Girlfriend Help

[Mike2341]

Let me first start off by saying that I am not a bad guy, and I am only making this post to try to fix my relationship. I am in college and have been dating my girlfriend for almost 3 years. I have been always been loyal to her, and never cheated on her. She tells me all the time how she wants to be with me forever, and she wants to get married after college. I love her a lot, and I wouldn't mind marrying her in time, however right now we are sort of in a funk. I sort of feel sexually unattracted to her. She is beautiful, but I feel like she has so much more potential. She has a pretty face but she doesn't really use a lot of make up. Also her hair often looks really dry, and it causes it to look kind of crazy. She is in decent shape, but sometimes looks like she is a little chubby. This is because she doesn't have the healthiest eating habits, and when she works out it is not that hard of a workout, and also she will only workout like twice a week at most for 45min.

What I keep on hoping will happen is that she decides she wants a makeover, where some beauty expert can help her show her how to put on make up to make her face look even prettier, and a stylist can give her a new haircut, and give her shampoo that doesnt make her hair look crazy. And as for getting in better shape I would like her to work out with me, and do the workouts I choose. B/c I work out hard, and long enough to be in good shape.

I guess I'm just posting on her to express my thoughts. But any thoughts you girls have would be great. Like what is the best way to approach this? Should I tell her I don't feel sexually attracted to her anymore?

I see so many girls around campus who look amazing, and than I'll see them later without make, and their hair up, and they look like a completely different person, so I know how easy it can be to look more attractive with just a little beauty help.

I know all this sounds bad, and many people are just going to say I need to accept her the way she is, but being attracted to someone is important, and I don't know how I can make this work if I am not attracted to her. Breaking up with her would destroy her, and I would almost want to live my life with someone I'm not attracted to than hurt her that bad. So just please be nice when you post, and any help you could offer would be great. Thanx!!!

[IndiReloaded]

Break up with her. There are many reasons for this, but this is what you should do. You will hurt her more if you stay.

[a19drift]

It's my humble opinion that if you can't accept this girl at her worst, you don't deserve her at her best. Yes, you do need to be attracted to this girl for your relationship to succeed. But um...if she doesn't do it up now, she probably never did -- and you've been together for 3 years? Has she worn a mask this entire time and you're just NOW figuring out what she looks like? Probably not.

No, you're being bombarded with temptation (helloooo, college) and you can't hack it! I'm not trying to insult you guy, it's just the truth. You're basically looking at this girl that's been loyal to you and with you for these 3 years and saying, "You no longer impress me." That sucks -- but, it is what it is.

You need to break up with this poor girl before the both of you waste more time. & if you're having difficulty with that, you need to look EXTREMELY deep inside yourself, and figure out where YOU changed, because from your side of the story, it doesn't sound like she did. She counts on you as a constant in her life, that's not something to be taken for granted, so if you can't find your way around to accepting her exactly as she is 24 long hours of the day, you need end it.

[dem862]

What I hear you saying is that you don't feel she is good enough for you. This is your shit, not hers. She is probably a lovely girl that another guy would bend over backwards to be with. Maybe you think you can do better. So maybe you should, and let her find someone who will appreciate her, faults and all. She thinks you are marriage material. If you start to burden her with your insecurities, you could do severe harm to your relationship. On the other hand, it might be better to get these out in the open before more time is wasted.

[pisces25]

Yep agree with everyone else. And just keep in mind if you do break up with this girl and chase one of those ones that look amaaaaazing with make-up on (but average without it) chances are you will feel sexually unattracted to her in 3 years time, when you see her day-in-day-out.

IMO it's your age. You're young and wanna have fun. Once you're older, things like make-up and stuff don't matter as you tend to realise it's mighty hard to find decent people these days and you would take that over someone who looks good any day.

There is nothing wrong with leaving this girl behind to explore your options whilst you're young. Be fair to her and let her find someone that truly loves her for what she is.

[holly316]

Were you once attracted to her? How old are you both?

[Mike2341]

Wow some of you have no idea what you are talking about.... TRUST ME I HAVE DEALT WITH HER AT HER WORST. She put me through hell the first year we were together, which was in college. All my friends said to dump her b/c I could do better, but I didn't because I liked spending time with her, and I loved her. So to everyone who commented she is not this perfect innocent girl. Also, girls can be such hypocrites. How is it okay that she can tell me when I should get a haircut, tell me not to wear certain clothes, and once she even told me I was losing definition in my abs, but If I ask her to go to the gym with me so I can work her out than she gets insulted and defensive.

Also yea, she accepts me for I am because I try to be the best person I can be all the time. I am not trying to sound like an arrogant douche, but I work hard in my life, and deserve some credit for it. I play a college sport, work out regularly, get A's in college, work an internship at a financial branch, and still find time everyday to spend with her, and I do my best to make her feel special. She is a hard worker too, and I do give her credit for that.

It has only been the past couple months that we have been in this rut. What can I say though? I am not as physically attracted to her as I have been in the past. You can call me shallow, but I can't change the way I feel. She has gained some weight so that has something to do with it. But the main problem is she has really been talking about marriage a lot more, and it has made me realize that she could be the only girl I'm with for the rest of my life, so now I have higher expectations of her, just like she has had higher expectations for me. I would like to be with her forever. I love her, and I love spending time with her. She is funny and smart, and just a lot of fun to be around. I don't feel like I should end a relationship just because I am not currently attracted to her. I believe any girl has the ability to look beautiful with enough work, just like every guy can look handsome. All I want to do is to make her try hard, but I don't know what to do or say without crushing her. So right now I am like in idle. I haven't been moving the relationship forward because I am not willing to commit to someone I am not attracted to, but at the same time I can not end everything we have based on outward appearance. So help on how to get us out of this rut would be helpful, and please no more posts about my "poor innocent girlfriend".

