i need her back

[masky007]

Hi,

I am 23 year old guy who has fallen in love again in love with the same girl i actually ever loved in my life.

It all started the last summer, she texted me that Saturday night to see each other, and we walked and at the end we kissed.

The first two weeks i was COOL, i didn't had these tense emotions towards her. Everything was working my way.. but the emotions (AS I AM VERY VERY EMOTIONAL - maybe cause i am cancer zodiac sign :p though i don't believe this much.. but i am more than normal i think) have been awaken again in me. I was feeling like i want to see her every day, every minute.. we hanged, we laughed and all things..
When we got our first conversation about relationship, she had made it clear she doesn't want that right now. (may 2011, she got out of a relationship that lasted 2 years.. and it's kinda understanding) I was like ok, i don't want relationship too, but i really enjoy your company, and she agreed to that and she enjoyed mine. So as the time passed, i was kinda pressuring her for relationship, and eventually we got together, she was coming to my house, she told her friends about me and stuff.. i kinda got to the point where she given her commitment to me.
I got to say i am not experienced guy in relationships, i never had this kind of relationship before in my life. So i made mistakes ... what i was doing that time i was measuring her love, and i was feeling disappointed if she doesn't meet up my expectations. We were arguing here and there.. but in the end everything would went fine. We really do respect each other, we became very CLOSE - to the point where i couldn't tell stuff like that to no one but HER.. She would call me when she was feeling bad, share stuff that happens in her family etc..
But back than i didn't actually knew what i had... she was starting to love me.. and because i so much wanted to be loved from her i was doing emotional tests to her..
I broke up to her because of a very stupid thing.. because she didn't want to hold my hand one night we were out.. :/ - she got so pissed and she said don't you ever return if you walk away now. (this was 2 months ago i am writing this..).. than we argued and we argued.. she bring out old problems we had, like why i was so "closed", why i didn't tell her much stuff... while she was 100% honest with me.. - well i was afraid not to hurt her feelings with some things i say, and i didn't felt comfortable to talk on some subjects regarding my life with anyone. i needed time to open up.. but i did it eventually.

So we stayed friends... things cooled off a little bit (for her) but not me.. and we stayed in contact- we hanged out adn stuff..
2 weeks ago (almost 3 now) we were dancing together in that night club, i was little drunk, and so as she was- we had great time.. and when all of her friends left, she stayed with me- and as we were both drunk from the red whine, we hugged so close, and walked towards her home.. we were so attached i could feel it it joys my heart even now, we sang, laughed kissed, hugged and all over again until we reached her house..
The other day well, she still didn't want to have relationship but.. she was kinda more inclined to me.. after a week or so, i wanted to see would she call me like sometimes she did. and there was nothing from her for 2 days.. well i was so disappointed, hurt deep inside.. i felt broken - i felt like i was being hurt all the time because of that.. that feeling was so intense so unbearable for me..
And i called her out to talk.. We argued again.. and i was asking her that we separate, to break all contact we have, because this *** made me cry like a child.. she said, she really loves me in her life.. but now after all those stuff we had back, she didn't feel the same for me...
I really wanted to break contact with her but.. she is so honest and all it did that night to me actually made me to want to be with her even more! .. So here i am.. we are still in touch.. but i really don't know how to act with her.. she is afraid to go out with me because of my feelings now i think.. i really still feel pain inside because she doesn't feel the same way about me, i know it's uncalled for but that's it i feel that way..
I need advice.. i need something deep and really smart. I know what i want! I wan't to win her heart back, i just can't let go off my ever love in my life (she was my first child love since elementary school..)
... i wan't to be in relationship with her, i just need her..

Ill copy paste something i have written couple of days ago, when i was really messed up..

I think i have found the root of my outbursts i have..
.. now when i am not with her, and she refuses me, when she says she doesn't feel anymore alike before.. that that is not enough now..
It makes me feel... little angry, kinda angry at her.. kinda angry at me.. i feel sorrow, i feel so bad .. so much mixed up feeling and i am not even I sure what things i exactly feel.. but i can say.. i feel literally constant pain in my chest :/

.. stupid things turned her away from me, i tried to dig deep inside me and found out why i did all those stupid things..
And what i have found is that i am selfish person (i didn't know that..) i needed to be loved, things to be showed to me that i am loved.. it doesn't sounds selfish but it is when all i did was concentrate on how much does she actually loves me? HOW MUCH (that's measurement which is totally wrong), i was doing emotional tests to her, which where she passed my tests i felt good and kinda happy, satisfied, and where she did failed i got frustrated.. )

Is this really me? I really refuse to be this kind of person when i actually am aware of these things...

thank you