fellow guys... a little advice

[bombboy85]

ya I pretty much chalked the gym thing up to whatever I figured with our fight last week she hid something from me cause she thought i would get pissed. The pizza thing has happened before but she told me and I didn't get upset at all. As far as calling her on stuff even though I can look at our phone bill etc... its still gonna piss her off cause I snooped and I'm not proud of it believe me so I found out unfairly then its not fair for me to hold it against her

[miffy]

I'm honestly shocked that some people here suggest snooping and hiring a PI. What the hell? The basis of any relationship is trust. Sometimes, you need to work on keeping that trust, especially with a long distance situation. First off, she's obviously tolerating your slight jealousy, and she married you. That should tell you something right there, namely that she loves you. Just don't overdo it, and communicate properly. Running to a marriage counselor at the first sign of trouble is, to my mind, also not exactly sound advice....if you cannot find a way around such a problem after honestly communicating and trying with each other, then you should go that road. But I don't see you anywhere near that.

At the same time, things like the picture she has of him and flat-out telling you that she finds him hotter than you are just wrong. That is inappropriate and no matter how much she may love you, she has to be made to realize that it is hurtful and concerning to you. I really feel for you, we've all been in these little situations where we doubt or partners just a bit when we're separated. It's completely natural, and it takes experience with your partner to not feel that anymore. It also tells you a bit about yourself too. I do believe in your case that she just doesn't realize where to draw the line, especially when it comes to being honest with you. Honesty is good, but talking about how she wanted to out with him, the picture and how he's hotter than you, that is just...wrong. I'd say she just assumes that you wouldn't be bothered by such things because you know how much she loves you.

Above all, trust is given, but also earned. Make her earn it a bit. But don't hire a PI or snoop after her, that is not only wrong it comes across as unattractive and it sabotages HER trust in you.

[smackie9]

Telling this guy to trust his wife.....he wasn't going to listen to that. That's why I suggested a PI so this nonsense can be put to rest.

[smackie9]

ya I pretty much chalked the gym thing up to whatever I figured with our fight last week she hid something from me cause she thought i would get pissed. The pizza thing has happened before but she told me and I didn't get upset at all. As far as calling her on stuff even though I can look at our phone bill etc... its still gonna piss her off cause I snooped and I'm not proud of it believe me so I found out unfairly then its not fair for me to hold it against her

REALITY CHECK:, you have an attractive wife, she is going to attract men and their attention.....there is nothing you can do to stop that ever. Seriously you already proved yourself to being silly about your accusations from all this snooping. Now stop it! See a therapist to work on your paranoia.

[searock]

The wife keeps sexy picture of this man on her computer! I don't think that's got anything to do with paranoia. OP, you need to let your wife know exactly how you feel. According to her reactions you will know what's really on her mind. No use talking to us when you aren't openly communicating with her.

[miffy]

Agree with searock here. Again, before seeing a therapist about paranoia, open and honest communication and making sure his wife understands what her actions are causing in him is the first step. Her actions are, as he described them, a bit unsensitive and I'm not sure she's aware of how much turmoil she is causing. If he can't accept her assurances even if she acts on him voicing his discontent, that's a different matter.

[bombboy85]

I guess an update and all for those who thought I was overly jealous etc.... all is good for now with me and the wife, she hasn't texted the guy in a few days and he hasnt reached out to her and it may have something to do with what I did. I sent him a facebook message basically saying I apologize if I insinuated that he was trying anything with my wife but at the same time the types of things he has posted on her facebook didn't exactly give me a warm fuzzy feeling about what he may be texting her at night.

Am I jealous.... maybe but not more than any other sane person in a long distance relationship with someone who feels their SO is out of their league. I am careful because my 3 long term relationships in the past I got cheated on physically or left for another guy even though all I've ever heard is that I am a good guy and I believe that. I am keeping what jealousy I do have in check unless I feel it is truly valid. In this whole thing it has been my wife's attitude that bothers me the most. In almost a year of being married the only 2 big fights we've had were over her accepting her ex's friend request on facebook and this guy, both times I told her I was uncomfortable but didn't get pissed to she threatened divorce or said she wouldn't put up with me being an ass... so saying that, if another fight comes up over me feeling truly truly uncomfortable with something like this and she won't budge an inch and makes it seem like its more important to keep someone around who is a almost non factor in her life over me then I'm done but I'm hoping it won't come to that. If I could be stationed where she is or if she were able to move to where I am none of this would occur at all.

