I am Lost ... please help ...

[deadwalking]

HI...

I need help. I am in a dilemma ... and going crazy ...

I met my girlfriend (from Estonia) online about 2 years ago. We talked almost 2-3 days every week and i started liking her. After a year i told her how i felt and i wanted to meet her. She told me she liked me as well but she was not sure about meeting. it went on like that for a couple of months more and then she said ok we can meet in summer when she was going to Paris for a summer job and i said ok it sounds fine. I started applying for visa and stuff started getting my documents ready and she knew i was planning to come there and it was only for her.

She went to Paris in July and i was going there in August. We were talking regularly in msn during that time, she even sent me postcard from Paris and i felt like she was really into me at that time and we were going somewhere but Just two days before i was about to fly to Paris she told me she has met someone and she is falling in love. I understood that, because everybody has their own life and i cancelled my plans, pulled out of what was going on and to be honest started trying to forget about her.

But then after a week or so she told me it was going to be over with him and she felt sorry for what she has done and she wanted to make up for that and she wanted to come over to UK to visit me. At that point I thought she went out with someone for a couple of weeks, it didn’t work, nothing (SEXUAL) had happened and it’s over now. So i said ok let’s meet up in London we met... we liked each other and we fell for each other, its been 6 months now that we are together. just a week ago we were talking on the phone and i started asking some questions about her time in Paris and it came to my attention that she had actually slept with that guy for about a month when she was in Paris and also during all that time she was talking to me and i had no idea what was going on. And when actually she told she was falling for someone else, back then, she had actually ended it already and then she told me but didn’t know what else to say to me hence kept the, being with him for a month sexually.

And now i can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking that she was or was not being honest with me from the start? shouldn't have she told me she had a physical relation from the start? Why would she go sleep with someone who she just met a week ago, knowing that i was coming to see her, who she had talked to for over a year!!
Am i thinking too much? I really love her but for the past week or so i am just fighting with myself to stop thinking and i am losing my mind.

Please can anybody help me out to find some clarity?

[miffy]

Well first off, you were not in a relationship at the time she was having that experience. It's her fault for not telling you of course, but after over a year of build-up she was probably just really scared you'd be incredibly hurt. Not the right way of going about it, but hey, who's perfect. Secondly, what does the sex matter? You know she was "falling" for someone at the time in any case, sex or no sex. You were getting your heart broken at the time anyway, so I don't see how her being physically intimate with the guy changes anything. I would say that she just didn't know how to tell you at the time, and finally worked up the courage to say it - you can be glad about that or not. Talking about past relationships is often a strain, especially on new love. You'd probably have been better off if she never told you.

Am I right in suspecting that this is only bothering you because you feel he got something you haven't yet? Because if you haven't, she is in fact playing you. If you have, get over yourself. It's not OK that she didn't tell you earlier back then, but you were not in a relationship and it was a tall order to come clean in that situation after all that build-up. At least she did come clean in the end now, and you can try to move on with her if you so wish.

[deadwalking]

I would say that she just didn't know how to tell you at the time, and finally worked up the courage to say it - you can be glad about that or not. Talking about past relationships is often a strain, especially on new love.

At least she did come clean in the end now

Thanks miffy ...
i reached the same conclusion that, we were not in a relationship and at least she is being totally honest with me now, i guess i needed some alone time to think through and maybe someone to tell me "there is nothing to worry about".

Am I right in suspecting that this is only bothering you because you feel he got something you haven't yet? Because if you haven't, she is in fact playing you. If you have, get over yourself.

And you are totally wrong, i got that quite a while ago and have been regularly since then. In fact her own words after first night ... "you are the best I ever had" so that's not the problem.
I just feel like i have been kept in dark and what bothers me the most is I think she cheated on that guy with me ? because when she was with him WE were still talking and she knew i was really interested in her and also she has been giving quite strong signals, that she was too. and i cant stop thinking about the possibility that one day i could be that guy.

Also the second thing, she is not the kind of girl who would sleep with someone after a couple of days... she is a girl who knows how to say "NO" atleast thats what i thought (and still think) and she had only one sexual encounter before that and that was when she was completely drunk at 20 (22 now). So why would she, all of a sudden, starts saying yes to some random guy, who she only met for a couple of days. its just not like her or maybe i did not know her well enough from the start?

[miffy]

C'est Paris, as they say. It was a special situation, she was out of natural "habitat" so to speak, and probably emotionally excited as well over being there, possibly meeting you, etc...Just because she "normally" doesn't do it doesn't mean she never has.