Am I overreacting? I broke-up over an ultimatum I’ve put!

[Leona77]

34, female

I have been with my boyfriend for a month now and I was very happy until last week when we had some problems. I will get back to that after I give you some intro.

I met him at our dancing school and I have known him for 2-3 months before we got hooked. At the time I met him, I had other men hitting on me and I was going on dates, so we were just being friendly acquanitances when we would go to dancing parties with everybody from the group.
He is 43 and divorced (2 years ago) and has 2 daughter (11& 15).

As I said, until mid December we were just hangind out and casually speaking on facebook/some friendly phone calls until we naturally fell for each other and started seeing each other every day. He has been the boyfriend I had always wanted: smart, handsome (he looks much younger than his age due to fitness & nutrition), funny, caring, tender, honest and a good lover. He has showed me every day how much he cares for me by doing small things for me. We have sleeps overs, he would cook for me and vice versa so we have gotten pretty close in a month. He introduced me to his sister and imakes it clear I am his girlfriend, except from his children. He wants them to be a bit older and more prepared for the fact that heir father is with another woman. I respect this, but I have told him that over time, I might want them to know, but no pressure because I respect his wish to protet them for the time being.

The first week into our relationship I found out the reasons for the divorce. His wife was not working for the last 5 years of the marriage and they developed in different directions due to her frustration with the situation and other factors, they had dissagreements over how to raise their children and finally she has gained so much weight that she went from 60 to 90 kg . He said that he told her this was bothering him, but she would just say’’ Go and find another girl, there is plenty of those on the streeet’’…He was trying to work on his marriage, but eventually that is exactly what he did.
He started seeing another woman and soon after that, he got divorced. This was the first blow for me because I have always judged people who cheat on their partners, no matter what the circumstances. When I confronted him about it he said he feels guilty, but that he did not just sleep randomly with ssomeone. Instead, his marriage was long gone at the time and this other girl just happened to be there and came at a time when his wife did not want to give him what he needed. She just made it easier for him to leave. He says that he knows this is wrong but that he has treid and tired to repair the marriage and then he agreed with my judgement that ‘’he found the easy way out’’. I saw from his actions that he was honest about it and I decided to accept him and not judge him for the past. Pople make mistakes and he has admitted his.
I told him that I wanted him to be honest with me no matter what & and he agreed. I’d rather know the worst truth than be told lies. He respects this and has been honest with me.

Now, when I thought that this was all, last week he calls me from work and tells me he wants to see me immidiately. The same girl that he was with on and off since the divorce has contacted him. He told me that they had broken up a week before we hooked up and that their relationship was on and off for months before they finally broke up. He also said that he was also clear with her that he didn’t want to have kids with her and that this is why they were always using condoms (from half way into the intrecourse because they had made tests about being clear from STDs) and some software that decides which days are safe and which she is ovulating. She knew he didn’t want kids with her, but was always saying to him that she would not mind if she got pregnsnt and that she would nos ask for money or any responsibility because she is ritch and she would juslt look after their child without him.So, you can guess that this day she called him to tell him she is pregnant. His world was shattered and you can only imagine how I felt. He was in panick for 3 days especially because he didn’t want to provoke her to give birth to the child by telling her to have an abortion even though he wanted to. She held him in suspention for 3 days to make him suffer and admitted to wanting to keep the child so that she can keep him with her in some form at least, for the rest of her life. Eventually she realized that he didn’t want to have anything with her and she aborted. He offered to pay and took her to the hospital. I was supportive of him for the whole time, he would tell me when she’d call and I was there at some occasions when she would call. Aftet the abortion, she called him and cried and asked why they would not get back together and he did not have the guts to tell her he is with me as he already felt guilty she suffered because of him.

This was a week ago and I am truly hurt by the whole situation. He saw this too and has beena pologetic and helpless in the situation. He event old me that he feels like shit that he is hurting people whatever he does and that he had no right to cause me this pain. I have never had a doubt that I am his choice and I believe him he broke up with her a week before me. I have no doubt about his feelings for me, but the first thing that is bothering me is that he has cheated to his wife and the second one is that this girl texted him again yesterday and commented on something I he had put on facebook on my wall.
She was trying to find out if he had another girlfriend and he replied something random,but did not admit he was with me. He read the text to me and what he replied. This last bit of converasation was on Skype as he is out of town on business.
I went crazy that she still has the guts to contact him and that he replies. I told him that I was too understanding of his situation and that I want him to stop replying to her messages altogether and that I didn’t care how hust she was due to the abortion, she just has to stop! He said that I was right and that he would tell her about us even though he didn’t want to before because he felt guilty for wanting her to abort.
I said that I didn’t care about how she or he felt and I demanded that he tells her we were together for a month now and that I didn’t want her to contact him ever again. He agreed about the first bit, but said that he does not want to explain to her how long he has been with me or tell her about how I felt as this was making him a’’pussy’’ or as if he was justifying himself and it would make me look bad in her eyes.
I still insisted that he tells her all of this and that I didn’t care what she thought. He repeated that this was ultimatum I was placing on him and that he didn’t want to be made to do things he didn’t think were necessary. He agreed to tell her that he is with me and that she sould not contacte him, but he thought it was not necessary to go beyond that. I told him that it’s either tell her what I want him too,or I won’t have another option but to consider a break-up as I didn’t know how to deal with the situation. He insisted I re-consider my decision, but I told him that it is over if he feels he does not want to respect my request jus because he would feel he is a ‘’pussy’’.

