G/f pressuring me to get married

[sillybuttsam]

My g/f and I have been dating since November (and in a committed relationship since the start of December) and things were really great at the beginning but now I'm getting a tremendous amount of pressure from her to get married very soon and it's starting to make me think twice about our relationship and if I'm making the right decision. At the start of us dating I told her I wanted to wait a year before getting engaged (in my rational male mind, that gives us time to A) not have everyone in the world think that we're jumping into things too soon which could cause us both some possible drama among friends and family and B) go through all of the holidays to see how things shake out, how we communicate through situations, etc) and she said at the time it was cool.

Then around Christmas time she wanted me to get her a promise ring so I did because she said it would "keep other guys from hitting on her" (oh I'll get to that in a minute). After that she told me that her parents wouldn't let her and I move in together until we were engaged. Soon after that came a whole list of changes she wants me to make and we've been arguing almost every weekend it seems over the simplest and stupidest of things...

First off she knows I'm not in the best financial situation in the world, and wants me to pay $200 more a month for an apartment closer to her with a bigger kitchen. She wants me to get very expensive lumineres done on my teeth that's like at least $1000. She wants a $4500+ engagement ring (1 carat princess cut (solitaire not total weight) white gold diamond engagement ring... and it must be certified...). She knows I work as a programmer and it's what I enjoy doing it doesn't exactly pay the most in the world, maybe one day it will for me but today I'm just getting by. That's just the financial end... She's down on herself constantly about her weight (which to me is not a problem at all she's beautiful to me), but she gets on me constantly about food choices, eating slower, these are all good things don't get me wrong but she's not being patient with me either and also not taking into account at all my work life. Every time I see her now which is limited to just the weekends it's like she tries to point out faults with me as if there's some kind of reward for it.

To add insult to injury on top of it all... we go out and sing karaoke every Friday night and have been doing this pretty much since we started dating. This guy over there has been hitting on her since the beginning and she claims that she's been telling him I'm her b/f but she apparently "made it really clear" to him last weekend, and he said he thought I was just her gay friend, which bears the question if she's being completely honest with me. Not to mention, we're rarely intimate as is not like the first couple of months we were together.

All of this is starting to make me think that it's not me she really loves despite what she says, that she only loves the idea of me and that I'm a decent guy with the same religious background as her and what I'd be able to provide in a perfect world setting. It seems to me she's more interested in getting married and having kids than actually being with me. She continually goes on about this pressure for us to be more committed and it's only been a few months, and also pressure that she's 34 and that her "biological clock is ticking". She told me last night if I loved her I would have already bought the ring and that's not true at all. From my perspective it's because I love her that I'm trying to ensure we're sound financially, and while a nice ring is nice to have that's only a superficial thing.

Should I be running for the hills screaming or should I be working this out? Any time I try to talk to her about it she gets angry and throws it all back on me as in the comment I made above about if I loved her I'd already have bought the ring. I just want her to chill out and take a step back and realize that I do love her and I'm not going anywhere, but the more she's pressuring me the more my paranoia is coming out and it's driving me away. After all, before this I've been through 3 relationships where I was cheated on all within a few months of each other (and to some degree on account of money issues I was going through a career change at the time) and I'm trying to be patient but this is not helping. I understand she's also been cheated on before too by a guy she was engaged to before and they broke it off, but that's not my fault.

[Boisdevie]

She is trying to bully you into something you don't want. And she also seems pretty money orientated. I would run a mile in the other direction. This has disaster written all over it.

[sadie_genie]

As a female, I totally understand where she is coming from. She is in deep trouble if she is already 34 and doesn't already have kids. For her, it is now or never to start a family. The risk of giving birth starts at 30. How old are you? Are you over 30? If you are, you should be ready to start a family by now. Your financial situation is not good right now but what about hers? If you two sit down together and discuss this maybe something can be worked out.

[Saya]

In a way she is controlling you...

[sillybuttsam]

As a female, I totally understand where she is coming from. She is in deep trouble if she is already 34 and doesn't already have kids. For her, it is now or never to start a family. The risk of giving birth starts at 30. How old are you? Are you over 30? If you are, you should be ready to start a family by now. Your financial situation is not good right now but what about hers? If you two sit down together and discuss this maybe something can be worked out.

