Still uncomfortable?

[bcgirl]

it pretty much boils down to the fact that you and him aren't that compatible in the bedroom. You want passion, touching, sensualness. He wants to f*ck. It seems like you are the giver and he is the receiver. He has A LOT to learn about sex. Most women can't orgasm just by intercourse alone. They need clitoral stimulation. An average time for a man to orgasm is like 5 mins. Women are much more complex and require emotional stimuli, clitoral stimuli and much more time than 5 minutes. Porn is totally unrealistic in the way they portray women. It's caters to the man's point of view. So they think that women are like those porn stars and will be satisfied when the man is satisfied. SO TWISTED! Real relationships and real sex is not like the porn he watches. He needs to spend more time researching the real woman's anatomy and pick up a book about how to really satisfy a woman.
Anyways....as for the porn thing....it's tough. YOu seem to be someone who is a total romantic. And he seems like someone who is not and very selfish. You want to be the only girl your mate looks at and praises. I know that all guys look at porn, even married ones. The truth is that whatever you accidentally stumbled on his computer is just the tip of the iceberg. You really have no idea what other types of porn is on his computer, how frequently he watches since you don't live with him etc. It's kinda of a very personal and embarrassing thing for him to talk about. If you do try to talk about it, it will make him feel uncomfortable and embarrassed because you've touched on something that is too personal. Hence why he just tells you to get over it and doesn't want to talk about it. It's his way of telling you to just leave it alone, next subject!

I hope he is smart enough to know that those porn actresses portray very unrealistic views about sex. However, from what you've described of your sex life....it seems like he has no clue as to how to satisfy a real woman.

[GagaRoma]

I Talked to him more today to clarify what I've felt and he asked some questions to me since he was curious why I felt the way I did about certain things. We generally just tried to understand each other. He asked me if I thought he had a problem. Though I explained that even if the amount seems like a lot that no, I understand guys will look at stuff like that but how the only time it'd really bother me is if it got in the way of our sex life or if he'd pick porn over me. He explained he loves me and loves looking at me, how he'll use my sexy pics i send him along with other images too. but he said he also uses porn for fantasies, and how im also in his fantasies too or something like that. But he mentioned how he likes variety. He said hed never pick any of those girls, and that he chose to be with me. We talked more about the types of thigs he looks at. Then he asked me something like "well what if I'd have like 6 magazines behind my bed and not just 2 would that bother you? It's not like I have the patients to look through them all, but variety, I switch it up sometimes so it wouldn't just be the same magazines". and well to me 6 would seem kind of like a lot to keep there, but then I suppose guys will "stash" them somewhere. I asked him where the magazines originally were and he told me his attic, apparently his dad has a pile up there, cause the magazines didn't always seem to be behind his bed like that, cause there's been times I've dropped stuff behind his bed and had to pick them up and they weren't there. So I'd guess it's something recent he's doing to "switch it up" for himself. I asked if he masturbates every day. He told me that he does, at least once or twice a day because he likes the feeling and also it'll either "help him sleep" or "motivate him to start his day". But he said on days I see him he will refrain so we can have sex together. I asked if every time he masturbated if he will look at porn and he said "not every day. Though usually yeah, it just helps".*

Later tonight it was odd a little cause we had sex and went a while. Afterwards he announced "well that was a lot. I'm gonna be sore now but it was worth it" and then said "tomorrow I don't think I'll be able to masturbate". And well Saturdays we usually hang out too, I guess he forgot for a little he'd be seeing me since earlier he mentioned hanging out then, but must've forgotten the day after we had sex. It was unusual he'd say that, it felt a little odd, so I said "but tomorrow is Saturday though?" and he said "oh, yeah, that's right" so he must've forgotten. I don't except him to "save himself" for me, though when he does he's more aggressive and interested in having sex with me too on the days I'd see him.*

I suppose the frequency or amount may seem like a lot compared to other men. But then if it doesn't affect our sex life and is something he partakes in when I'm not around then it shouldn't bother me. Like I said at this point I think the only time it'd really bother me is if he picked that over me.