And to the person who asked we are early 20's about to graduate college.

[pisces25]

Help on getting out of the rut is to change your attitude.

But the main problem is she has really been talking about marriage a lot more, and it has made me realize that she could be the only girl I'm with for the rest of my life, so now I have higher expectations of her, just like she has had higher expectations for me.

What do you think you are both going to be like in 30 years time or after she has had kids? People change as they age. You can not expect her to look like what she did when you first started dating.

If you don't like being told when to get a haircut or what not to wear then ignore it. We are not here to spend our life conforming to what our partner likes. I'm not saying partners should let themselves go but things will change a little over time.

As for her weight gain try and approach it from the 'health' point of view. Don't even mention appearance. Just say you are concerned gaining weight can be detrimental to health and you want both of you to stay healthy to have a long life together.

Anyway I still think this isn't the issue at all. I think maybe you are freaking out at not being able to be with another girl for the rest of your life if you get married to this girl. Just my opinion and what I can guage from some of your comments.

[smackie9]

She neglects herself because you neglect her. If you romanced her more often and made her feel desired, she probably would go out of her way to look good for you. Ding ding, I think we have a winner here!

[holly316]

We can all argue that looks don't matter, but attraction and desire come partly from the pleasure we get from looking at our partner. If your love's personality did a 360, you would bring it up. Problem is if you tell her you are not attracted, she will be hurt and pull away. If you continue, your attraction will continue to dwindle and you will pull away. If my partner stopped combing his hair, wore sweats, and put no effort into his appearance I would take notice. You came here to ask advice on how to approach the situation. If you break it off without telling her why she is hurt, if you bring it up she will be hurt. When women are complimented we feel more beautiful, when we feel beautiful we feel desired. I am shy about my body, but my boyfriend wants to see me as naked as possible :-) He says I think your adorable, you need to feel adorable. That gives me confidence, and makes me want to be naked for him. Take her to a salon, let her get her hair, make -up, nails done, compliment her, tell her how beautiful she looks. Go home and have amazing sex :-) Food shop together, say you want the two of you to be healthy and take care of each other, cook together. My boyfriend often packs my lunches for me when he knows I am tired. Trust me telling her you are not attracted and are upset that she has put on weight..will not end well. Chances are she is feeling a bit depressed, and when we are depressed we tend to neglect taking care of ourselves. If you are financially able, plan a weekend get away, I know when I have hotel plans that involve a pool, I hit the gym more ahead of time. Go to the gym together, after hit the showers and then the bedroom. Try to find that heat. You both need to work to bring the spark back. If in the end you can't rekindle, you have a decision to make if this is not the woman you will marry, and you owe it to her to break it off so she can find someone who desires her if you don't. We all deserve that.

[Mike2341]

She neglects herself because you neglect her. If you romanced her more often and made her feel desired, she probably would go out of her way to look good for you. Ding ding, I think we have a winner here!

You are 100% wrong. I take her out all the time, and I think she looks good when we go out.

[Mike2341]

Thank you Holly that was very helpful. I like your idea of taking her to get salon myself.

I think I might have painted a bad picture. We are still good, and we still have sex, just not as often. We really only have sex when we go on dates, and she gets all made up, but she doesn't know about my recent feelings.

Pisces25.... My point was I don't care that she makes suggestions and critiques about my appearance, I just don't think it is fair that she can do that, and I can't make suggestions to her on how she can look better.

[pisces25]

Although the stuff Holly said makes sense can you really expect her to go to a salon everyday to achieve that look? Seems you are ok when she is made up and stuff but it takes a bit of effort on a daily basis to get that 'just left the salon' look. Does that mean on the days she looks like that you will be fine, but then all the other days you will feel like this? To me I don't see this as her problem. She is just doing what she has been for 3 years. Yes the weight gain might be an issue and this can be tackled. But is the weight gain all it is? If I had a BF that expected/wanted me to look like I just walked off a magazine cover everyday of the week I'd tell him to take a hike.

And you can and do make suggestions to her, as you said above, you just don't like the way she reacts. You can't control the way she is going to react to what you say. But I believe some things can be said tactfully to get the point across. Maybe next birthday or Xmas get her a gift voucher to meet with an image consultant so she can learn about what works best for her body when choosing clothes and make up and stuff. Also give her LOTS of compliments when she wears something you like or say 'I love your hair like that you should wear it like that more often' which will boost her confidence. For girls if we feel good we look good and if we look good we feel good. Seems she is just comfortable with you and the relationship and has more important things to do than stand in front of the mirror for hours on end.

[smackie9]

OK I will put it another way.....the relationship has become comfortable. She doesn't see a need to "pretty" herself up 100% of the time. This is just part of life when you have been with someone for awhile. Things do slow down in the sex department too, the excitement dies off.

She has "given up" or has gotten "lazy" is a sign that your relationship has become routine, boring, the same old. Spice it up with new things. Try doing something out of your comfort zone, something you two can do together and have fun with. Scrap the flowers and dinners (yawn). You want her to eat better, you take some cooking classes and cook nutritious meals for her. Don't drag her to a gym, that's boring, take her kayaking or go on a weekend hiking trips. You need to think outside the box.

[smackie9]

The sad thing is, you compare her to amazing looking girls on campus. You are unsatisfied with her, and you are turned off. When you truly love someone, you don't care about that because the way they make you feel makes them beautiful to you. I don't think you are or have even been at that level. You are too fixated on physical appearance, so much so you are tempted to break up with her.

You want a made up doll, then find a girl that is obsessed with her appearance. You GF is focused on more important things. She sounds like she is already "working hard" but on her education and her future. She is just that type of girl.......she might not be your type.