Girlfriend 'breaking up' with me ... and moving to my best friend

[Spitfire01]

Hello,

This weekend happened what I never would thought possible or real. My girlfriend said she was leaving me, AND that she was in love with my best friend. My best friend also told me he had feelings for my girl. But I will quickly recap how this situation came to exist.

I've been living abroad in my gf's country for over 3 years, and things have been up and down. A bit more than a year ago due to circumstances I couldnt take it anymore over there and I was ready to pack my bags. However, my gf said she would join me. We started planning and now in September 2011 moved to my country. We found a nice flat in the city where several of my friends live, I got a good job, she started studying the local language to improve her job chances. We started going out more often, and seeing my friends. However, she was not happy here. The fact that she was jobless, while she had a job at her home, made her quite sad and unhappy. Additionally, the intensive language course added extra stress.

Since New Years eve however, I noticed a certain change. It so happened that I drank a glass to many that evening, causing me to have to pass of going into town after midnight. However, my girl still wanted to have fun, and I didnt want to deny that. So she went with some friends of mine (all male, including my best friend) into town, only to return 9 am the following morning. Since then several times we've been going out the three of us (gf, best friend and me), and I have been going home early (between 1 and 3 am), because I was exhausted. She several times stayed with my best friend and returned when it was already dawn. Since then I noticed an increasing bond between those 2. They started going out now and then without me (as friends), started chatting alot on Facebook, and when we were all out together they would take plenty smoking breaks outside which lasted half an hour or something. I tried to tell myself it was just friends having a talk, and she needed someone to talk to except her boyfriend.

Alas I was wrong, and finally this weekend the (A-)bomb dropped and my worst fears, unthinkable as they were, turned to be very real indeed. Sunday morning, after another night alone in the town, my gf came back and told me she was leaving and was in love with someone else. I immediately knew who ofcourse. She started then to pack her bags and tried to leave. However I panicked, locked the door and said she couldnt leave. I was reasoning that she had nowhere to go, and I couldnt let her wander and sleep on the streets. I probably went wrong there, but I did not know what to do. Later my best friend came by and started 'explaining'. He confirmed he also had feelings for her. When I asked him whether he was gonna ignore those feelings (as I said a best friend is supposed to do in this scenario), he couldnt say yes to that. He only said he wouldnt 'act' on them right now, but couldnt say he was always gonna ignore them... even though my raging reactions clearly gave the message that I was of course NOT OK with that.

In the end she left the house, because she said she couldnt stay here with me. She said she doesnt love me anymore, that she's unhappy. I retorted that she was unhappy because of her situation, and her joblessness, and not because she lost feelings for me and got 'feelings' for some best friend who happens to be a better 'talker' than I am. However, she left with him, to stay at the house he's renting with some friends. Because she didnt have anywhere else to go. My friend did assure me that he wouldnt touch her, and would give her a chance to come back. I of course know better than to consider that a real assurance. I felt betrayed, deeply betrayed by my best friend. He said he didnt agree with my position that you cant date your best friends 'ex' (which she isnt yet in my opinion).

Yes, things have not been going great lately. We've had several conversations lately about how she feels unhappy, and she thinks she lost feelings for me. But lately I also noticed I managed to change some serious flaws about my character in a positive way. I was trying so hard Yes, I didnt want to do stuff or go out, while she did manage to do things with my friend. But I was changing all that

Anyway, that about tells the story in a nutshell. Basically she's over there now, and I hear little from her. I send her a few texts now and then, to let her know that I still think about her. Yesterday I had a rage on the telephone where I yelled that her that she was making a huge mistake, that her feelings are not real, that she's confused. I don't know what to do. Maybe I would be a bit more at ease if she would be at a neutral party's home, or if this would be a 'normal' breakup, without a third party in the first place. But now its double shit. I cant communicate with her, but he can talk to her all he wants. An unfair competition indeed I would say. So I don't really know how to handle this. She surely feels it's 'so much better' with him, because she feels she can talk to him, even though she can always talk to me too. I feel she's naive and blind. But I want her back.