As far as the bigger issue though, my feelings and respecting them. I talked to him about that too. I told him he has to consider my feelings and that if I feel a certain way about something he should attempt to see it from my perspective and not become stubborn or frustrated towards me. He understood and said he'd respect my feelings.*

At this point I'd say we worked it out. But any of your guys thoughts I'd love to hear.

[smackie9]

Well for a fact guys don't have an emotional attachment to those images of porn like girls seem to think. Sex and love are two separate things. What they see is just body parts, and he is right it is just fantasy. So he is telling you the truth on that.

As for the stash, it's something he was taught from his father, so it's gonna be real tough for him to break that habit. But you are doing real good by talking about it with him. You keep the communication going about this issue and other things related to it and you will start to see improvement in your relationship for sure.

If you want to see changes in his habit, like I posted before, change up yourself in the bedroom. Role play, have sex in different places, wear sexy outfits, use toys, and maybe share a soft porn together. Give him the variety he craves. I've read articles where men write in their honest comments. Most agreed to keep the relationship fresh is variety, not only in bed but with your appearance and outside interests, like hobbies. Now I can hear women from all over saying "he should love me for who I am" Well sorry men just are wired that way, so if you want a man to keep desiring you, you have to play along. As for us women we do have our expectation of our man too so it does go both ways. You were brilliant to point out that he should see it from your perspective. That right there hopefully will stick with him that you have feelings he needs to consider, not just about this but about every aspect of your relationship.

**What I have discovered, the more open you are about porn and talking about it the less they want to use it. Now you don't have to agree with me, in fact I don't expect anyone too, but I'm just speaking from my experience.

[GagaRoma]

He said something like, "But I don't look at them how I look at you. I never was able to" and how "they can't compare to you". Which I know he wouldn't love them or care about them the way he does for me. Though I still have my "awkward" moments in how I feel about it. Like today, he liked "Suicide Girls" fan page on facebook. He never liked anything of that nature before on there. But for the most part I understand a lot better. It's one of those things that I suppose take time and a lot of communication to feel totally comfortable with. Though some women seem slightly bothered at times regardless. None the less, it's something I am personally working on still and am getting better with totally understanding. I really do want it to stop bothering me. We talked about it and worked it out then. I felt comfortable til the facebook "Suicide Girls" thing, but I know that's silly.... I am slowly getting there.

I'm sure at times I might feel a little awkward still. But since we talked about it we are both more comfortable discussing it.

I try to keep it as interesting as I can, in and out of the bedroom. I'll always try new panties and hairstyles, suggesting new ways to have sex or things to do during sex. Though I am sure more to "spice it up" could never hurt. And I'd want him to try to consider things from my perspective. It would help a lot! So I'd hope he would in all aspects when things get "confusing".

I'm not sure if the more I'd talk to him about it the less he'd want to use like from your experience. Though in ways now I joke with him about it. Like when we were on his computer yesterday looking up funny videos. As he was typing something into the google search bar I jokingly said "Oh, should I cover my eyes as you type?" and he said "No, you're fine".

[bcgirl]

i used to knoW a suicide girl....total weirdo all into drugs and sex. Don't know whats appealing with that.

[GagaRoma]

I guess the "alternative look". But I tried talking to him about it more, and perhaps it's silly I felt awkward that he liked it, but he reverted to telling me to "deal with it" meaning deal with the fact that he liked it. So we are back to square one again I suppose.

[pisces25]

This is going to be a never-ending source of frustration for you hon. I don't mean to sound negative but everything you are going through I have been through. It's a cycle. You feel frustrated, you talk about it, for a while you feel better and then something sets you off, you get frustrated, you eventually fight or talk about, the whole cycle starts again.

I think BC is spot-on that you guys are not sexually compatible. Sexually compatibility encompasses a whole range of things, not just whether you both have similar libidos. It means your outlook on things associated with sex, including porn, styles of sex, romance vs just 'f%^king' etc. Yes the whole 'most guys look at porn' argument exists and it is easy to say 'oh well I don't mind so long as it isn't impacting on the relationship' but have a think about it. It may not be impacting on your sex-life, in terms of him still wanting to have sex with you and desiring you, but it is impacting on your relationship because it is something that you are not comfortable with and you are continuously frustrated with his retorts to 'just deal with it'. This is what you need to evaluate. I do wish you luck in becoming more used to it and being able to just deal with it as he suggests but it is difficult. Just be careful not to sacrifice too much of yourself or your values when it comes to sex. Don't feel you have to stay if the relationship isn't making you safe, secure and happy.

