The story of my broken heart.

[Fru]

Smackie: thanks! I know it would help things, wearing makeup and all. I would probably even feel pretty, for once! : P I just have this sense of giving in to society if I do, because I really don't believe women should be expected to wear makeup in order to be viewed as attractive. I'm sure you know what I mean. It's just ... kind of ... I don't know ... unfair? I say that knowing that it's not really the right word, but I don't know how else to say it. I guess it's just the feminist in me! But at the same time I realize that women have been wearing makeup for thousands of years. Just think of Cleopatra! So really, it's not a new idea.

Anyway, I think I have issues with feeling attractive, anyway ... on the rare occasions I do wear makeup, I feel weird in it, and then if guys notice me more than usual, I get irritated because it seems like they're only interested because I am wearing makeup, and not because of who I am.

Yeah, doesn't make much sense, I know. I think my best bet is to just present myself as nicely as possible without the makeup. I'm not unattractive, I know that much! I've got long eyelashes and big eyes : P Another problem I have with makeup is the vast amounts of harmful chemicals contained therein. It's really scary if you read up on it all, and not good for the environment either (maybe I'm a bit of a hippie). So, if I could find a brand of makeup that contains no harmful substances, I think I'd be more likely to wear it, too.

One thing I will never do is wear heels all day. I despise them. : P They really hurt my legs and feet, my whole body actually. But luckily for me I'm already 5'9" so no one is going to notice if I never wear them!

I don't know how this reply transformed into a discussion about my beauty habits ... lol. Sorry!! But I guess it's all connected in a way, to who you are and how you present yourself ... and how others will perceive you in turn. I had very long hair last year; it was one of the first things that drew my ex to me, apparently. When he broke up with me I wanted to chop it all off, like as revenge or something, like I was saying "ha! Now I'm free and I can do whatever I want with my hair!"

I cut it, but not that short, luckily, because I had a sneaking suspicion that I had grown really fond of it myself ... and I was right, because I miss it now! I guess the lesson there is that "revenge" usually backfires, especially if you do it for the wrong reasons. I heard a quote not too long ago: "the best revenge is living well." I need to remember that!

Thanks for your reply also, kev! I'm glad I could reach someone with this story of mine ... it was mostly for myself, as I just wanted to get it out of me for my own sake, but to know that it's touched another emotionally is great and tells me that I'm not insane.

Getting dumped is like ... the worst. It's actually the worst thing. : P I know this. (Well, from my limited life experiences, it's the worst!) I'm sorry for all that have to go through it.

[smackie9]

If make up was so harmful women everywhere would be in a lot of trouble. Cosmetics have come a long way. Maybe 60 years ago when they were using whale blubber and lead that it was harmful, but synthetics are safe. Remember that ball of light in the sky called the sun is what will give you skin cancer, not Loreal smooth whip foundation lol.

Anyways, makeup is not a mask like you perceive it to be. It's to enhance what you already have.

You use all those excuses to hide behind the real reason....you have a lot of anxiety about attracting men and you worry that if you wear sexy cloths and make up that they will be attracted to what you wear and won't like you for who you are. You are very insecure about yourself......that doesn't have anything to do with saving the environment now does it? Anxiety stops you from enjoying the normal things in life. With you it's intimate relationships with men. So ask yourself.....by avoiding doing these things about your appearance....how is it working for you so far? You are 25, and only had one experience...not to mention your friend there who has none.

[Fru]

Well, I did do a project for the David Suzuki Foundation that centred on cosmetic ingredients, and some of them have actually been proven to be harmful to health. Yeah, maybe the main reason for me not wearing makeup is the anxiety ... but even if or when I get over that, I would still feel weird about putting it on m face every day knowing that the ingredients could be harming myself and the environment. However, there are some products out there that use more natural ingredients and less of the nasty chemicals, so I guess I could source those out if I really wanted to. You're right, it IS more about my own nervousness towards it, but the chemicals are still a factor.

I grew up in a female-dominated family, with a sister and lots of female relatives ... and I was a hermit throughout school, only spending time with my female friends, never hanging out with guys. I wonder if all that has something to do with my shyness/anxiety about relationships.

