Online Dating Only For Pathetic People?

[vertical_sky]

Hey everyone. Looks like I'll be jumping back into the Single scene again.

I've never had much luck meeting guys in real life. I'm a homebody by habit, and when I do venture out to volunteer or to clubs, the only people I meet are either: young women, or guys in relationships. I've volunteered at museums, I joined a book club and a swing dance club, and there are just literally no single guys. (I also live in a big city, so that's extra confusing.)

I read recently on a forum that if you have to resort to online dating to meet people, then you are probably too pathetic for a relationship, give up on love, and put your energy elsewhere. I've tried both OKCupid and Match and had awful experiences with both... the only guys who messaged me were severely outside my age range and just looking for hook-ups. Is it true that online dating is only a place for pathetic people, or NSA sex?

If I can't meet guys in real life or online, should I just give up?

[Mathias]

I read recently on a forum that if you have to resort to online dating to meet people, then you are probably too pathetic for a relationship, give up on love, and put your energy elsewhere.

You're either making that up to mask your own insecurities, or you were being trolled.

[dj454]

I did the online dating thing and I met some wonderful ladies. You have to be cautious but I have been with my current gf for 2.5 years and we met online. I remember the first time we went out we drove seperatly and and met at the resteraunt. She texted my tag number to her sister who is married to a cop and had him check me out. I had a good laugh when she told me later but it pays to be careful. I don't see anything wrong with online dating. I would never meet anyone if I didn't. I don't do the bars or clubs so my options were slin. Try it and see I know a lot of people who have met online. Just instant message for awhilevthen work up to the phone calls and you never know. Some ladies I ended not dating but made some good friends in the process. Online dating may not be for everybody but I tend to be shy and it helped me break out of my shell.

[VincenzoG91]

Online dating is a respectable way to meet people these days, compared to some of the cheesy alternatives, especially talking to drunk people in a dimly-lit bar. Some online dating sites offer questionnaires to identify basis for compatibility. And if you first meet online, you can get to know each other a bit before deciding if you want to actually go on a date. Just don't waste time on hopeless long-distance situations.

[HeartIsAching]

I've done the online dating thing, and I've worked for a dating website. The thing I've observed is that if you're a woman in your 20's you'll have to wade through a lot of chaff to get to the wheat. If you're in your 30's it's not so bad, but if you're in your 40's it's suddenly reversed. A woman in her 20's on an online dating site will have all the luck she's willing to dig for. A man in his 40's will too.

Of course, this is assuming your looking in your own age range.

And it should be noted that I have no empirical evidence of this - it's just what seemed to be the case to me.

But no, I don't think it's pathetic, I think it's wise to use a tool to your advantage.

[vertical_sky]

I've done the online dating thing, and I've worked for a dating website. The thing I've observed is that if you're a woman in your 20's you'll have to wade through a lot of chaff to get to the wheat. If you're in your 30's it's not so bad, but if you're in your 40's it's suddenly reversed. A woman in her 20's on an online dating site will have all the luck she's willing to dig for. A man in his 40's will too.

Of course, this is assuming your looking in your own age range.

And it should be noted that I have no empirical evidence of this - it's just what seemed to be the case to me.

But no, I don't think it's pathetic, I think it's wise to use a tool to your advantage.

Hmm, I've done quite a bit of digging and never gotten any responses... and guys don't usually message me. Guess I'm just not the average woman in her 20's. I've read that guys base their responses almost entirely on pictures, and I am... well, not super attractive. Which makes me wonder if OLD just enhances the problems I have in real life dating.

[vashti]

if you're in your 40's it's suddenly reversed.

Could you clarify what you mean here?

Vertical_sky - maybe your profile needs a little work? Young girls like you have the beauty of youth on their side, so unless you are flat-out UNattractive, I doubt it's a problem with your looks, though perhaps you didn't select a good photo for your profile. If you would like honest critique, you can PM me, and I can help you.

The other thing I wanted to say is that although you sound like you have a nice, full schedule, it might be a good idea to try out some meetup.com groups in your area.

