Guys - I need advice again!

[GirlOne]

Hi everyone,

I need truthful advice as about 6 months ago I asked for some advice on a shy guy, but here's the update.

the summary: I fancied a work colleague when we were working on a project for 2 months last summer. We flirted initially then my feelings grew for him. As part of a work colleague group, me and this guy used to go out in the evenings for beers. At the end of the project I made my feelings clear for him and he didn't act, which I took that he wasn't interested in my that way. However, I was embarrassed about asking him out and since I didn't really know him was happy to cut him off completely, but he seemed really upset by this - we had built up a solid friendship base - I couldn't understand why he'd fight for my friendship when he didn't fancy me. Anyway, we both left the company and ended up in different jobs, but we continued to go out after work socialising (again as part of a bigger group). Then he moved cities (he never told me, I heard through a mutual friend who he was close to). I became close to the other guy he was in contact with by way of keeping up with the shy guy's news.

Over the 6 months since this has happened I have sent him the occasional email updating him with the group news. I never heard back from him. I was about to completely write him off as a total waste of time, when just before Valentines day he emailed me updating me with his news and it was clear he wanted to stay in contact and told me of his plans for the future (the tone of the long email was friendly).

What do you make of that?

Here's the news about me: at the time I asked him out I was overweight - I've lost a lot of weight. Also, I'm not sad hanging around - I've been very busy at work and with my social life. At the moment he's concentrating on his career, but obviously guys are guys, so I don't know if he's met anyone and I don't want to ask either.

I have quite a few friends in the small city he's moved to who keep on asking me when I'm going to visit. If I visit my friends, do I tell him? He might take it as a cuss I've visited his city and not told him - he would find out about this via mutual friends, so I wouldn't be able to keep a visit secret (but I don't even know he would want to meet up even if I said I was visiting his city).

Also, previously I described him as shy, well, he's quiet, but not overly shy, he doesn't talk much and I talk heaps. I would call him reserved, rather than shy. There is a difference, once he's with friends he does talk a bit. Basically, once he trusts you he comes out of his shell a bit. He doesn't have too many friends because he's choosy about his friends (I like that in a person).

He's not a player, he wants a relationship with a view to marriage, he's picky about women, he's polite and nice so he wouldn't want to hurt me (I can handle the truth), he's 31 and moderately successful with women, although when I knew him he was single and had been single for a long time (his choice - he's picky)

What do you make of this?

[Wakeup]

What do we make of what? There is nothing of substance in your entire post that would indicate that we should make something of something?

What is it you want to hear? Are you wondering if his email reply means more than just a courtesy?

[GirlOne]

yeh ... because he didn't have to reply to my (few emails) as he had moved cities and could have faded me out easily which is what guys do when they're not interested. He really didn't need to send me an email as it was a long email explaining he'd been super busy, why he changed cities, personal info about himself, his plans for the future etc, guys don't do that for girls they don't like. He hasn't kept in contact with anyone else from our work colleague group except this one guy who I'm also in contact with.

Even when we were going for beers, he was telling me he definitely wanted to keep in touch.

I'm thinking of visiting his small city - do I tell him?

If I met up with him, should I make another move on him? (I look a lot different now as now I'm slim and I'm getting hit on by other guys, but I really liked this shy guy)

[smackie9]

He's picky, has no problem with the ladies, so why would he have trouble making a move? Because he is not that into you. Oh well taking another shot at it wouldn't hurt I guess. Just remember girls can be put into the friends zone too.

[searock]

yeh ... because he didn't have to reply to my (few emails) as he had moved cities and could have faded me out easily which is what guys do when they're not interested. He really didn't need to send me an email as it was a long email explaining he'd been super busy, why he changed cities, personal info about himself, his plans for the future etc, guys don't do that for girls they don't like.

Actually, guys *do* that for girls they aren't attracted to but whom they are good friends with.

Anyway, I also think you should try again with him. It can't hurt, and no matter how it goes, at least you won't be left with any "what if". So yeah, tell him you'll visit his town and if he cares to meet up with you, grab a drink or something.

[Wakeup]

yeh ... because he didn't have to reply to my (few emails) as he had moved cities and could have faded me out easily which is what guys do when they're not interested. He really didn't need to send me an email as it was a long email explaining he'd been super busy, why he changed cities, personal info about himself, his plans for the future etc, guys don't do that for girls they don't like. He hasn't kept in contact with anyone else from our work colleague group except this one guy who I'm also in contact with.