Sure I can understand the female perspective on this. She's 34 and I'm 32.

To give you a little background I made a career change a couple of years ago from doing computer programming in the banking industry to working in the advertising industry after the bank I working was at crashed. I had to go through a long period of unemployment, restructuring my life, debts that I took on, you get the idea.

It's a very welcome change I enjoy what I'm doing today but I'm making about $13k less per year than I was making a couple of years ago and I've had to make some cutbacks. She's not in the greatest financial situation either she's working part time at a retailer for about $10/hr and they're always pushing her to work more hours. She lives with her mom right now and is taking care of her, her mom has Alzheimers and all the hell that comes with it.

To respond to your earlier statement about being ready to settle down and start down a family, absolutely. Do I want to take the time though to find out how we resolve conflicts? Yes, because it's not going as well right now. Do I want to take the time to reestablish myself a bit financially because a loving person would do that for their partner before they jump into a whole pile of debt? Yes. Do I think an extra 9 months before we get engaged is going to completely kill her chances for having kids? No. Do I completely understand the fears and stress she's going through? Yes. To me this is not just about myself it's about giving her the opportunity to find out if marriage is something that she really and truly wants with me and not just to be married and have kids just to say you did. Those are the wrong reasons to get married to anyone, and that's the pressure I'm feeling right now, especially when she's finding faults in me every weekend like there's some kind of reward for it. That doesn't fly well with me, actions speak louder than words, you can tell someone you love them all you want but if actions are speaking differently then I have to question the intentions.

The thing is here that the whole "we can't move in together until we're engaged" idea is being pushed on her parents and she's taking the bait on that one, combined with her own insecurities that if I don't give her a ring now then I won't be around later like a previous ex of hers did. The cost of the ring though is being driven by her and the thing is she KNOWS what I make, where my credit is, etc I've had no problems disclosing a majority of that information. That's where I don't think she's being realistic here on all levels.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Stop being such a dipshit. You are about to totally **** your whole life up. Get out now!! It is only going to be harder if you actually do go through with any of this nonsense that she wants. At no point did you say you wanted to marry her, or even that you love her. Tell her that she's being too pushy and you don't feel that she really loves you, she just wants someone to have kids with.

She wants to move in and get married after 5 months!?! 5 months?!?!?!? That is insane. Batshit, insane.

[sillybuttsam]

Stop being such a dipshit. You are about to totally **** your whole life up. Get out now!! It is only going to be harder if you actually do go through with any of this nonsense that she wants. At no point did you say you wanted to marry her, or even that you love her. Tell her that she's being too pushy and you don't feel that she really loves you, she just wants someone to have kids with.

She wants to move in and get married after 5 months!?! 5 months?!?!?!? That is insane. Batshit, insane.

Let me explain a couple of things first. Yes I saw myself wanting to marry her before she became obsessed after I bought the promise ring, right now though I'm majorly second-guessing myself because it seems like since I'm not as domesticated as she wants me to be or that because I'm not Mr. Perfect then I'm not living up to her expectation, and I understand that part of those fears come from the fact that yes I do work as a programmer in a stressful job and yes I do eat out quite a bit because I'm on the go and I'm not the best cook in the world. Marriage wouldn't happen until October but she wants to be engaged and living together now.

To your point though, yeah... exactly... she wants me to accept all of her faults up front but wants me to be Mr. Perfect, that is truly bats*** insane my friend hence why I would be so driven as to post here to get some feedback from impartial people before I jump into something I may regret the rest of my life, or at least until half of my net worth is taken in a divorce for someone who just wants to get married and have kids.

You can't just love me because you find me physically attractive or that I have a good heart or that we share the same religious background, there is a whole lot more to a lasting marriage than that, the most important thing I've learned from listening to people who are in successful marriages being communication, which we're struggling at. She gets SUPREMELY pissed off if I'm working on the computer making the things like my artwork or composing music (these are 2 big things with me that are a big part of who I am and the creative passions I enjoy sharing with others) that she enjoys the end result of but doesn't appreciate the time it takes me to make those things, that's also a really bad sign I haven't shared here, even though I've been pretty honest and straightforward up front about that kind of stuff.