[smackie9]

I guess the "alternative look". But I tried talking to him about it more, and perhaps it's silly I felt awkward that he liked it, but he reverted to telling me to "deal with it" meaning deal with the fact that he liked it. So we are back to square one again I suppose.

Everyone has a like or a fantasy, but it doesn't mean they need it to be reality. If you have something that appeals to you both physical and appearance wise, why not suggest it to him? It can be anything from wearing a tight white t shirt to him pleasuring himself in front of you. It doesn't always have to be about what he likes, you too can make suggestions to him.

[GagaRoma]

This is going to be a never-ending source of frustration for you hon. I don't mean to sound negative but everything you are going through I have been through. It's a cycle. You feel frustrated, you talk about it, for a while you feel better and then something sets you off, you get frustrated, you eventually fight or talk about, the whole cycle starts again.

I think BC is spot-on that you guys are not sexually compatible. Sexually compatibility encompasses a whole range of things, not just whether you both have similar libidos. It means your outlook on things associated with sex, including porn, styles of sex, romance vs just 'f%^king' etc. Yes the whole 'most guys look at porn' argument exists and it is easy to say 'oh well I don't mind so long as it isn't impacting on the relationship' but have a think about it. It may not be impacting on your sex-life, in terms of him still wanting to have sex with you and desiring you, but it is impacting on your relationship because it is something that you are not comfortable with and you are continuously frustrated with his retorts to 'just deal with it'. This is what you need to evaluate. I do wish you luck in becoming more used to it and being able to just deal with it as he suggests but it is difficult. Just be careful not to sacrifice too much of yourself or your values when it comes to sex. Don't feel you have to stay if the relationship isn't making you safe, secure and happy.

And possibly it's because I am young and haven't been in a sexual relationship before til my current relationship... This will sound so naive but I honestly had no idea or figured that sexual compatibility would even include something like porn. Romance, yes I would've figured that, but maybe I thought a desire for romance and passion would always be mutual if two people loved each other. But I am learning it's not the case and can be very different for both people regardless of "love" and sex and love do not equate one another, they're totally separate things. The porn is not seemingly affecting our sex life, but definitely is affecting me emotionally if it bothers me at times. It is a frustrating non ending cycle. I'll feel fine and like it's worked out. Then something else will happen or I'll see something and all over again it's back to talking about it. Me saying how I feel. I really try to rationalize. I'll say I know I am beautiful and attractive but how I want to still feel special despite knowing how he doesn't care for those girls, how before I knew about porn I always felt like the hottest thing ever to him, how I feel like I am competing even though I know that's stupid/silly to think, how porn wasn't always apart of the relationship cause I was never aware. How at one point I was bound to find out and how not everything will make me feel awkward or bad but maybe a particular instance will and he will have to see things from my point of view and respect how I feel... and then him saying in return that he'll see it from my shoes but yet that he doesn't want it to make me feel bad, then telling me I am being "extreme" and that I should deal with it. Sometimes I really wonder if I am over sensitive too, or too dramatic, or even crazy. But everyone else I talk to with things like this believes I'm not. Well sure, sometimes I can be a little sensitive or insecure, but what human being isn't at times? I don't really know any better, I haven't ever really been in a long relationship to the point where I have fallen in love. I don't exactly know how to handle things all the time or what's appropriate or what's not. What's typical and what's not typical in a relationship.