Even when we were going for beers, he was telling me he definitely wanted to keep in touch.

I'm thinking of visiting his small city - do I tell him?

If I met up with him, should I make another move on him? (I look a lot different now as now I'm slim and I'm getting hit on by other guys, but I really liked this shy guy)

My personal opinion is why bother if you are not within driving distance of one another. You live in different cities now so chances are you'll not have the opportunity to actually nuture the relationship into what you want it to be. If you are going to be in his city though, I would let him know that I was going to be there and would he like to meet for a drink or dinner but I'd certainly not have any expectations from it.

[GirlOne]

Thanks. I wouldn't like to say he has no problem with the ladies, in fact he told me he struggled, and another girl he was interested in (we both knew) turned him down. He's shy-ish, I wouldn't say super shy as last time I wrote he was shy I got replies like ask him out as shy guys don't make the move, but this guy he would make the move, but he takes his time in all things he does, he's cautious, doesn't talk much at all in a group or generally.

[GirlOne]

Thanks. I'm just trying to think ... when guys have fancied me and I haven't fancied them back, then they've tried to be friends, I have just ignored them and hope they get the message. You don't want to give someone false hope or accused of encouraging someone. Especially when there is a big mutual group, where word could get out and make you look bad.

The friendship was accrued over 2 months - that's hardly a basis of 'good friendship' - I have other guy friends I'm friends with that I've been friends with for years (although this shy guy has the basis of a great friendship for sure)

I'm a bit reluctant to make another move as making a move last summer I feel was the wrong strategic move (mainly because it didn't work out lol) he knows I fancied him and he said no (then), so I feel he should make the move, although friends have also said that feelings change. I guess if I visit him I'll know. I also think I shouldn't make a move again as I already got my answer last summer, it makes me look sad.

[GirlOne]

His city is commutable and I could easily move there for a job if needed. We've both have no problem with long distance relationships too. I don't want to suggest I would move there until I'm sure his feelings for me are reciprocated, otherwise it might come across as cramping his style, you know, stalkerish (I'm totally independent, but I care about how things come across) For instance, I'm getting several job offers for his city, but I don't do anything about it, as I worry that it comes across I'm deliberately moving there for him, which looks desperate.

[smackie9]

If those job offers are real good you look into taking one of them, don't worry what the hell he thinks, you are doing it for you.

[Wakeup]

If those job offers are real good you look into taking one of them, don't worry what the hell he thinks, you are doing it for you.

I agree with this.

Girlone; I think you're putting far to much value on this man. Live your life without countering him in to your decisions. He's not shown you enough interest for you to be worrying or second guessing your life over.

[GirlOne]

Thanks. I'm quite happy in my present job, so I don't really want to move at the moment, although that's not to say I won't move to his city in the future.

I have friends in his city I'm due to visit - do I tell him I'm going to be visiting his city? That also makes it look like I'm angling to meet up with him, but it would be really awkward if I bumped into him when I hadn't told him (there's a high chance that I'd bump into him)

Back to his guy though: He's kinda lazy in keeping in contact with all people. I'm quite happy to continue writing the occasional email. If I go and meet up with him, I'm not sure hitting on him would be the best move, because in my mind, I've already expressed my feelings for him last summer (and he turned me down) so I think I will just leave it to him to make any more moves ... and if he doesn't make a move, that isn't a problem for me as I'm getting hit on by other guys.

[Wakeup]

Thanks. I'm quite happy in my present job, so I don't really want to move at the moment, although that's not to say I won't move to his city in the future.

I have friends in his city I'm due to visit - do I tell him I'm going to be visiting his city? That also makes it look like I'm angling to meet up with him, but it would be really awkward if I bumped into him when I hadn't told him (there's a high chance that I'd bump into him)

Back to his guy though: He's kinda lazy in keeping in contact with all people. I'm quite happy to continue writing the occasional email. If I go and meet up with him, I'm not sure hitting on him would be the best move, because in my mind, I've already expressed my feelings for him last summer (and he turned me down) so I think I will just leave it to him to make any more moves ... and if he doesn't make a move, that isn't a problem for me as I'm getting hit on by other guys.

If you've already told him you are interested in him and he turned you down then yes, common sense would dictate that you not "hit on him" so, I agree that just leaving it to him to make any more moves is a good idea.

Have fun with the other guys.