[IndiReloaded]

What's wrong with online dating? If I were single, and looking, I'd probably try it. Seems way better than a bar, as Vince said.

[HeartIsAching]

Could you clarify what you mean here?

Vertical_sky - maybe your profile needs a little work? Young girls like you have the beauty of youth on their side, so unless you are flat-out UNattractive, I doubt it's a problem with your looks, though perhaps you didn't select a good photo for your profile. If you would like honest critique, you can PM me, and I can help you.

The other thing I wanted to say is that although you sound like you have a nice, full schedule, it might be a good idea to try out some meetup.com groups in your area.

I mean that if you're a single guy in his 40's, the online dating sites are all of a sudden happy hunting grounds. Lots of freshly-divorced women in your age range to pick from.

Again, I have no empirical evidence, just what I observed.

[oneandonly]

I remember a while back seeing your photo on here - correct me if I'm wrong.

Attractiveness is, of course, subjective but I thought that even to me, a girl, you looked cute! I doubt it's your looks.

As suggested, try meetup.com. Take pressure off yourself that you've got to meet someone as such. I don't think there is anything wrong with enjoying life on your own and there are a plenty of things to enjoy and appreciate! You are young. Enjoy meeting people with a similar interest and share these activities together. Meetup is a good place for that with zero pressure on you or on others.

No, I don't think online dating is for pathetic people.

[Amber2011]

For people of all ages who don't like nightclubs or pubs, online dating can be the answer. Good friends of mine met on a dating site and have been together for about four years. They are planning their wedding for later this year as my friend is having a major operation on her back so online dating works. "Is it true that online dating is only a place for pathetic people, or NSA sex?" is a silly question. In all walks of life you will get pathetic people or NSA sex. You will find them in nightclubs, pubs and anywhere else just as you will in online dating sites. There are countless decent, genuine people on dating sites. Seems to me you haven't met the right person yet so don't get disheartened.

[bcgirl]

if you are a girl, you will get TONS of fan mail from guys. It's 10 times worse for guys on dating sites

[alwaystryin]

Wow, it's been a minute since I've been on here, and since I don't believe in coincidence I'm glad this is a topic of discussion, as it has also been a recent one in my own life. I'd love to hear what other people have to say about what I'm about to write here. I have a very close friend who has been trying online dating, I guess for about 2 years or so now. We're the same age, 35, and it is my opinion that online dating is the last thing she should be doing to meet people. However, I should note that when it comes to being social we are total opposites. I will talk to just about ANYONE. I'm very outgoing, and am hardly phased by the fact that some people may just not be feeling me, not like me, or whatever. Statistically, what are the odds that everyone would or could? IT'S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE. So in my mind, I feel like I have nothing to lose by being outgoing, to the point where I don't even think about it, and take people and their reactions as they come as it makes life more interesting or at the least it makes for some good funny stories or cool friends made after the fact. Anyway, my friend whom I love, is as I said, quite the opposite. She says she is shy, but after talking about it has admitted that she is afraid of rejection, (I completely disagreed with her shy theory because after all this time knowing her I KNOW she is not shy, she's actually quite outgoing and talkative but only when she is in the company of anyone else but a man. When I pointed this out referring to some prior experiences, she totally agreed). The last time we went out it turned into a disaster and actually led to our first fight ever after 10 years of friendship (which I guess was bound to happen at some point.. we had a good run lol). The fight however is hardly relevant to this issue so I digress. Aside from her fear of being rejected, she is also overweight (and not just a little, but not morbidly or anything to that degree). So these two things combined pretty much render her a complete wallflower when she is out and dependent on her own devices. I, on the other hand, am really a hell of a looker, tall, slender, and all that good stuff that people first notice on the outside. I am not by any means bragging, but I'd be an ass to say otherwise because it is true (but really, all in the genes baby, thanks mom & dad). I'm also the type of person that has no problem going out solo, and after our fight (and a prior experience with a former "friend" who got pissed that some stranger she liked at a bar hit on me..), will probably just keep it that way in the future. At least when it comes to people with big enough personal hangups - I've since made friends with more compatible people.. sorry, off topic, again I digress.