[Wakeup]

Sure I can understand the female perspective on this. She's 34 and I'm 32.

To give you a little background I made a career change a couple of years ago from doing computer programming in the banking industry to working in the advertising industry after the bank I working was at crashed. I had to go through a long period of unemployment, restructuring my life, debts that I took on, you get the idea.

It's a very welcome change I enjoy what I'm doing today but I'm making about $13k less per year than I was making a couple of years ago and I've had to make some cutbacks. She's not in the greatest financial situation either she's working part time at a retailer for about $10/hr and they're always pushing her to work more hours. She lives with her mom right now and is taking care of her, her mom has Alzheimers and all the hell that comes with it.

To respond to your earlier statement about being ready to settle down and start down a family, absolutely. Do I want to take the time though to find out how we resolve conflicts? Yes, because it's not going as well right now. Do I want to take the time to reestablish myself a bit financially because a loving person would do that for their partner before they jump into a whole pile of debt? Yes. Do I think an extra 9 months before we get engaged is going to completely kill her chances for having kids? No. Do I completely understand the fears and stress she's going through? Yes. To me this is not just about myself it's about giving her the opportunity to find out if marriage is something that she really and truly wants with me and not just to be married and have kids just to say you did. Those are the wrong reasons to get married to anyone, and that's the pressure I'm feeling right now, especially when she's finding faults in me every weekend like there's some kind of reward for it. That doesn't fly well with me, actions speak louder than words, you can tell someone you love them all you want but if actions are speaking differently then I have to question the intentions.

The thing is here that the whole "we can't move in together until we're engaged" idea is being pushed on her parents and she's taking the bait on that one, combined with her own insecurities that if I don't give her a ring now then I won't be around later like a previous ex of hers did. The cost of the ring though is being driven by her and the thing is she KNOWS what I make, where my credit is, etc I've had no problems disclosing that information. That's where I don't think she's being realistic here on all levels.

Thank goodness you have a head on your shoulders and you're not going to let someone you've only known for 4 months pressure you into doing anything foolish.

Does she expect you to support her while she just works for manicure money too? You don't even know who this girl is yet. I wouldn't even advise you move in with her until you've dated her for at least a year. You're just discovering who she is for goodness sakes. The red flags are just starting to be raised.

[sillybuttsam]

Thank goodness you have a head on your shoulders and you're not going to let someone you've only known for 4 months pressure you into doing anything foolish.

Does she expect you to support her while she just works for manicure money too? You don't even know who this girl is yet. I wouldn't even advise you move in with her until you've dated her for at least a year. You're just discovering who she is for goodness sakes. The red flags are just starting to be raised.

Yes but actually there's a component of that which I'm ok with and I'll explain why. I enjoy doing programming for a job and eventually when I pay my dues for a while doing ASP.NET development after a couple of years it'll pay a lot more so I know my finances will eventually work out, yes it is a stressful job but I do enjoy it it's my passion. I would not mind at all being the sole provider if she's willing to keep up with the house work and cooking which she's told me she would be so I'm cool with that, plus, assuming I do get married and have children I want someone who will be there and not put the kids in daycare or with a nanny. However, she's already riding my ass on the weekends about dishes/trash/laundry and then gets angry at me, then gets mad at my reaction over her anger (which is usually in the form of pointing out the errors in her reasons for being angry or trying to explain myself which she says I'm just "deflecting" then proceeds to ignore anything I have to say), doesn't want to be intimate, you get the idea. She's not holding up her end and taking it out on me already.

[Wakeup]

Yes but actually there's a component of that which I'm ok with and I'll explain why. I enjoy doing programming for a job and eventually when I pay my dues for a while doing ASP.NET development after a couple of years it'll pay a lot more so I know my finances will eventually work out, yes it is a stressful job but I do enjoy it it's my passion. I would not mind at all being the sole provider if she's willing to keep up with the house work and cooking which she's told me she would be so I'm cool with that, plus, assuming I do get married and have children I want someone who will be there and not put the kids in daycare or with a nanny. However, she's already riding my ass on the weekends about dishes/trash/laundry and then gets angry at me, then gets mad at my reaction over her anger, doesn't want to be intimate, you get the idea. She's not holding up her end and taking it out on me already.