I guess I'm just afraid of losing myself by putting on a different appearance. That sounds stupid, yes. I know I would still be the same person, I would just look different, so it really shouldn't make a difference ...

Another thing is, I've always kind of turned up my nose at excessive makeup, with my close friends. And they all know I am sort of against it. So I worry that I would seem like a hypocrite, or be seen as "giving in" if I suddenly started wearing it. I know, this shouldn't influence my choices ... if they're my true friends I should be able to explain it to them and they should understand ... but, it still makes me a little reluctant, even assuming I did get over the "not-comfortable-in-my-own-skin" thing.

Blargh ... I denied being in need of psychological help in my earlier posts, maybe I shouldn't have done that so quickly : P

[smackie9]

Your GF's won't look at you as a hypocrite......that is just another one of your excuses to avoid wearing it. They will probably go "She's finally coming around". I can see them wanting to give you support, and not ridicule you for your decision. If they sat there and criticized you, what kind of friends are they then?

[smackie9]

Btw I'm a avid wearer of make up since I was 12 and have been diligent with wearing sunscreen since 21......I'm almost 48 and I look like I'm in my early to mid 30's, and have no health issues...it's not as harmful as they portray...I'm living proof.

[IndiReloaded]

I care about this stuff too. There are eco-friendly makeup brands. Here is a link. Just avoid stuff from China, especially. Also, I never wear foundation (clogs skin pores).

[url]http://www.bcliving.ca/style/top-picks-for-eco-friendly-cosmetics[/url]

[Fru]

Thanks Indi! That's helpful. I live in Vancouver, too. Hope to see those in Whole Foods! (I'll avoid "Gabriel Cosmetics" ... the name of my ex. lol.)

Well, everyone has their own opinions on this stuff of course, but if I have the choice I will prefer to find eco-friendly/natural makeup.

Anyway ... this is kind of a funny coincidence, but I actually went to a friend's Mary Kay party today. We got samples of some skin care and makeup products, and a few makeup tips too. I met a new friend there who is a previous grad of my university program. I knew of her through other friends/schoolmates but had never met her til today. Anyway, we have very similar interests, and neither of us had much makeup knowledge, so we had a good time trying things out. Almost all the girls there were single, and seemed to have an end goal of attracting a boyfriend ... they were all really nice!

When I came home, my roommate/best friend was home, and I showed her my makeover and explained I had gone to a Mary Kay party. She said, "oh, I just thought you felt like wearing makeup. Nothing wrong with that." It's like she was proving your point : P

Anyway, it's kinda funny that this all happened today. Perhaps it's well-timed. I only ordered one eye shadow, because I am actually very broke and Mary Kay is pretty expensive. And I'd like to look for more eco-friendly stuff anyway if I'm going to get some new cosmetics. (I know, it's even MORE expensive to be eco-friendly!... not sure what I'm going to do about that!)

Anyway, thanks for the continuous comments, it's always helpful to get an outside opinion!

[smackie9]

Try Burt's Bees tinted lip balm. I use a lot of their products for my skin care and they are as natural as you can get. I buy it at London Drugs, not too sure if Canadian Super Store carries it, or Walmart. Burt's Bees has lots of products, even shampoo and conditioners. [url]http://www.burtsbees.ca/natural-products/lips-lip-color/[/url]

[z-girl]

Fru,

You're obviously a strong and intelligent person. I'm really impressed with how you countered comments by searock, which would have made me really upset (comparing you to a teenager, calling you overly dramatic, implying there's something wrong with you because you don't like oral sex). But you stood up for yourself WITHOUT any spite towards searock. You are clearly an exceptional person!

My advice for you for next time: leave some space open for the guy to do some pursuing! DON'T organize to see him (let him do it!), DON'T call him on a whim (but call if you said you would - don't be unreliable). Men need to ALWAYS feel that slight feeling of uncertainty, that makes them feel if they don't actively pursue you, you will leave. Once they don't have to work to keep you, they lose interest.

I know in the first relationship this was impossible for me to do, and even in my second relationship I didn't manage it. But in the third one....yes! But that one ended for different reasons.

