming back

[ChrisMac]

So end of last summer I hook up with this amazing girl I've known for a few months, on the night before I go back to school in another country. We have a blast together, and end up making plans for her to come see me for four days at the start of October. She comes to visit, we again have a blast, and it turns into a thing where we're flying to spend almost every weekend together, talking every day by phone or chat. I'm trying like hell to get a job in her city, both for her and because it's a great city. I go to see her for a week before Christmas, and while I'm with her I find out I got a job offer there, and we're both cautious but excited as hell.

My new job won't start until mid-February and I can't afford to live there until it starts due to being broke from school, so I go back home to stay with my parents for Christmas and New Year's, and we resume the game of messaging daily and calling every few days. In the past few weeks since New Year's, however, she's seemed to grow more moody, sometimes fine and full of energy, sometimes only responding to texts in 1-2 word answers an hour or two later. Being stuck alone at home in the middle of nowhere with just my parents, this drives me a little nuts. This past Saturday night we talk and Skype, laughing for hours, and I log off in the end feeling great.

But the next day she emails to say she's got some things she needs to tell me. Via IM, she says she quit her job a week ago because she couldn't handle it anymore. When asked why she didn't tell me sooner, she says it's because my job is so great compared to hers, which is nonsense. And then her roommate's moving out soon too.

But there's a third thing. She says her ex-boyfriend, who broke up with her last spring, is trying to get her back, sending her emails and even coming to her work once for a chat. He's saying he made a huge mistake, and wants them to move in together despite that being a big reason they broke up. I breathe deep and say, okay, what does this mean for us? She says "it's been difficult for me". I ask if she's going to go back to him, she says "No, I didn't say that." She says she wanted to tell me because she thought it'd let me trust her more, yet because she both kept responding to him and didn't tell me about it for awhile, it's had the opposite effect.

Later she explained that she felt like I was talking to her less and we were losing our connection, "I will stop it completely... I just needed you to show me that you cared about me .. and somehow I havent heard from you much lately...". Which isn't true, I've been calling and writing as much as ever, but okay. She also said that her boyfriend was telling her that she barely knows me, that she's only seen me for 20 days or so, that she can't rely on me. So I let her know how important she is to me, how much I can't wait to see her, and she seemed fine.

Since then, however, she's been cold and distant again. Clearly her life isn't great right now, for reasons related to me and not, but I'm going a little nuts with worry being so powerless to do anything from such distance. I'd fly there for a weekend but it's $900 I can't afford until the job starts next month. I can wait out the next three weeks but now I'm not sure she'll be there when I get there. My guess is there's not much I can do except just let whatever happens, happen, and if she moves on, well, it wasn't meant to be.

Anyone have any advice here? Would especially love a woman's POV about how I should handle this. Thanks much in advance.

[Wakeup]

My guess is there's not much I can do except just let whatever happens, happen, and if she moves on, well, it wasn't meant to be.

I'd assume that it's over anyway. If she's entertaining this ex by even talking to him and hasn't told him to eff off and leave her alone it means you don't have her fully at this point anyway. You don't "fight" for people who don't know that they want.. It's usually quite futile.

Have you asked her why she just hasn't told him to bugger off and leave her alone?

[ChrisMac]

That's kind of an extremist view, no? Not saying you're wrong, but she did come to tell me about it, because she said she wanted us to be able to trust each other more. Yeah, I asked her, and she said it's because she felt like I was losing interest in her and not communicating as much, and didn't want to cut him off completely until she knew I still cared. I'm just not entirely confident now that it's true.

[searock]

I think you should wait until you move to her town. In the meantime, try to reconnect with her and tell her that it hurts you to know that she's keeping in touch with her ex, not because you don't trust her but because it makes you wonder whether she is serious about you as much as you are about her. Once you live in the same town it will all be clear. Or do you fear she'll move out of town?

[ChrisMac]

I think that's good advice, searock. Nah, not afraid of her moving, she loves it there and it's where her life is. Plus she just went home again for a visit and remembered how much she hates it.

I think she's maybe just at a place right now where a lot in her life is uncertain, and she maybe digs me but isn't even sure about that because we've been apart for a month after a relatively short relationship -- end of August to mid-December, and even that was only visits -- and this makes turning off the attention from the ex tough because even I am not a sure thing from her perspective. Given this all I can do is keep letting her know how much I can't wait to see her and wait it out.

I don't know if that makes sense but I got nothing better. If there's any women around here I'd love to hear their thoughts.