Okay, this is long, I know - but I do have a point so please bear with me. I've been really housebound for the past couple of years due to a new baby and being a single mom of 2. I LOVE going out way more than ever because I've hardly done so for a while. SO, when my friend came over with a kick ass pair of boots in her hands one night, dressed up, and declared "I want to go out!", she got no argument from me. I said "Amen, let's go!!" and we were off. (Had a little extra funding - which is usually not the case - to pay my neighbor to watch the house, kids already out like lights). So here she is feeling confident, wanting to go out, have a few drinks, have a good time in the city - and here I am, missing the nightlife, stir crazy and always ready to go. PLUS she never wants to go out so I'm seriously supportive of her gusto here, as she'd never go it alone if she'd go at all. Okay, shortening this long story now. I brought her to a great bar where a very close friend of mine works - which helps the comfort level (or so I thought), great place, live music, lots of people (not tons of people like some big trendy club, but a well respected place that always has a good turnout of people our age and older, a more mature crowd), not trendy as far as fashion or fads, really a place of good substance. I've met quite a few interesting people there. And as a side note (since I haven't made enough of those), being as housebound as I've been for as long as I've been, I'm not out looking for ass, I just really love talking to people that much more as I've felt very disconnected from the rest of the world, so good and interesting conversation is where it's at for me. Point being, I thought it was a great low key non-pressure situation, and have previously ended many a night there just yapping away with people of all kinds from many places.

Well, we got there, grabbed a drink, went out for a smoke together and went back in. I'm up to my usual self, coat off, getting comfortable, diggin' the live music, in & out smoking outside & yapping, whatever. My friend however, found herself a nice spot against the wall, never took her coat off and actually played with her phone while live music and live people went on all around her. She didn't ask for another drink from my friend the bartender (who refused to take money as usual) because I wasn't standing next to her to order it, and hardly made an attempt to even acknowledge anything outside of the phone she was looking down at. She was miserable. She wanted to meet people and have a good time, but in the end said she didn't have a good time because she said she's not [like] me. Now, the place is small. Quite small actually so that there wasn't even any physical way that I was not in sight when she looked up. She never motioned for me to come over, to yap, for a drink, or anything else. I know she would like to have been more social with people which is why I gave her room to do so. Yet, she never left that back wall. She made it very clear in the end, that she did not have a good time and wanted to go home way before we actually did. Mind you, she didn't even take her phone out of her face long enough to pay attention to the band for one entire song, or to enjoy HERSELF let alone the music, forget about paying attention to another human being inside or outside of the place. Had someone even wanted to call her attention they would not have been able to make eye contact.

On the other side of this, this is a girl who says she can have fun in a paper bag. She cracked me up when she said that quite a while ago and I never forgot it. Why? Because she's an awesome person. She IS fun, well educated, beautiful physically even though she may not think so because of her weight, out-dresses me on any given day, good job, owns a car, own apartment, no kids or obligations outside of herself. Loves history, great personality, lots of goals, on and on. I can't say enough about her. Great. So on to the online dating - and here's my point (yay!). After 2 years, she hasn't had any more luck online than in real life. It is my opinion - and here is where I'd love your opinions - that it is for the same reasons!! My point is, it's because of her. I'm not big on the idea of online dating for a couple of main reasons. The first being that it's so easy to hide so many things. Time doesn't stop, and the amount of time she has spent being polite and going from messaging to chatting to phone calls to meeting (if it gets that far, which it rarely does), and realizing at any one of those stages that whoever she's talking to is not someone she wants to be talking to is such a waste. Turns out the guy is usually hiding something as much as she is and she always winds up disappointed. The second reason is that the majority of guys she has spent time talking to are only interested in getting laid. The latest has 4 kids from 4 different women with 4 child support cases and no interest in a committed relationship which is exactly what she is looking for.

