I just broke up with my girlfriend. Are my reasons justified?

**Incognito** · 02-02-12, 10:43 AM

Originally Posted by HeartIsAching

Alrighty.

Commenting on the bolded portions in order:

1. Not his call. He can tell her he doesn't like her talking to him, but he doesn't get to tell her what to do. She'll have to make her own decision about whether or not she talks to him, and he'll have to decide whether or not he can live with it. Telling her she's not to talk to him anymore is exceedingly controlling.

2. MADE her show him her text messages? That doesn't really need comment.

3. Yep, she knew he didn't like it. That's acceptable, but the expectation of obedience is not. He does not own her.

Was she wrong to do what she did? You bet. I don't know, as I don't really know detail in the situation, but I'd be willing to believe that she got tired of his (glaringly obvious) controlling ways, and was looking for a way out. She went about it wrong, but I'd bet that was her motivation.

You do have a point, but a limited one. There was never any other mention of his "controlling ways" (I.E. a pattern). That is an assumption on your part and therefore shouldn't be part of your advice/argument. Using the information actually provided to us we can safely say that he did attempt to dictate what was what with regards to this situation. Does that constitute a controlling personality? Hardly. The way you talk anyone who defines any sort of parameter that affects someone else is controlling. Again, not so. If I [ask] my wife to consider/do/not do everything, but [tell] her to not have male friends over when I'm not here because it is the one thing that I feel strongly about neither you nor anyone else has the right to label me as 'controlling'. The same applies here.

**HeartIsAching** · 07-02-12, 04:56 PM

Originally Posted by powers

I dont believe that I was controlling. I did not want her to respond to a guy who has been trying to have sex with her the past 3 months. I believe that as her boyfriend, I had the right to express that she should not be talkin to him. That was very inappropraite. As far as having her show me the text messages, I believe that if she had nothing to hide, it wouldnt have been a problem. But I knew that something was not right when she was receiving text messages at 3 A.M.

Really? You thought you had rights about what she does or does not do? Slavery's illegal, so you don't actually own her. Just thought I would point that out.

**Wakeup** · 07-02-12, 11:10 PM

HIA: He didn't think he owned her. He voiced to her that he didn't want her hanging with him (his right to voice) she continued to do so and lied about it. Why are you picking this apart. He IS NOT a control freak. Her doing what she did was a deal breaker for him (a resonable one) she knew it was yet she still did it. Her choice but, it is NOT her choice to do what she wants and keep him in her life as well. If anyone was showing actions of control it was her because she was determined to keep the status quo with him and still get her way by hanging out one on one with the ex bf.. while LYING about it. That is trying to control OP and not allow him the benefit of leaving someone that crossed his personal and/or relationship boundary(s).

The opposite of not being controlling is Not forsaking your own values so the other is happy yet disrespectful while getting their own way.

**smackie9** · 07-02-12, 11:15 PM

Wakeup I think you were hitting a personal nerve lol.

**Wakeup** · 07-02-12, 11:18 PM

Why would you think that?

**HeartIsAching** · 08-02-12, 12:46 AM

Originally Posted by Wakeup

HIA: He didn't think he owned her. He voiced to her that he didn't want her hanging with him (his right to voice) she continued to do so and lied about it. Why are you picking this apart. He IS NOT a control freak. Her doing what she did was a deal breaker for him (a resonable one) she knew it was yet she still did it. Her choice but, it is NOT her choice to do what she wants and keep him in her life as well. If anyone was showing actions of control it was her because she was determined to keep the status quo with him and still get her way by hanging out one on one with the ex bf.. while LYING about it. That is trying to control OP and not allow him the benefit of leaving someone that crossed his personal and/or relationship boundary(s).

The opposite of not being controlling is Not forsaking your own values so the other is happy yet disrespectful while getting their own way.

Go back and re-read his posts. They sure look like it to me.

Those controlling behaviors don't just spring from nowhere. As I said before, what she did was wrong - absolutely... but he's saying things like "I made her" and "I have a right" which shows his thinking on this subject.

**Incognito** · 08-02-12, 01:39 AM

"I made her" could have simply been the way it came out. There doesn't seem to be an implication that he forcefully took the phone to check the messages. As far as "I have the right", we all have certain rights in relationships. I, and most others, reserve the right to not be lied to, to not be cheated on, and to dictate certain company (if there is a clear problem that may affect the relationship.... like say that person being an ex who is still interested in sex). Sorry HIA I think you have it out for the OP simply because you mistook a statement as controlling behavior. I understand that you took classes and overcame the same behavior, but you can't just write "controlling" on a piece of paper and tack it to this guy's forehead just because he had a major problem with his girlfriend's horrible behavior (and went on to prove it).

Had this been a situation involving a random male friend, or even a ex who was not sexually interested it would be different.

**smackie9** · 08-02-12, 02:18 AM

If the tables were turned she would be on here complaining about him. It was justified because the way she dealt with it....by lying. No need to waste your time and energy on someone who would rather compromise a realtionship by lying.....When one has a need to spend down time with an ex, that says fail anyways. It shows she still has an emotional attachment to him.

**Incognito** · 08-02-12, 02:19 AM

I miss the 'thanks' button. Would have gave it a tap for that post smackie.

**Wakeup** · 08-02-12, 03:13 AM

Originally Posted by smackie9

If the tables were turned she would be on here complaining about him. It was justified because the way she dealt with it....by lying. No need to waste your time and energy on someone who would rather compromise a realtionship by lying.....When one has a need to spend down time with an ex, that says fail anyways. It shows she still has an emotional attachment to him.

Yes, totally agree.

**smackie9** · 08-02-12, 04:14 AM

Hit the rep button instead. That's what I have been doing with everyone else.

**Wakeup** · 08-02-12, 04:40 AM

Once you give rep to someone.. you can't give it to them again until you've "spread it around" to other posters. I tried to give you rep (again) in another thread and I got that response.

**IndiReloaded** · 08-02-12, 11:38 AM

Okay you 3 have all had 'rep' added.

**smackie9** · 08-02-12, 11:21 PM

Why was there changes to the site anyways?.....it doesn't look that much different.

**Incognito** · 08-02-12, 11:31 PM

Someone mentioned that v-bulletin was updated and it screwed some things up. Unfortunately loveadmin hasn't been here in a while. Someone else somehow gained limited access and managed to screw things up some more. The only person who can restore what was changed/lost is loveadmin, who isn't around.

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