I really like him and he is everything I have always wanted in a man, but I don’t know how to deal with such complicated things. I sometimes think I am better off single which is why I have not been in a serious relationship for 10 years. I can’t cope with all these complications, so early in the relationship, too.

Am I being unreasonable??? Am I being dramatic or am I right in asking him to deal with all his guilt, grow up and man-up and deal with her reaction when he tells her this. I have been feeling horrible pain in my chest since our conversation yesterday…just don’t know what to do…

Thanks all for reading and sorry this is too long…

[Boisdevie]

He has been faithful to you. It's not him attempting to contact his ex is it? He'll probably get sick of her contacting him and tell her to get lost. Just give him time - after all you've only been together a month.

[Leona77]

He has been faithful to you. It's not him attempting to contact his ex is it? He'll probably get sick of her contacting him and tell her to get lost. Just give him time - after all you've only been together a month.

Thanks for your reply. I know he is faithful & he already agreed to tell her to get lost. Maybe it's irrational for me to feel this way, but I just can't help it.
I am just hurt by this whole situation & him not wanting to hurt her by telling her that I know of her contacting him and that it's bothering me. I wanted him to make it clear to her that he is protecting me and show her her place!
I know it's only been a month,but we've grown so close because we see each other every day, spend a lot of time together, and share almost all out thoughts and feelings,which is probably why it's become so complicated already...arghhhhhhh...

[bulrush]

Why are you forcing him to talk to his ex-gf? That doesn't make any sense. She is just drama, drama, drama. He should cut off all communication.

Also, why are you shooting yourself in the foot when you claim he is the right guy for you? Why would you make an ultimatum? I think you are still jealous of this ex-gf. Remember, whenever you make decisions based on emotions, it almost always turns out badly. And that's why you are posting here.

You claim to trust him, yet your actions show you still fear losing him, because he is such a good guy. Do you mess up your own life a lot like this? By getting rid of good guys? And dating bad guys?

[Mathias]

Why are you forcing him to talk to his ex-gf? That doesn't make any sense. She is just drama, drama, drama. He should cut off all communication.

Dear God, this.

You're just asking for trouble.

[Leona77]

Why are you forcing him to talk to his ex-gf? That doesn't make any sense. She is just drama, drama, drama. He should cut off all communication.

Also, why are you shooting yourself in the foot when you claim he is the right guy for you? Why would you make an ultimatum? I think you are still jealous of this ex-gf. Remember, whenever you make decisions based on emotions, it almost always turns out badly. And that's why you are posting here.

You claim to trust him, yet your actions show you still fear losing him, because he is such a good guy. Do you mess up your own life a lot like this? By getting rid of good guys? And dating bad guys?

Very,very true!!!
Yes, I am jealous and yes I fear of losing him even though I trust him.In fact, I am scared to sh*t!!!
And no, I don't date bad guys.Instead, I have either chosen safe guys I know can't hurt me or occasional flings( like the one I posted about here before). But mostly it is no guys at all!!! I have been single for most of the time for the past 10 years.
Thank you very much for this. I am not forcing him to talk to her, I am just asking him to tell her to stop contacting him (and other details which I now agree are not necessary) if she contact him again. He does agree to do this, but I pushed a bit further,probably because I was hurt and wanted to punish him,so I insisted that he tells her that I don't like her calling him or texting him.
The good thing about the whole situation is that i know he is dedicated to me and he has no love feelings for her other than human guilt, compassion and empathy.
And yes, it is based on emotions. I actually spoke to him earlier, he said he wants to see me as soon as he is back from his trip so that we can try to overcome this situation.I agreed.
x

[Leona77]

Dear God, this.

You're just asking for trouble.

Thanks!...

[bulrush]

Why don't you talk to your bf and ask for his reassurance? It's ok to need reassurance. As a guy, sometimes I need it too. Talk about how you FEEL. Hopefully he will have enough experience to be supportive of you and reassure you.

[Leona77]

Why don't you talk to your bf and ask for his reassurance? It's ok to need reassurance. As a guy, sometimes I need it too. Talk about how you FEEL. Hopefully he will have enough experience to be supportive of you and reassure you.

He did re-assure me during the argument and said that the fact that he has feelings of responsibility and guilt for his ex does not mean anything and that it's me that he loves. He said that he wants to be with me and that he doesn't know how to protect me from his own personal struggle with the guilt while being honest with me at the same time.He acknowledged that he sees how the situation is hurting me, but he is trying to comply with my request to share everything. It wasn't enough at the time because I had already accumulated the stress of last week's events and also the fact that he was away for the first time in this month shook me a bit. We have been seeing each other every day for the past month and this is the first time we have been apart for 3 days. I guess it was bad timing & I don't want to punish him for his honesty,so I will try to find a compromise in accepting that he only stops contact with her and tells her he has a girldfiend without explaining further details to her....
We chatted briefly earlier between flights and he said he wants to see me and try to work this out...I am much calmer now and I have come to terms that ego-trips, emotional blackmail and dramatic requests won't help the situation....
Thanks for your repy, much appreciated...