Just read my username...

[Friendzoned]

Hey, this is my first post, but I've run out of ideas and need advice from someone, as I'm running out of people in real life to talk to about this problem. Also, it'd be great to get a viewpoint from someone away from the situation. So here it goes...

Backstory: I'm a college student at a well known university in the midwest. Last year I roomed with 3 people, and we all got along, for the most part. During that year, one of my roommates was dating a girl. She quickly became part of our friend circle, and one of my best friends. A few months down the line, they broke up, but it was far from a clean break up. A year later, it still feels as if the two are just breaking away from each other. That said, during that time I've been there for her whenever she needed help, and I honestly believe that I've been the most reliable person to her in the past year and a half than anyone around her. Unfortunately, I've also distanced myself from that one roommate. We are no longer friends (she was a factor in this, but far from the only reason). After she broke up with him, she met a guy 4 years older than her (She's 21 and in college, and he's 25 and graduated. As much as people deny it, I think age is definitely a factor). 10 months later, they're still hesitant to start a relationship together, and she hides the fact that she goes out with him, playing it off as if he's just a friend. They officially dated for about a week, but she broke it off because she said it didn't feel right. That was 3 months ago though, and they're still together as much as ever. In the meantime, she's been gradually talking less to the kid I was roommates with last year.

My story: I've loved her since day one. I slowly realized that there was no one else that I wanted to spend my time with, and eventually I became obsessed with her. It was unhealthy, and I would buy into my imagination and believe she loved me the same way too. Unfortunately, while she did love me, she loved me as a friend. I spent 10+ months chasing after her, with no desire for any other woman, and I am sitting here empty handed. While at times she would show attraction, it never lead to anything serious. It's almost as if there is a barrier separating us

My dilemma: Half of me truly believes she is the one. She is possibly my best friend, and I can talk to her about almost anything. We have almost the same personalities, and I really believe we both treasure each other's company. The other half is depressed thinking I'm wasting my time on a girl who will be nothing more than a friend, and I will miss out on someone who can show that she really cares about me.

After thinking it over, I've decided to cut myself loose from her for the near future, and focus on finding another girl that makes me happy. I've reached the point where I'm losing faith in anything happening, and pursuing it will only tear me apart as a person. I also believe that if she is truly the one for me, she will resurface in the future.

Now, my questions: I'm not trying to be rude in disconnecting myself from her, but at the same time I can't have it one way or another. It destroys me when I'm around her and realize I can't be with her. Is my idea to distance myself from her appropriate, or is it too harsh for two people who are supposed to be friends? Also, if a boy is very close to you as a friend, almost to the point of family, would you ever consider crossing the friendzone and being with him? And one more thing...this might sound demeaning, but I really believe there are laws to attraction, and I believe that wanting what you can't get is one of them. While I don't want to intentionally make her jealous, I see a lot of upsides to seeing other girls. Is it a good idea to look for other matches while still being emotionally conflicted with another girl? While I'm keeping an open mind, this girl will always be in the back of my head. Should I wait until I am over her, or would someone else be the best medicine?

Honestly, writing this out helped me answer some of my own questions, but I'd like to hear about how you feel. Thank you for reading, and I appreciate any answers.

[THX]

Dude your screwed. If there was a recipe for cementing ones self into the friends zone this deserves a blue ribbon. Are you prepared for no you will not be with her? You need to get distance. Seeing her is just going to re-enforce your obsession. Your addicted to the feelings you have with her during the "good times" and as long as you keep going back for your fix recovery cannot begin.

Yes you should date other girls. Not to make her jealous but rather to legitimately take your mind off her and focus yourself in a productive direction instead of a dead end.

When/If you come to a point where you are over her and would like to re kindle the friendship that's fine. The distinction between then and now is that it is not something that is tearing you apart.

I can tell you are a romantic guy and that is both bad and good. after a girl really likes you being romantic is great. The girl loves that her presence is valued and cherished.

Romance BEFORE a girl really likes you is the kiss of death.

