Sharing Domestic Responsibilities

[Michaelina]

My boyfriend and I have been living together for 6 months. First I was working part time from home and for the last few months have been unemployed and searching for a job, while he has had a full time job and some side projects here and there the whole time.

He despises chores like cooking and dishes, and I don't mind them nearly as much, so this whole time I've been doing all of the cooking, 98% of the dishes (without a dish washer or garbage disposal), all of the grocery shopping (I have to walk four blocks through our not so nice neighborhood in the cold and carry everything home), and taking out all of the garbage, etc. In the beginning it felt like playing house so I didn't mind but after a while it became really annoying to have him leave for the day and me have to be the only one to wash mountains of dishes and do absolutely everything else.

I had been asking for for his help with dishes or grocery shopping only about 5% of the time and he would complain and be annoyed the whole time, even when we'd be at the grocery store and I'm picking out food to make US for dinner and then I would do the dishes afterwards. Then I started to feel he wasn't grateful for all my sweetness of doing 100%, he just expected it, so I started asking for even more help (I explicitly told him I was never even going to demand 50% of the chores, just more than 5%!!!) and it turned into a huge fight.

He thinks that because he works hard and I'm not right now I SHOULD do nearly or all of the domestic duties because I have so much free time. I reply, just because I'm unemployed doesn't mean that I have to clean up after you all the time and you don't have to help out at all around our home. My time is valuable and just because I have more of it doesn't mean I want to spend it being his maid. ESPECIALLY since it's not like he's paying for my rent or any bills.

What do you think???

[smackie9]

This happens to the majority of women, especially when you get married.....there are some nice men out there that do like to cook and don't mind pushing around a vacuum, but they are hard to find. I never found one, but my mom did so there is hope.

[smackie9]

Oh and another tip: never have a joint account. I can't stress enough to keep your money separate.

[smackie9]

OK you could try to say, "hey if I was working full time and you were unemployed but still helping out with the bills, would you do all the cooking and cleaning?" I bet not. I think helping with the shopping, and taking out the garbage is not asking for too much"......"I'm not your slave".

[miffy]

It's usually due to upbringing. If the parents live an example of "woman keeps the house clean, man brings in the money", their children tend to follow the example. Especially men, since it's such a nice arrangement for them. Now, I grew up in a household where my parents shared nearly all chores. My father actually ironed the laundry, cooked and he always does the dishes even to this day. My mother does the cooking. I personally always followed this example in relationships, sharing chores and doing them together. It can actually be fun, especially spending time together in the kitchen (food is such an amazing aphrodisiac).

I think you've spelled out the major issue very clearly and you know what you want. Make him see that. If he's a halfway reflective and decent man, he'll see your point eventually and you may find a working solution for the both of you. Don't let him make you "his maid". I don't think he's doing it on purpose, the situation just ended up like this and now he's used to it. So get rid of that habit of his and get into an active mode of living together. Shaking up the order of things will make your relationship more interesting too.

[misombra]

Stop cleaning and cooking and start looking for a way to earn your own money. Dont have sex either cause if you get pregnant you will be his slave forever.

[Boisdevie]

1. He should pay his fair share of the rent and bills.
2. If you are doing housework and other stuff in the evenings and he's sat there doing nothing then that is not right or fair.

[surfhb]

You should be doing all those things.

I cleaned, did the yardwork, had meals on the table every night and did the dishes when I was home raising my kid. I wish i could go back and do it over, much nicer and rewarding then being stuck in an office all day dealing with a bunch of nitwits. Not to say he has a right to do nothing but he does have the right to come home and have certain things done. I mean....you have no children and you dont work right? If the guy hates to cook and do dishes, just do it 100% of the time and be done with the hassle. Honestly...hes supporting you, so why not? Once you start working all bets are off He's not a jerk to you I hope?

[miffy]

They don't have a kid.

She's not a housewife, she's currently unemployed.

She's only asking him to help out a bit from time to time, and he gets upset over it - which is concerning in itself.

If two people start a family and they arrange their lives in such a way that one part takes over certain aspects of their shared lives and the other does the rest, fine. That's healthy. These two are in a more or less beginning relationship and he's already trying to pressure her into being a housewife, which is kind of despicable. She's not being lazy, she's standing up for herself and not happy with her role in the relationship, which is perfectly legitimate.

[misombra]

He's not supporting her, thats the thing. She sais he doesnt pay her rent or bills.

[miffy]

Yes, that is a valid point. They're living together and he's not pulling his weight, AND expects her to play housewife? Something is decidedly off there.

[VincenzoG91]

It's sad but even in these modern times, there are people who are raised with rigid definitions of gender roles. This guy probably feels that helping with domestic chores would pose a threat to his manhood. You're not going to be able to reform a guy like that, so either accept it or move on.

[Wakeup]

He thinks that because he works hard and I'm not right now I SHOULD do nearly or all of the domestic duties because I have so much free time. I

I think that the domestic duties should be your job since you're not working at the moment. I would however make it perfectly clear that when I went back to work that he would need to be responsible for some of the domestic chores.

If I were you, I'd make a list of what you will be doing and what you 'expect' him to be doing and get him to agree to the list, compromise on it if he doesn't agree and get a working agreement to who does what in this so called partnership. You guys are just at logger heads and nothing will get done or accomplished if all you do is nag and end up doing everything (or the house turns into an episode of Hoarders) and all he does is sit on his ass like some 1950's Ward Cleaver without the class.

You can't control him but you can control you so make a solution and if he won't hold up his end of the bargoon after that then you know the man he is and you can safely and with full disclosure make the decision to take his ass out the curb with the trash.

[surfhb]

If she doesn't work, who pays the bills? Theyve made a life by moving in together so everybody needs to work somehow.

As usual, I agree with Wake up

[IndiReloaded]

Maybe she is covering her bills w/savings? Not uncommon for out of work people.

But if he is paying your way right now, then its certainly fair for you to pick up around the place and cook some food. Think I once calc'd that if I didn't work, I would spend not more than 2 hours daily on this and my house is likely larger than yours.

Plenty of time to clean, cook and job hunt. IF he is supporting you. If not, then you consider the sharing more like roommates. You wouldn't expect a roommate to clean and cook for you, right?