He felt raped - roll-playing gone bad

[coffee_mug]

My boyfriend and I are in our mid 20's, been together for 3 years. I am female. Our relationship for the most part is very loving, supportive and strong with open communication. Something happened a couple nights ago and I really need advice.

I am naturally submissive but my boyfriend really gets off on my dominating him. We're not talking whips and chains, more things like bossing him around, spanking, pain/pleasure type things but nothing fancy. The only "sex toy" we've ever incorporated are laundry pins. The other night, he woke me up in the middle of the night for some fooling around. I was naturally grumpy because I hate being woken up, especially for sex. We hadn't done it in a while though so I felt bad and went along, though I wasn't totally a good sport. Generally when I'm a bit grumpy it helps my acting dominant because then I am less concerned with how he feels and can boss him around or cause pain/pleasure without feeling guilty or very worried.

I'm going to be a bit graphic, I apologize in advance but I think it's important to tell exactly what happened for any kind of useful advice. After foreplay and bossing him around a bit, I told him I wanted to have sex. (He had initially said all he wanted was to give me a hand job). Later he told me he didn't like that, but at least I asked so he went along. The problem happened when he was about to orgasm, he started to pull himself out but I grabbed his butt and shoved him back in, so he ejaculated inside me (yes we of course use protection).

He was quiet and didn't say anything, I didn't notice anything wrong until a while later when he told me how that had made him feel. He said he felt raped. I was and still am horrified. I swear to god I would never hurt him that way on purpose! I though it was part of the "rough sex" and bossing him around, dominating him. I guess in that moment I was only thinking of what I want and not him but I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS thought it would hurt him!! If I had known, I NEVER would have done it!

We both stayed up for hours after that. I couldn't stop apologizing and crying, I don't know what to do. I've spoken to him before about using safe words, he won't have anything of it. I tried pushing it again after what happened and he said quote "you read too much of those forums". He still refuses to use a safe word, he says we don't need them we just need better communication. He hugged me, has told me numerous times since that he loves me and I'm wonderful, has sent loving SMS's but I just don't know if it's right to go "back to normal". He is a bit quieter and more distant but I don't know if it's because of what happened or not. I've tried asking him what he needs, I told him I would leave if he needed that, give him space, that I'll do whatever he wants but all he says is that it shouldn't happen again and that we need better communication.

What do I do? What should he do? I want to help him, help us but I don't know what the right thing to do in this situation is..?

[vashti]

Are you sure you didn't leave out some important piece of information? Because if he really feels "raped" after this, there is either something wrong with him, or he doesn't understand what rape is.

If I were you, I would be annoyed. Or worried about his emotional development. Or both.

[gardenofjade]

Ok, you need to be clear about your sexual boundaries immediately. Verbally say what is allowed, what is necessary, and what is expected.
Rape is when someone forces sex and clearly he initiated the encounter, thus, not rape. However, his emotions are reflecting some violation of boundary. So ask what it is. Sounds like a birth control issue to me.

[Wakeup]

Are you sure you didn't leave out some important piece of information? Because if he really feels "raped" after this, there is either something wrong with him, or he doesn't understand what rape is.

If I were you, I would be annoyed. Or worried about his emotional development. Or both.

Agreed.

.... and why are you making this an issue when it doesn't have to be, Op? You didn't know the rules, you've apologized and he's told you not to sweat it. So.. don't sweat it.

He sounds like a manipulative douche if he won't agree to things but expects you to cater to his whims without specific boundaries in place.. Re-read your post and look with unbiased comprehension on how he played that out.

[misombra]

omg i'm sorry but this is funny as hell.

he felt raped? what a ****ing douche.

i would dump him immediately.

[VincenzoG91]

Yeah, I thought this was going to be something extreme, like you did him in the ass with a strap-on or something. What you described is a passive-aggressive control freak jerking you around. He claims that he likes to be dominated by you, so you dominated him, to a very minor degree. And now he's playing a sick mind game with you with his fake complaint. I think that it would be entirely reasonable if you gave him some space and withheld sex until he gets some therapy for his fake trauma. Bet he experiences and sudden and miraculous recovery from his b-s.