[searock]

if a boy is very close to you as a friend, almost to the point of family, would you ever consider crossing the friendzone and being with him?

Not if I see him as a brother (i.e. I love him very much but I'm not attracted to him and know that I never could be). But my best friend per se, sure. I'm actually in a happy relationship with a guy who was my best friend for over 2 years before it turned into a romantic relationship. And there was romance *before* the relationship began: it just naturally evolved from the friendship. I wouldn't have fallen for him if we hadn't been such amazing friends, with such a strong connection, in the first place. So there is no such thing as friendzone, there is just attraction or lack thereof.

Have you ever even told her about your feelings for her?? You should do so asap - then decide what to do according to her reaction.

If she rejects you, do everything you need to do to distance yourself from her and move on. She'll understand!

[Sarra]

You said, you don't want to make her jealous, how did you know that she would be jealous?
Do you find it fair from her part to date other guys and make you jealous?
If she has a bit of respect to your feelings she wouldn't date any other guy.

Move on, and look for that girl you are missing out on.

[searock]

Do you find it fair from her part to date other guys and make you jealous?
If she has a bit of respect to your feelings she wouldn't date any other guy.

I don't think she even knows that he has feelings for her. In any case, I'm quite sure she isn't dating other guys just to make him jealous!

[dem862]

So you have a wonderful friendship with this woman. But you want a romantic relationship with her. She is not open to that. Although you didn't say if she has actually turned you down, you seem to think it is not possible. Since you can't have the romantic relationship you want, you are going to throw away the friendship. This seems a bit drastic to me.

You do seem to have an addiction to this woman, and the best way to deal with an addiction is to quit cold turkey and go through withdrawl. But if you can possible seperate your romantic obsession from your ability to be a friend, you might be able to maintain a friendship with her, without feeding your addiction. This is not easy. You will have to give up on your romantic fantasies.

Also, you don't appear to be happy being single. I think that people who are comfortable being single have a much better chance of getting into a relationship. Otherwise, their desire to be in relationship can come off as desperation, or that they have nothing to offer in a relationship.

[Friendzoned]

-Have you ever even told her about your feelings for her?? You should do so asap - then decide what to do according to her reaction.

I did months ago. She said that she didn't feel the same way, but things have changed since then. A few times she has shown that she's attracted back, but nothing serious. I think me telling her gave her a different way to look at me, and that developed a little. That said, that was in the fall, and it's almost spring now. I've held out for a long time, but there hasn't been much progress lately. Also, quick note, in terms of her seeing me as family, I don't mean as a brother. I'm in a very close circle of friends. We all consider ourselves a family.

-You said, you don't want to make her jealous, how did you know that she would be jealous?

I was seeing a girl a month ago. It didn't work out, but the girl I'm infatuated with seemed jealous at times. She would go quiet when she was mentioned, and when she would ask about her it would be short questions with an annoyed undertone. I also gave my number to another girl at a party, and when she found out she got quiet. I believe she likes me, just no where near the level I like her, and really has no reason to be with me. She's already around me enough to see me as a friend, I already help her whenever I can, and there would be a lot of drama between her, me, and her original boyfriend.

-Since you can't have the romantic relationship you want, you are going to throw away the friendship.

I'm not going to throw away the friendship. As a friend, she's easily one of the best friends that I'll ever have in my life. But, I think there's a lot of upsides to distancing myself. She has no reason to be with me, and I believe that if she wants a relationship with me somewhere down the line, and this will give her an incentive to try to pursue it. Also, the problem with obsession is that no one else is good enough. I don't want to miss out on anyone because my head is too clouded, so I think I need to try to get over her. She'll still be there down the line.

[searock]

If you are in doubt as to whether she likes you back or not, just talk to her about it one more time and then decide what to do. If in all these months nothing has happened, I'm pretty sure that no matter what "signals" you seem to be getting, she *really* isn't interested. As I said, since she rejected you, you must distance yourself from her. She will definitely understand if she really is a good friend of yours. You can be close again - as friends - once you have gotten over the feelings you now have for her.