If this would be final, I would have lost my girlfriend, my best friend, the ability to go into town, to my favorite bar, because they will be there. The ability to hang out with my other friends, because theyre from the same friends circle, and its not like they would distance themselves just cos my best friend is a ****ing lying backstabbing betraying asshole.

So any help or feedback is welcome. Thank you.

[IndiReloaded]

Not much to say. Sounds like your GF has had issues with your relationship for some time. Your 'friend' was there for her and they fell for each other. Is he a jerk to do this to you? Yes. Is she likely transferring her frustrations with you to him (i.e. using him as her e-tampon)? Yes. Happens all the time. They are madly trying to justify their betrayal of you right now and, if it helps to know, they probably won't last. More b/c of the way they went about this than whether they truly care about each other (or not.

It sounds like you are more upset at how this breakup will affect your social circle more than your relationship with your ex-GF. Things didn't sound all that great b/t the two of you. You sound like a bit of a jerk w/your drunk thing when she wanted to go out. Next time, be more considerate of your GF if you want to keep her. Tho, the fact she would cheat on you with your friend says she's not all that great herself. She doesn't seem to appreciate all the sacrifices and hard work you are doing. Take your lumps and move on.

[smackie9]

This is just life, and it happens. Hope you learn something about YOURSELF from this experience, grow from it and move on.

[searock]

She *is* your ex now, she told you she doesn't have feelings for you anymore, has been trying to tell you for a long time, you just didn't want to listen or believe it. Your friend was quite the jerk, then again you can't really control feelings. Just try to move on and don't think that she's made a mistake, she *really* has no more feelings for you.

[Spitfire01]

It sounds like you are more upset at how this breakup will affect your social circle more than your relationship with your ex-GF. Things didn't sound all that great b/t the two of you. You sound like a bit of a jerk w/your drunk thing when she wanted to go out. Next time, be more considerate of your GF if you want to keep her. Tho, the fact she would cheat on you with your friend says she's not all that great herself. She doesn't seem to appreciate all the sacrifices and hard work you are doing. Take your lumps and move on.

Maybe I should add the information that before we moved last year, she was flirting with some guy, which I only discovered in time before something really happened. Since then my trust hasnt been really up to par.
But nevertheless, I love her so much. If I would want to get her back - if that's even possible - I don't know what I should do

[smackie9]

We always desire most what we can't have. She has already shown you she is interested in other guys other than you....what makes you think anything would be any different if she does come back. You really need to step back and take a look at the big picture here. You don't fulfill her so she seeks out others. Do yourself a favor, let her go so you can meet someone who actually appreciates you, and actully gives a s hit.

[IndiReloaded]

She was cheating on you. Why would you ever want someone like that back? That's just the hormones talking. You don't miss her, you miss the *idea* of her, or rather, what you hoped things could be. Don't confuse the two.

[searock]

She flirted with some other guy an year ago already? She wasn't in love with you since long before that is my guess. People who are in love with someone don't flirt with someone else. Just move on.

[dem862]

It's over. You have lost your girlfriend and your best friend. But it sounds like neither was much of a loss. Keep reminding yourself this is "her loss." It will take time for you to heal. You will alternate between crying and anger. It will get better and you will find someone else. She may break up with him and try to get you back, but ask yourself if you can trust a woman ever again who would do this to you.

[Lunaa]

That must really be a difficult situation to be in, but sometimes life is hard and we need to learn to move on. It seems like your girlfriend had issues and maybe you also had issues and neither of you knew how to fix them, sometimes relationships end and we need to face the facts, I know it sounds even harder to do because you feel betrayed by your best friend, but you shouldn't, you need to let her go and stop contacting her, you are probably feeling a lot of emotions right now, but you have to stop contact with her, she clearly doesn't have feelings for you, you need time to heal and get out and meet other people.