I know I wrote a book here, but I really wanted to give the scenario because despite how much she WANTS it, she's not really doing anything proactive as far as making it happen. The OP may go to all kinds of places, and no doubt, showing up is half the battle. But what happens once you get there? One of the main things that caught my attention is that I myself am a homebody and always have been. I'm never bored and have no problem being home, I've got plenty of hobbies and things to do to no end. My friend actually does more and goes to more places than I do as far as activities. I was an ugly duckling when I was younger, not attractive according to anyone else's standards, one friend if I was lucky and hardly did any boy ever take notice of me while my friends were busy dating all the time.. but as I said in the beginning, once I thought about it I really felt I had nothing to lose by putting myself out there. Between the statistical odds of being rejected by everyone (which also isn't possible), I know damn well that my own eyes have seen enough unattractive people (physically and personality wise) have no problem at all attracting or engaging a man or just being social and having fun. So I sucked it up and basically pretended until I didn't get rejected enough times to see that remaining inactive will do nothing but enable me to watch time and life go by. I don't care that she's overweight, it is my honest opinion that she doesn't meet guys because she's her own worst enemy. You've got to put yourself out there. I'm sure you have interesting things to say, I'm sure there's some guy who is also a homebody that happened to step outside of his home the same day you did, I'm sure you probably wouldn't be rejected as easily and horribly as you fear in your mind. When a guy on a site asks her about herself she literally sends this whole blurb that's like reading the specs of a new stereo, and it isn't any more interesting than what the average person would say if they HAD to describe themselves in words (and personally how original could you make that even if you WERE a rocket scientist) and I'm pretty sure most people hate to try to describe themselves in a blurb, kind of limiting, isn't it? People are so much more than that, there's so many more nuances. She seems to think that someone is going to read that typical "I like movies and going out to eat..." stuff and say "Bingo!! That's the one!" Really? How often could that happen and lead to a relationship? I'd say the minority of the time - and correct me if I'm wrong there. Also, since when are bars and nightclubs the only places to meet people? What about the park? The bookstore? Anywhere at all? Heck, I'd even think you'd have more luck in an online forum where the people there have common interests or passions, something of more substance where you can appreciate a person's point of view at least. That seems more comparable to liking the nuances of someone when you meet them in person, their speech, their mannerisms, etc. I think that especially if you are young, you have much more to gain by being out in the real world, meeting people in the flesh and if you're not successful I would reflect on yourself and ask what you could be doing differently before you give up and resort to online dating. I'm not bashing it, and I'm not bashing the people who choose to go that route, I just feel that because of what I've witnessed, chances are you won't have that much more luck. Especially if you have some sort of road map where you're thinking.. "Well, I go out and nothing happens, but it's supposed to because I went out, therefore being out in the world is not for me.." That too doesn't seem possible. Sometimes your own expectations can get in the way. Also, I'm a firm believer that when you are out, if you concentrate more on having a good time and stimulating and enriching your own life, that fulfillment of yourself tends to radiate from you and THAT is what attracts people to you. Sort of like you won't find it if you're looking for it, so maybe you should be your focus more than "them". Actually, in thinking about it I don't know anyone that went out looking for a guy one night and "found" one. I think "too pathetic" is definitely too harsh, but I do think doing for yourself is a quality found attractive by others.

Holy cow. I should have prizes for anyone that managed to read this book. But I don't. Yet the topic hit close to home because I want my friend to be happy, and fear that she will never find what she is looking for as long as her state of mind on the matter remains what it is. When she's in a comfortable situation and being herself instead of preoccupied with looking pretty or just looking, it would be tough for anyone to not like my friend. I'm also venting here, because she is sensitive so I'm not able to relay all of my feelings at one time in such a way as to not hurt her. I've tried in certain ways at certain times because I've been where she is as far as having a hard time feeling comfortable around other people, and I also tend to be a bit blunt so it's not easy to put it right for her ears. Thanks for reading guys. xoxo

[vashti]

Oh my god. I just couldn't be bothered to read all that. Surely it could have been written more succinctly? Cliff notes version?

[alwaystryin]

Lol I can hardly blame you. It's part response, part venting and part opinion seeking all mixed in with my own 2 cents on the matter. I'm feeling that based on the wording of the OP, a shift in attitude may prove much more productive as far as meeting someone. If you can get through the second to last paragraph that'll help sum it up.