Anyway, best of luck to you! And you know, the man who ends up with you will be extremely lucky (and make sure he knows it too!).

z-girl

[Fru]

Yeah! I actually have a couple Burt's Bees lip balms, not tinted ones though. I didn't realize they had tinted ones. Thanks, I'll have to look into that. The brand in general is not too expensive, for a natural product, so that's a good idea!

Thank you for the kind comments Z-girl! ... they made me very happy : )

And the advice is good too. Yes, I was waaayy too desperate in general. I even had a sort of feeling that I was too attached ... I remember one time I conducted an experiment, just for my own curiosity: I always used to text my ex to say goodnight before I went to sleep, every night. But near the end, I was feeling like he really wasn't putting the effort in, so I decided to NOT text and see if he would text me instead. Guess what? He didn't. I was quite upset that he didn't even seem to notice that I hadn't sent a goodnight text like I did every single night. Haha, red flag that I ignored!

But you're right, totally. I can see where I went wrong in always being the one to do the pursuing. It's hard for me because I care deeply about other people in general, so I don't like for anyone to think that I'm aloof ... but, in this case, I need to learn to resist the temptation and just play cool.

Thank you again. : ) So encouraging.

[oneandonly]

Reading your 'venture' into cosmetics and all, I was like, 'what? Is this a girl who's recently had her heart broken?' haha!

You sound sweet. I enjoyed reading the long long loooooooooong post! Somewhat, it reminds me of my first love. Mine had its inevitable ending as I had planned to leave the country well before I met him. The overwhelming intense feelings and the depth of hurt, I am reminiscing with a fond memory now.

Good news is that, as others said, it quite quickly becomes a distant memory and you will have a whole lot more to look forward to!

Chin up and leave the past in the past and look forward to the future.

There are girls who don't like BJ. Some men don't like it either. Who knows? You may grow to like it but it is certainly not a big deal.

As for cosmetics, do it for yourself. Those things make you look prettier. No need to be insecure or negative about it. Millions and millions girls wear them for good reasons. When you look at yourself in the mirror and look prettier, doesn't that make you happier? If you do it for yourself, it doesn't matter what other people think.

Anyway, it was a good read!

[Fru]

Thank you kindly!... I have a naturally cheery personality so it's quite hard for me to be down for too long ... I'm not saying I'm over it already, but I suppose I'm recovering better than I had thought. And thanks for reading my long long post : ) Heh. Sometimes you just can't stop writing until you've said everything that comes into your head, ya know?

Anyway, thanks for the advice and kind words... I shall take it to heart!

[runnersva1]

For one, I think you are a very strong woman and you need to remember that. The first about..20 years? of your life you focused on yourself. You didn't look for someone to complete you; you just focused on you.

If you could be that strong then, be that strong now. It is very rare that you will be with your first love forever. If anything, you need to look at this as an experience.

Don't let this bad experience let you lose sight of who you are what your morals have always been. You figured out who you are and what you want out of life, and THEN you settled for a man.

However, know this, it is OK to cry and you will always have a pain in your heart from the loss of your first love. It's not something you can take away. You'll have that pain with you until the day you die. He was the first man you let into your heart, and that's special. But don't let your attachment keep you from loving again.

I have had two boyfriends since my first love, who I still cry about. I still love him, always will, but there's a difference between learning to move on and open your heart to other people and always loving them. You need to earn to balance the two things. Love him as a memory, as a person, and as a love. But if he lost his feelings, then there is nothing you can do. You cannot control what other people feel, but you can control your attitude towards love and life.

You seem to have a beautiful soul. Don't shut yourself out from new experiences, new loves, and your new life. Embrace change; don't fear it. Because guess what? You have changed. You're more experienced than the young high school girl who loved to travel. Now, you know what you want AND you have experience.

Best of luck. You have my praise in your strength.

[Fru]

You are too nice! Goodness ... that is so nice. : )

Yes, I sometimes seem to forget the fact that I was perfectly happy without a boyfriend, and I can be perfectly happy without one again (maybe not "perfectly" happy, but that's pretty much impossible anyway).

I'm happy to say that I regret very few things, now ... yes, I can see that I was naive, and overly optimistic/trusting, but really, it was my first relationship, so I need to cut myself some slack there. I can proudly say I was a good girlfriend: supportive, loving, affectionate (eventually!), very faithful, and very honest. I can take that away from the whole experience: my belief in myself has been strengthened, and my belief in my own principles and moral code has been strengthened by reading the replies to my post. (Thanks for that!)

