Trying To Figure Out a Woman Who is Vexing Me

[ChristianonLI]

I am going to spare everyone the details of this odd relationship because I have already posted them previously and they are not relevant to what I am asking. But I do have a few questions. Hopefully some insightful individuals can give me an idea as to what is going on.

It is necessary though that I recap, as briefly as possible, the situation. Back in 2011 I dated a woman for a few months who was separated from her husband. Not fully divorced but separated for many months with no intention of reconciling. Things were going great then soon as she signed the official divorce papers she fell into a spiral of depression, pulled away from me, and we broke up. She said she needed time to herself to heal, which I can respect. About a month went by and she started calling and texting again. We began to spend time together again, hooked up a few times and in that time she started giving hints that she was considering getting back together with me. Then everything just STOPPED. The calls, the texts, the hook ups, and whenever we did hang out it seemed strained. And the few times I would bring up us getting back together it was always "I'm just not ready yet." I can respect that, but I do not like it. Keep in mind that when everything stopped short was when she moved into a new apartment and got caught up in setting it up.

Last week I asked her out on an official date which she accepted. The date went well but at the end when I started talking about possibly restarting things it fell right back to how she wasn't ready and didn't know when she'd be ready. Fast forward that a few days and we had a huge argument about how apparently I'm putting all this pressure on her (when I went many weeks without saying a word, just being her casual no strings friend) and how if I just let things be it might restart "one day".

So the questions I have are this:

1. If this woman has clearly stated she sees a future with me one day, but not right now, what are the chances she's just trying to let me down easy without hurting my feelings?

2. If she started out being in favor of a friends with benefits situation (which she has stated she still sees it as though we haven't hooked up in a month) then seems to not be in favor it, what are the chances she's found someone else?

3. What is the deal with this whole "I'm not ready" thing? I don't understand it. I got divorced a few years ago and all I wanted was somebody new there. My whole life I have hated being alone. I personally find nothing good about being single because it just means I'm not good enough for somebody. Why would anyone want time alone? She was already separated almost a year, shouldn't that be enough time? I treated her absolutely wonderfully and did every last little thing right, of this I have no doubt and she has stated how great she thinks I am and how perfect we'd be for each other. But still not ready?

WHY?

[ChristianonLI]

Does no one have anything to say on this? Anything positive? Negative? I go day after day waiting for her to break out of this crap only to go to bed every night without any resolution. Just a month before she broke it off she said she was in love with me. I cannot imagine those feelings were premature or incorrect. I know for certain I am in love with her as well and if we both are in love with each other this should not be happening. Yet it is.

[intrigue]

Your not in love with her, you just don't want to be by yourself, you said it yourself in the original post. Find someone who wants you and who you know you want. Learn to love yourself. Trust me i've come to the exact realisation about myself this weekend.

[ChristianonLI]

Well I will admit I don't want to just be alone. I cannot imagine anyone really wanting that. But I had been single for a long time before I met her and since her and I stopped dating I have not gone out and replaced her. I do not want a woman to be with me just for sake of being with me, I also want her to be someone I truly connect with which I know this woman and I did. I just want her back as she was and I cannot figure out why she is resisting.

Ever since she broke up with me I have felt this horrible aching inside me. Even though we have since spent time together and hooked up it's not enough for me and since our last argument we haven't really spoken and the only thing I want in the world is for her to go back to the way she was before she got depressed about her divorce and decided she couldn't be in a relationship with me. It was the absolute best four months of my life and I cannot imagine any other woman making me as happy as she made me. I have now been waiting for her to come out of this funk nearly as long as we were together and every time she gave me a hint that she was coming around to being all better I got very exciting and hopeful for the future. But the prospect of having to wait months more, and then possibly not even having her back, makes me feel very fearful for the future. Not since my ex-wife had I found a woman who made me feel like I could spend the rest of my life with her. THAT'S all I want. A woman to spend the rest of my life and be happy with. Not just anyone. And this woman was all that and more.

Can someone at least constructively answer my questions?

[bulrush]

The married woman just wants something casual. It looks clear to me. She wants you to be on call for her, without her putting any effort into you two.

1. If this woman has clearly stated she sees a future with me one day, but not right now, what are the chances she's just trying to let me down easy without hurting my feelings?

She's leading you on, telling you what you want to hear without making a clear commitment.

2. If she started out being in favor of a friends with benefits situation (which she has stated she still sees it as though we haven't hooked up in a month) then seems to not be in favor it, what are the chances she's found someone else?

She might have found someone else. We don't know. My ESP thingy is in for repairs.

3. What is the deal with this whole "I'm not ready" thing? I don't understand it. I got divorced a few years ago and all I wanted was somebody new there. My whole life I have hated being alone. I personally find nothing good about being single because it just means I'm not good enough for somebody. Why would anyone want time alone? She was already separated almost a year, shouldn't that be enough time? I treated her absolutely wonderfully and did every last little thing right, of this I have no doubt and she has stated how great she thinks I am and how perfect we'd be for each other. But still not ready?