However, she's already riding my ass on the weekends about dishes/trash/laundry and then gets angry at me, then gets mad at my reaction over her anger, doesn't want to be intimate, you get the idea. She's not holding up her end and taking it out on me already.

... and another red flag. I think if you wait at least a year and don't move in with her until at least then, not only will you not move in with her, you'll not even want to be with her at all.

You just stick around right now because you're still in the honeymoon period which has begun to wear thin.

[sillybuttsam]

... and another red flag. I think if you wait at least a year and don't move in with her until at least then, not only will you not move in with her, you'll not even want to be with her at all.

You just stick around right now because you're still in the honeymoon period which has begun to wear thin.

That could very well be the truth. She's displayed a lot of anger and selfishness over the last couple of months and it gets progressively worse every time I see her to the point it's stressing me out to no end, and it's bringing out my own paranoia and stress. A relationship is a partnership my parents haven't stayed together 40 years by not making compromises and I'm making all these changes for her and she's not being truly understanding, accepting, or patient with me. A ring isn't going to solve this problem.

[VincenzoG91]

As a female, I totally understand where she is coming from. She is in deep trouble if she is already 34 and doesn't already have kids. For her, it is now or never to start a family. The risk of giving birth starts at 30. How old are you? Are you over 30? If you are, you should be ready to start a family by now. Your financial situation is not good right now but what about hers? If you two sit down together and discuss this maybe something can be worked out.

They started dating four months ago. Nobody sane wants to start a family that quickly, not even a 34 year-old woman.

[VincenzoG91]

Sam, you seem like a sensible guy that has stumbled into a crazy situation. You know that marriage and kids are a big deal, and you know that she is rushing the situation. Trust your instincts and back away from this mess. She also sounds irresponsible with money, so that's going to put a constant strain on the relationship, whether you give in or not, no matter how much money you end up earning down the road. I realize that you're not going to like this suggestion, but I think that you should encourage that Karaoke guy's advances and let him make the big mistakes. Meanwhile, you escape and someday meet a nice, normal woman that shares your common sense and values.

[sillybuttsam]

Sam, you seem like a sensible guy that has stumbled into a crazy situation. You know that marriage and kids are a big deal, and you know that she is rushing the situation. Trust your instincts and back away from this mess. She also sounds irresponsible with money, so that's going to put a constant strain on the relationship, whether you give in or not, no matter how much money you end up earning down the road. I realize that you're not going to like this suggestion, but I think that you should encourage that Karaoke guy's advances and let him make the big mistakes. Meanwhile, you escape and someday meet a nice, normal woman that shares your common sense and values.

That of course makes logical sense, but you know and I know that the realm of relationships are full of greys and subleties. I talked with her tonight and she told me that if I don't get approved for the loan that's ok.

I'd hope at least if nothing else for anyone reading this thread that:
1) You respect that I'm not some ranting teenager coming to vent.
2) That you'll at least now pick up that between this relationship and the one before it I've been through about 30 first dates some have only lasted a week a small few longer than that. Sometimes because I'm a paranoid asshole because I'm smart to womens' games and sometimes just b/c we didn't connect.
3) Obviously I have some strong feelings towards her or I wouldn't post at all and waste anyone's time including my valuable time.
4) Well, frankly I'm looking for a rational reason to stay rather than just leave and I guess since I've refuted the typical female argument already then I'm at a loss here because my emotions tell me I love this woman despite what a selfish hypocritical ass she's being.
5) ???
6) You get the idea.

[surfhb]

I love this woman despite what a selfish hypocritical ass she's being.

These are your words This will not change and will get worse as time goes on. this girl is basically a selfish hypocritical ass....thats just the way it is and will never change.

You really dont sound as if you are that experienced in relationships. 30 first dates? Forgive me if Im wrong. Good relationships take practice and/or luck finding the right person. 4-5 months is nowhere near the time it takes to understand a relationship.