I did do a couple things I now regret, like asking him to give me back the gift I gave on our anniversary. That was just spiteful on my part. But even then, I did have a reason ... it was a very special pendant I had ordered, that I felt represented me ... and I gave it to him thinking that he loved me and thinking that he would wear it as a token of our love. When he broke up with me, I felt that I had given it to him in false circumstances, because it turns out that he didn't love me anymore, and looking back it was obvious that even on our anniversary his feelings for me were pretty much out the window. So, I wanted it back.

I didn't actually get it back. We met for coffee a couple months after the breakup, so he could give me a book I left at his house, and I asked him to give the pendant back too. But when it came to it, he wanted to know why, so I explained to him that I had given it to him thinking he loved me and I supposed that wasn't true. He seemed very upset over this, and insisted that his love had been true and that the pendant still meant a lot to him, so he wanted to keep it. He felt it was a good end to our relationship to have this pendant. (Doesn't make much sense to me, either.) After quarrelling a little bit over that, I let him keep it.

I came so close to saying "**** you!" at one point during that conversation, when he was upset and got up to leave. I was SO close to just saying that to him as he left. But, I just couldn't ... instead I said "really?" As in, is it really going to end like this?

I'm glad I could restrain myself from saying that, because it doesn't make me feel good to swear at people and be spiteful and nasty and horrible. But, I do wish I had never asked for it back. I realized afterward that I didn't even want it back. I wouldn't be able to look at it, and I certainly wouldn't want to wear it. So, I just wanted it back to prove a point. Anyway, that never happened and he kept it. God knows why he wanted it, I mean what is his future girlfriend going to think if she sees this thing one day?

I think it was late that same night I tried to get the pendant back, at about 4am (after not sleeping at all), that I texted him again saying that I was sorry for trying to hurt him. I had a sort of epiphany, you see, at 4am. I saw myself trying to hurt someone and I didn't like it. I even wished him well, and he wished me well.

That epiphany helped, but didn't last ... my feelings started to turn hateful in the months afterwards. I no longer wished him well. I didn't tell him that, of course ... I had no wish to become a crazy spiteful ex. But I kept those feelings inside me, only expressing them in little bursts here and there -- referring to him as my "loser ex" or stuff like that to friends, for a laugh. I'm not sure this is healthy ... in fact I think it's not. Like I said in an earlier post, I still have yet to get over my anger.

It seemed to go like this: extreme sadness, disbelief, confusion, desperation, more desperation, resignation, understanding/empathy, numbness, anger, hate ... and now it's leaning towards apathy. Leaning, slowly! ... I hope the next one will be acceptance, forgiveness, and goodwill. I feel like I am not strong enough to reach forgiveness. I mean, to forgive someone who has really wronged you -- or who you feel has really wronged you, and acted in a despicable manner -- must be one of the hardest things on this earth. Forgiveness! Harder than any exam, harder than anything I've ever done. Sometimes I feel, that it's going to be too hard for me, and I'll never be able to forgive and wish goodwill upon this person.

I'm sorry, I'm really and truly rambling now!

But ... anyway. That's just a little more of what I'm feeling at the moment. I'm dealing with the pain, but I want to reach forgiveness, and am finding it very difficult. Perhaps I need to give it more time? I mean, it really wasn't that long ago ... 5 months? Am I expecting too much of myself? Or is this something that I should be able to master now?

ANYWAY. (I'm sorry, I get off topic quite easily!) Thank you for your comments, runnersva1. I very much appreciate them!

[Fru]

By the way ... I find it extremely therapeutic to write about my feelings here! It's like magic! It makes me feel so much better just to get it out of me somehow. I'm a fairly private person and I really don't express myself well verbally, but I can write ... and when I do, it's like an outpouring of whatever crap I've been rattling around inside of me for the past who knows how long. And it feels healthy, and fresh, and it makes me look at things from an outside point of view.

I should really keep a journal again. I haven't had the heart for it for a long time, but maybe it's a helpful thing.