[searock]

I don't think he's faking what he felt. It's not rape because it wasn't your intention to rape him of course, but it might have had provoked a (massively lower) degree of rape-associated feelings in him. Just understand that it was in no way your fault. If anyone's, it was his, for not wanting to set a safe word and still wanting to play submissive. He has already told you that he isn't angry at you. What I would do is refuse to act dominant with him ever again, unless he agrees to a safe word, or at least on setting clear, well-defined boundaries.

[HeartIsAching]

Are you sure you didn't leave out some important piece of information? Because if he really feels "raped" after this, there is either something wrong with him, or he doesn't understand what rape is.

If I were you, I would be annoyed. Or worried about his emotional development. Or both.

This.

... and why are you making this an issue when it doesn't have to be, Op? You didn't know the rules, you've apologized and he's told you not to sweat it. So.. don't sweat it.

He sounds like a manipulative douche if he won't agree to things but expects you to cater to his whims without specific boundaries in place.. Re-read your post and look with unbiased comprehension on how he played that out.

And this.

[coffee_mug]

Thank you all. You're right, I over-reacted. It was his use of that word, I was so horrified I couldn't imagine what I would be like if he had aroused that feeling in me. I tried talking about it again today and he said "stop making a big deal out of it. We talked about it, it won't happen again, that's enough." I'm annoyed now at his use of such language to describe what seems more like a boundary crossing, as you guys put it, than truly feeling violated.

I'm sorry if I annoyed anyone I just had no idea how to take what he said. Clearly, I took him too literally. Hearing a loved one say you hurt them in such a way is extremely upsetting. I've been walking around for days thinking I'm a horrible person and wondering if god would ever forgive me, even if my bf did. With no one to talk about such a matter with, I just kept churning things in my head and making them worse. I apologize if the post upset anyone and really appreciate the feedback. A weight has truly been lifted.

I don't think he's faking what he felt. It's not rape because it wasn't your intention to rape him of course, but it might have had provoked a (massively lower) degree of rape-associated feelings in him. Just understand that it was in no way your fault. If anyone's, it was his, for not wanting to set a safe word and still wanting to play submissive. He has already told you that he isn't angry at you. What I would do is refuse to act dominant with him ever again, unless he agrees to a safe word, or at least on setting clear, well-defined boundaries.

Thank you very much for your post. I will do this. It will probably be a while until we're intimate again anyway, I'm pretty averse to it right now.

[asdfg789]

if anyone forced me to ejaculate inside a coffee_mug i'd feel violated too (:

[coffee_mug]

if anyone forced me to ejaculate inside a coffee_mug i'd feel violated too (:

Haha, that literally made me LOL. Sorry for the lack of originality, it's what was next to my laptop when I made the account.

[Wakeup]

if anyone forced me to ejaculate inside a coffee_mug i'd feel violated too (:

lolzzz ~ priceless :o)

[gardenofjade]

I've been walking around for days thinking I'm a horrible person and wondering if god would ever forgive me, even if my bf did.
.

This just shows how manipulative he is. He knew it bothered you for days and didn't resolve it. games, games, games... better make some choices about him.

[bcgirl]

you two were engaging in a sexual act.... in the midst of the moment, ofcourse it is natural to grab your partner and lead him to penetrate you. This is ridiculous that he calls it rape. It brings up alot of red flags. If he is so super sensitive to this fact, perhaps he has been raped as a child? You also say that he gets off on you dominating him. Most adults who get off on domination and degradation during sexual acts were abused as children either physically or sexually or both.

[VincenzoG91]

Maybe he is too casual about the use of the word "rape." Guys can often be insensitive about rape, even joking about it. That doesn't make it okay, and it's still troubling that he left you suffering for days over this.