Everyone is different. She just wants FWB it sounds like, with no commitment. Nothing more. And people need different amounts of time to grieve and collect their emotions. It took me 4 years after my divorce before I started dating regularly. My ex was dating before the divorce was final.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Stop calling her. Get over it. Find someone else. She doesn't want to date you seriously, and has told you as much several times. What is so vexing??

[HeartIsAching]

For one thing, I think you're pushy as all get-out, and it's making her dig her heels in. You asked her multiple times (from the sound of your post) to have an exclusive relationship, all of which she declined... then after a hiatus you went out on ONE DATE, and asked her again. You want it, she doesn't.

Bulrush might also be onto something... it's quite possible she just wants you at her discretion and nothing else.

[IndiReloaded]

I agree with HIA. You sound pushy. Bulrush is right: not everyone gets over a split as quickly as you did. Why don't you just date other people for now? She wants space, so give it to her. This isn't rocket science. You need to tone down those expectations. She doesn't owe you a thing.

[ChristianonLI]

You are right, she doesn't owe me anything. The problem I have is that from June to October of 2011 we were inseparable. We spent every single day together. She spent nearly every night with me and I woke up to her in the morning. We started talking about our long term futures together. We told each other how much we were in love and everything was perfect. It proceeded exactly as a picturesque relationship should. And then, with the signing of her divorce papers, it all ended. She fell off the deep end, spiraled down into depression and it all stopped. She stopped calling, texting, coming over. When we did hang out she was anxious and depressed, constantly obsessed with what went wrong with her marriage and how much of it was her fault when it really wasn't. I tried my best to be supportive but it didn't help. She was just too focused on where her marriage went wrong and how much of it was her fault and why I shouldn't want to be with her.

Yes, I was a bit pushy and I feel bad about that. I tried my absolute hardest to back off and just be her friend but when I want so much more it's difficult, you know? When things go so well for such a period of time only to reverse course in the blink of an eye I don't entirely understand it. She told me today she doesn't know if she still loves me. She needs time. That's fine, I can respect that. But if she doesn't know if she loves me all I can think is "did she ever love me"?

I need to give her time. I need to not talk to her. Which I have every intention of doing because it's the only thing on this Earth that could hopefully get her back one day. Just by being myself I treated her better than her husband ever did and I was in fact precisely everything she ever wanted in a man. This she told me explicitly and this is why I am so confused. If I was everything she ever wanted then why did she pull away? The answer to that question I already know, though. She is terrified of repeating the mistake she made with her husband. She moved into an apartment with him after just three months of dating. Fast forward eight years and they are getting divorced. I can understand and respect that she doesn't want to make that mistake again. But knowing all this and knowing how she feels doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make it easy at all for me to just go and live my life and hope that one day she will want to be with me again when all I can think about is how she'll fall for someone else who is inferior to me and just have it all happen again when I know I would never, ever do to her what her husband did.

I love this woman with all my heart. I have never been so sure of anything in all my life. But short of melding our two minds like Vulcans from Star Trek there is no real way to prove this to her and as a result I am stuck. I am stuck and left to just go and live my life while she lives hers, hoping day after day that she misses me and thinks more and more of me and one day hopefully, by the grace of God, realizes how special I am and how much I love her and that she can be with no one else but me. Yes, there's other fish in the sea, I know this. And one day I will surely find another woman who makes me feel almost as she did. But it will never be the same. Each love is unique and different and this love I had with her was the best thing I ever had. Nothing could ever truly replace it. Is that really how I am expected to live my life? To remember what could have been but will never be? To long for what I cannot have while some other inferior man benefits? If that's the case I might as well drive off a bridge right now because such a life is not one worth leading.

[IndiReloaded]

You are right, she doesn't owe me anything. The problem I have is that from June to October of 2011 we were inseparable. We spent every single day together. She spent nearly every night with me and I woke up to her in the morning. We started talking about our long term futures together. We told each other how much we were in love and everything was perfect. It proceeded exactly as a picturesque relationship should. And then, with the signing of her divorce papers, it all ended. She fell off the deep end, spiraled down into depression and it all stopped.

The love you experienced during this period is probably what kept her together. Once she was divorced, reality came crashing home. Divorce is one of the main triggers for depression. Did you say she's getting counselling? She should, if she isn't. Antidepressant meds wouldn't hurt either. Lots of people take them to help them through this kind of thing. Its only been a few short months for her, remember.

I love this woman with all my heart. I have never been so sure of anything in all my life. Yes, there's other fish in the sea, I know this. And one day I will surely find another woman who makes me feel almost as she did. But it will never be the same. Each love is unique and different and this love I had with her was the best thing I ever had. Nothing could ever truly replace it. Is that really how I am expected to live my life? To remember what could have been but will never be?