I am trying so incredibly hard to just not care when it comes to porn. I am doing a better job with it slowly. But it does seem like a cycle. I don't think I'd meet a guy who wouldn't look at porn. And it's unrealistic and selfish to suggest a man stop doing so just because I'd feel a certain way. I know it's what a guy does basically before he even has a girlfriend. It's something they do privately and always have enjoyed. I can understand that aspect, completely. But I can't help if at times I can feel awkward about it. I try to always be my best in a relationship. I'm never rude or mean to him, and when I mention something that will make me feel a little bad, like porn in some instances (not all cases of "discovery"), he will get defensive and assume I don't want him to look at it or "stop". When I won't even say "DON'T LOOK AT IT!" I'll just be trying to explain how I feel and he will assume that's what I want. It's unrealistic a man should stop masturbating and I'd NEVER even say such a thing to him like, "stop!"... But at the same time I think he should respect how I feel about it too, if I am trying to respect what he does, and try to understand it, despite some struggles to understand along the way.

[Boisdevie]

I don't think you are ever going to resolve this problem. From what you're saying it basically boils down to 'I should be enough for him' and he shouldn't need porn. So you're trying to change him, trying to make him into what you want. I think eventually you will become frustrated that it's not working or he will get really pissed off because he'll think you're trying to change him - which you are.
I'm 48 years old and have been around the block a bit and it seems to me that a lot of women try to change their men. OK, I might change certain aspects of who I am but go beyond a certain point and men become withdrawn and pissed off.
But if you seriously expect to find a boyfriend who doesn't like porn then I think you are going to wait a very long time. And If you do, you might continue to try to change the guy to suit your Mr Perfect. Mr Perfect does not exist - bit like the woman who does not fart.

[pisces25]

I don't think she is worried about the porn per se it seems to be the frequency and his attitude towards her being uncomfortable about it.

In any case I agree the problem won't be resolved. In my experience there are guys that like porn A LOT and those that watch it every now and then but are overall 'meh' about it. So whilst she probably won't find a guy that doesn't like it to some extent she could find one that falls into the latter camp.

[GagaRoma]

I'm not looking to change him or make him stop that, I specifically said that'd be unrealistic and I wouldn't find a guy like that. It's more my feelings when it comes to it. Not everything will make me feel awkward but if/when it does I don't want a guy to get frustrated with me and be rude about it.

[bcgirl]

gagaroma....this is your first relationship. It's a learning experience. You are bound to get your heart broken at least once in your lifetime. With experience will you only know what sexual compatibility and personality compatibility means. You have a lot to discover about yourself and about what you really like in sex too....not what you think you like. Have you actually experienced an orgasm? or do you just think you've experienced one? 80% of women aren't able to orgasm with just plain intercourse alone....it's our anatomy. If you are a romantic by nature, you like to be affectionate and crave the attention and you like a lot of communication....then most likely you will always be like that. Your boyfriend seems like the complete opposite in what you've described. You will be forever longing and chasing him for his affirmation and attention......he will forever think you are too clingy and try to shake you off of him. I see this leading to heartbreak.....but, it's a good experience in the long run for you to learn from.
I think you are able to get over the whole porn thing if your boyfriend was willing to communicate in the fashion that you communicate in. Instead of just saying "get over it". You should find a guy who is more sensitive to your feelings. There are plenty of guys out there.

[smackie9]

I see that some women are threatened by porn, but just like prostitution, it's been around since the beginning of mankind and it's not going away.

What you said is right. You are new to how relationships work, and how men think, etc. Also it has to do a lot with your age and inexperience. What you need to do is learn to trust. Trust him that he is faithful to you, and his loyalty to you, which he is. Looking a porn is not cheating. I don't see porn watching as being incompatible either. If it were so then 90% of women would not be in a relationship.

As for your BF, if he is rude about something, tell him on the spot. This isn't just about porn, but how to handle situations when they come up. Porn is only going to be one thing you will have to deal with. Relationships do take work, but can be handled by using honest communication. Being young that fairytale relationship concept, of forever yours, is just that, a fairytale. I think the porn was a slap of reality that you never had. Welcome to the wonderful world of adult relationships. This relationship will probably end, and so will the next and so on. This is how you learn, it prepares you for the big league, "Marriage".

[Boisdevie]

but if/when it does I don't want a guy to get frustrated with me ane and be rude about it.

When you challenge him about it. When you are not prepared to accept him the way he is. When you don't like what he does. There comes a point when a man will tell a woman to simply get lost because she's trying to make him into what she wants and not who he is