Don't want to be with husband, now in love with another man? Help?

[bcgirl]

lol, people toss these phrases about as if they actually understand what it means. What does it mean "understand herself", exactly?

it means taking a step back. Getting out of any relationship and doing things for yourself. Taking up a hobbie/interest, going to the gym and boosting natural endorphines, masterbating without any men, getting to know your own body, travelling, meeting new people (not men) etc. etc. Once she is content with herself, she'll have a better understanding of what she wants in life and ultimately what type of man she pictures herself with. And hopefully with enough love for herself, she won't do stupid things like settle with someone she doesn't love. Simple enough?

[oldskool83]

in other words get your vag sewn shut.

[IndiReloaded]

it means taking a step back. Getting out of any relationship and doing things for yourself. Taking up a hobbie/interest, going to the gym and boosting natural endorphines, masterbating without any men, getting to know your own body, travelling, meeting new people (not men) etc. etc. Once she is content with herself, she'll have a better understanding of what she wants in life and ultimately what type of man she pictures herself with. And hopefully with enough love for herself, she won't do stupid things like settle with someone she doesn't love. Simple enough?

These are good suggestions. Again, not sure what 'enough love' for herself means (how does one know or measure this?), but this post is much better than a vague 'understand herself'. Perhaps you mean that one should recognize and take care of one's own needs first before getting involved with another person. If so, good advice.

It would have been better to do all this before getting married, of course.

[bcgirl]

^ yes exactly. However, most people don't marry for the right reasons. That contributes to the fact that the divorce rates are so damn high

[IndiReloaded]

^ yes exactly. However, most people don't marry for the right reasons. That contributes to the fact that the divorce rates are so damn high

Not sure I know what 'right reasons' are these days. How long have you been married, bcgirl?

[bcgirl]

Not sure I know what 'right reasons' are these days. How long have you been married, bcgirl?

been married for several years. What i mean by wrong reasons are marrying out of desperation, marrying because of pregnancy, marrying in hopes that the other person will change, marrying just because it's the "right" thing to do, marrying in hopes that the relationship gets better etc. etc. Tons of people marry for the wrong reasons.... just think back to even your circle of family and friends and you can pick at least one that has married for the wrong reasons.

[IndiReloaded]

Tons of people marry for the wrong reasons.... just think back to even your circle of family and friends and you can pick at least one that has married for the wrong reasons.

I find people who are recently married (and by that I define as less than a decade or so), view marriage differently than those who have been married longer. I've been with my spouse 20 years. The social reasons for marrying are quite different now and less compelling, IMO. Actually, providing a stable situation for children (including unexpected pregnancy) is one of the few reasons *to* get married. Other reasons such as 'self-fulfillment', "I've done everything else" and 'my friends are', are very good predictors for failed marriages. Most of which seem to happen around years 8 - 12, excepting the early failures such as the case of the OP here.

Anyway, I was asking for the 'right reasons' for marriage. Its easy to find 'wrong reasons', as there are so many.

[smackie9]

More marriages end now because women are less dependent on that ring.

[P.A.T.G.O.D.]

You seem very immature. For one thing, what exactly were you expecting to happen when you repeatedly "broke up" with your husband? What, in your mind, was supposed to happen?

Married people don't "break up". They get divorced. Did you see a lawyer? If not, then what response was your husband supposed to show you?

You also keep going on about how your husband doesn't "make" you happy and how your affair makes you feel fulfilled. You only seek happiness and fulfillment outside of yourself - so eventually, EVERYBODY will fail to "make you happy" at one point or another. You're in charge of your own emotions and you can't hold others responsible for them.

I agree with those who tell you to divorce your husband (clearly a mistake) but don't get involved with anyone else until you have done some work on yourself first.

[bulrush]

^ yes exactly. However, most people don't marry for the right reasons. That contributes to the fact that the divorce rates are so damn high

I agree. Most people mistake that "new relationship energy" for love. When in reality, compatibility will form the basis for a solid relationship, and hence, long-term love. Love doesn't cure the relationship problems either, but actions do.

People seriously need to look at their compatibility as a couple before they get married.

More marriages end now because women are less dependent on that ring.

That's part of the issue. The other part is the divorce laws in many states are so anti-men, that men just don't want to get married. Committed yes, married no. (One can have committment without marriage.) Divorce is so expensive and messy, why would men get married in the first place?