Perhaps. Part of becoming wise, Chris, is learning patience and acceptance. Love, like most things delicate, has a season where it best flourishes. Sometimes, as it sounds in your case, the timing or situation is wrong. It doesn't sound as if she can love anyone right now, and that's not hard to understand given her recent divorce. Even if you manage to force it now, it won't be love but something twisted. You are so desperate to get those feelings with her back you think you'll be happy with it but it will cost you in the end.

If she comes back at all (and you need to accept she may not), she needs to come to you whole. Its not a process you will have any control over and, if you really love her you need to accept this. For your own growth, you need to sort out why you are so desperate to have this relationship even when you know, intellectually, now is not the time.

Take a breath, give the hormones a chance to subside. All things change and you need to learn patience. Ask HIA about this.

[ChristianonLI]

I don't know why you insist on calling me Lion (not the first time) but I am beyond wondering why.

I do not want to force her because it wouldn't be genuine or right then. At the same time I am miserable without her. I fell in love with her and her with me. That should be all there is to it. Our happily ever after should have logically come next. The exact person she is is exactly what I have always wanted in a woman and she had made it very clear to me that exactly who I am is exactly what she had always wanted in a man. Just being me I was her ideal man! Since I haven't changed that means I still am.

She is terrified of repeating the mistake she made with her husband and that was falling too hard too fast. Respecting her decision to be alone doesn't make this any easier for me though, especially if she never comes back and ends up with someone else. I know anyone else could not possibly love and appreciate her as much as I do.

Why an I desperate for this relationship? Because I'm 33 and my life needs to start NOW. But it needs to start with the right woman and I am not about to make same mistake I made with my ex wife, that being just settling on the first to come my way. This woman is the right woman, of that I am absolutely sure and if she never came back I would undoubtedly just end up with someone inferior to her and never be as happy again as I was with her. I cannot live with the memories of what might have been but will never be. I'm a good man and I have waited my whole life for her. Then I had her and now she's gone. Is that really fair?

[IndiReloaded]

B/c the last part of your SN reads 'onLI'. I read that as Lion. Shrug. I changed your post to Chris. Hope that's better.

As for the rest, you just don't get it. Your urgency isn't hers. Not only that, but your post is all about YOU. I don't read any true empathy for her situation in any of this. If you truly loved her, you'd be able to let her go. She probably senses this and has decided she doesn't need the additional drama that is you.

Since when is life fair? Is divorce fair? Are sick spouses or children becoming ill or dying fair? How about living with long-term illness? Or old friends who discover they love each other but won't destroy a family to be together? People have all sorts of pain in their lives, Chris. Sometimes the choice isn't yours to make and graceful acceptance is the best one can do. You are still letting your emotions control you. Reread the advice you see here and think about it.

[Mathias]

To long for what I cannot have while some other inferior man benefits? If that's the case I might as well drive off a bridge right now because such a life is not one worth leading.

Robert,

It seems like you have some issues here. "Inferior man"? That's a little too much, and the last sentence is completely overdramatic.

It might be time to take a look at yourself.

[ChristianonLI]

You didn't have to change it. Lion is quite alright with me.

As for having empathy for her situation, I have done my best these past few months to understand and respect her need for time alone. Her and I tried the friends with benefits thing for a while but after about a month my emotions got in the way and ended that. She actually thinks that because I have trouble being downgraded to a "friend" it means I don't really love her which is ridiculous. I'll say it again: I fell in love with her, she fell in love with me, and absolutely regardless of anything going on in her or my life, happily ever after was what was supposed to come next. And every day that goes by where she doesn't show up at my door with the realization we belong together is another day lost and wasted. And if she ends up with someone else? I would have rather not met her, then. It would just mean my time with her was a complete waste and totally pointless and I HATE having my time wasted.

I cannot feel complete as a person until I have a woman who I am in love with and who is in love with me. Forever. Not for a few years. Not for a few months. Until the day we both keel over and die. Just because some of you might not think that is the right way to be doesn't mean I am wrong. It is part of who I am. That is what I NEED. And from June to October of 2011 I had it. Now it's gone, my time was wasted and in spite of her urgings that I not hang on and hope for her to come back that's all I can do. I do not want another woman in my life. And if for those few months I was everything she could have hoped for in a man then she should still feel that way. Nothing should have changed.

She wasted my time. She fell in love with me then realized she wasn't sure if it was right. And if she never comes back I will be forced to live with the memories of her and the longing for what could have been but will never be. AGAIN. The prospect of that angers and terrifies me. I don't want to end up like that. I absolutely CANNOT end up like that. The woman whom I spend the rest of my life with should have been in my life years ago but she isn't. And when I thought I finally had found her she was taken from me as quickly as she had arrived. You actually think I should gracefully accept that?

[HeartIsAching]

You didn't have to change it. Lion is quite alright with me.

It's apparent that it isn't.