[bombboy85]

The wife keeps sexy picture of this man on her computer! I don't think that's got anything to do with paranoia. OP, you need to let your wife know exactly how you feel. According to her reactions you will know what's really on her mind. No use talking to us when you aren't openly communicating with her.

as far as this goes I won't say anything about that picture... because she gave me her password to that email to respond to an email to the dbag that is her daughters biological father and while looking at past emails between him and her to gain a better perspective on wording the email I stumbled upon the picture. I feel like even though she gave me her password for a good reason it was wrong for me to find that so kinda like evidence in court it is not admissable for me to say anything.

[smackie9]

I

If I could be stationed where she is or if she were able to move to where I am none of this would occur at all.

I find this unsettling....so what you are saying is that you would have more control over your wife.

[bombboy85]

wow you totally have read just about everything I have said here the wrong way. I meant that as in if we could live under the same roof and spend more time together she may not ever feel lonely or be as bored as often as she is because she would have me to hang out and cuddle with on the couch watching tv and she wouldnt be as stressed with juggling work, time spent with our daugher (my stepdaughter) and trying to enjoy the nights that she has off.

As in do you think if she had me to lay in bed and cuddle with till we fell asleep that she would even respond to his late night texts? I know in all likelihood most of it is just her up at night bored and lonely.

[smackie9]

So that is your reasoning for her "going astray" so to speak? Because she is starved for attention because you are not there? She talks to these people because it's her social life. It's healthy to have a life and adequateness outside of the relationship btw. You just feel threatened by the fact some of them are male. Sure she might be bored and ya somewhat lonely, but that doesn't mean there's something sexual about it. There are many in your position, and things like this comes with the territory. She is faithful to you and you should give her some credit here. You both took on this marriage knowing full well of the circumstances. You need to make the best of it and put this jealousy aside. If you can't handle it you should never have gotten married to her then. She had these friends before you...they are just a part of her life.

[bombboy85]

So that is your reasoning for her "going astray" so to speak? Because she is starved for attention because you are not there? She talks to these people because it's her social life. It's healthy to have a life and adequateness outside of the relationship btw. You just feel threatened by the fact some of them are male. Sure she might be bored and ya somewhat lonely, but that doesn't mean there's something sexual about it. There are many in your position, and things like this comes with the territory. She is faithful to you and you should give her some credit here. You both took on this marriage knowing full well of the circumstances. You need to make the best of it and put this jealousy aside. If you can't handle it you should never have gotten married to her then. She had these friends before you...they are just a part of her life.

I totally agree... honestly and you are right on a lot of what you are saying, much of it is stupid pointless jealousy but some of the things he has posted of her FB just aren't right to post on the wall of someone who is in a relationship and I honestly feel that instead of snapping at me and defending him she should be willing to come to some sort of agreement with me but her actions have just come across as more of "you don't like it? well too bad, my way or the highway". Marriages are about compromise, not one persons will and wishes over the others. If some girl she felt threatened by was posting sexual comments on my FB and they bothered her enough I would delete the person if they weren't a major part of my life which this guy is not to her.

[smackie9]

FB is the anti-christ I agree.....communication is best for sure. There are ways of dealing with these things in a mature manner. Calming saying something like "hey guy, I don't find those comments about my wife on FB is appropriate. Think about it....this are comments directed at a married women, would you like it if someone said things like that about your significant other?" Thank you for deleting those...much appreciated.

As for your wife....if she can't step up and tell her friend or friends to refrain from such public postings.....then you have a very serious problem with your marriage. If she can't see your end of things in regards to this situation, then this problem stems from her and not the guys that she associates with.

[IndiReloaded]

I happen to agree with BBoy. Physical proximity does help reduce cheating. Same as having a good cook at home reduces the likelihood of eating takeout.

[smackie9]

People will cheat even if they are only two feet away from each other.