Long story, sorry about that. But I've been thinking lately... here's a timeline to hopefully make things easier.
June 2009- Met my ex in Italy where we both lived (Americans abroad). We hung out often and became fast friends. We started acting like boyfriend and girlfriend almost immediately (i.e. within two months). We got along great, did many things together, I stayed over his house, he stayed over mine, etc. We even took little trips together. However, I lived 2 hours by plane away and so a "real" relationship couldn't happen at that point.
October 2009- I had an opportunity due to work/school to move to a town closer to him. He lived by a better university and more job opportunities compared to a town in Sicily where I lived. I jumped at the chance. By this point, it was pretty obvious we were "together" because we had been traveling back and forth, but it wasn't official because up until then the distance impeded us a little bit. When I moved, we became official.
January 2010- I had stayed with him from October until January when I signed a lease on my own place and had transfered to the aforementioned university. Things were going GREAT. We got along and I felt protected and loved. The move to his town was very positive for me; I had a hard time in Sicily but the new place was clean and nice. I made lots of friends and enjoyed living there for the most part. It was an ideal life for us.
August 2010- I met his mom and uncle when they visit. She confides in me that he gushes about me and that she hopes I am the one her son marries. I am flattered and want him to marry me too, but know it's too soon. Nonetheless, our relationship is strong.
September 2010- We started looking at apartments together, but things came up in both of our lives that meant we would need to move away back to the U.S. before we could find one. His job wasn't going so well and we had planned to move back to my hometown (New York). The move back to the U.S. Was scheduled for the upcoming May. Both our families were ecstatic to have us back in the States. I had started to grow increasingly unhappy with the town I moved to in Italy because I noticed he was depressed due to work and we both thought it would be a great solution to move away together, career wise and relationship wise.
November 2010- My grandmother was falling ill very quickly and my cousin was reduced to his deathbed due to a second bout with cancer while I was still not in the U.S. My family is extremely close and much closer than his. As a result, I moved back home earlier than expected. By this point, I had begun to feel depressed and overextended between wanting to stay in Italy no matter what and my family begging me to come home. I spoke about this with him and he, personally, was not in a financial position to move back earlier than May so he stayed in Europe, but he knew I had to move back to be with my family and ready things for him to join me. I got back to my hometown and my grandmother and cousin both died within two weeks of my return.
December 2010- I discovered I was pregnant with my ex's baby while already back in New York. Miscarried, alone and scared. I needed him more than ever. At that point, he became much more than a boyfriend to me. He became almost a part of my soul. I had a hard time dealing with it. He flew to the U.S. to be with me and we worked through it, but he of course had to go back home to Italy.
January 2011- I started to feel like he was comfortable there and didn't really want to uproot himself and move back because he hardly mentioned moving back. I felt that now that we weren't physically 'together' in the same place, it was easy for him to forget me. I started to question whether he would move back. He didn't respond well to this and would get defensive. I think, secretly, I knew that deep down his anxieties about work prevented him from making the move. He didn't want the responsibility at the time of moving to a new (and expensive!) place when he was used to living so cheaply/working from home, etc.
February 2011- We broke up. I kept pressuring him and he didn't respond well. He kept evading me and I didn't respond well. I was devastated; so was he. I think we just chose two different paths and it wasn't the right time. I couldn't go NC even though I probably should have. After a while, my contact with him trailed off.
Fast forward... I moved on with my life, got a new job and guess what? That job brought me on a trip to a ceramics factory in the exact same general area of Italy where we both lived and where (to my then knowledge) he still lived. Coincidence? A sign? I don't know. I still pined for Italy and longed to move back the whole time, though. I feel like I don't belong in NY and was free in Italy. I just 'belonged' there.
November 2011- I went on a work trip to our town and saw him among other friends. We spent two fantastic weeks together (I took my two weeks' leave after the work trip. My boss was EXTREMELY generous with me). He told me that he could see us getting back together in the future. He told me he didn't stop loving me. I was ecstatic. It was kind of what I had hoped for. We immediately made plans to see each other again.
December 2011- I quit the job because my supervisor sexually harasses me in the workplace. I begin to concentrate on my online business which I have done freelance this whole time and start to earn serious money from it; enough to provide me a very adequate living while working from home. This makes me wonder, 'why shouldn't I move back to Italy and give it a shot now that work and my family life is stabilized?' I begin to research graduate school programs and find one that is fantastic for me. The ex and I had been maintaining regular correspondence.
January 2012- He invites me back to his town over Spring Break and tells me to stay with him for two weeks. I'm happy! I buy a ticket and plan on finding another apartment, enrolling in grad school for the upcoming year and networking with other people in the area for my business. I am serious about the move and quite satisfied. Things look up.
February 2012- He tells me he may have been giving me mixed signals and that it's better I don't stay with him. I tell him I understand, but I ask him why he told me he could have seen us getting back together? He says that at the time when he said it, he truly meant it but he is cautious over our history. He tells me that he will most likely change his mind and he'll let me stay with him.
April 2012- I have a ticket to go back to Italy. I want to go back very much and pick up where I left off. I felt like with my family members dying and my family begging me to come back, I cut my life off there before I wanted to. I would love nothing more than to move back, with him or without him there.
So, here is my question. Should I actually use my ticket and go back for a visit/apply to grad school/sign a contract for an apartment? Should I still try to speak to him? His mom and uncle still speak to me and they tell me he asks about me often. At the moment, I am going NC. I don't want mixed signals, but I know that in my heart, I never truly stopped loving him. He is not dating anyone else, nor has he dated anyone else since me (I know this for a fact). Or do you think he is playing with me and always has played with me?