I never write when I feel good, when I am among people, where the tears can't really come out.
I thought to try do it for once, see how it goes for me, now, sitting in the library, studying.

These last three month where horrible. I don't think that as a baby I cried so much. He broke my heart into something that small that doesn't even eligible to me called pieces. And the truth is, it's not his fault. When we started it I knew it's for a limited time. I know he was still in-love with someone he once left, and I knew he left here due to the fact that he can't stand long distance relationship. And, there was the religion thing. So, basically, I never really thought that there is something there that could last forever. and still, I found myself leaving him at the airport broken, a feeling that hadn't leave me yet.

A friend told me today that my sadness isn't for nothing, that the fact that he was my first meaningful relationship makes it o.k to feel bad, sad, empty. And he sure was. He was the "first" in many different thing in my existence as a person, and (in what we might refer to as) my soul. What I thought would be an amusement became quick to dependency and love. Well, from my part of course. It's not that I don't think he liked me, I guess he did in one way or another, but it was more as a convenient matter for him. And I, I didn't mind. I was so pleased with us a couple, with me as someone who can be part of it, that even when he hurt me I made this insulted bad felling to go away rather fast.

And than it was over, and I came back, and I fell apart. He moved on, taking week or two to reply for a mail, or to just keep in touch via some lame Facebook wall massage. Again, I can't blame him, what it was for me just wasn't the same for him. I'm sure he thought he's amazing just by keeping some-kind of connection with me. A connection in a shape that's not enough for me, not in my dreams.

So it's not that I'm writing now as someone who "feels good". I still feel bad. I still cry almost on a daily basis. I feel lonely, and sad, and empty, and deserted. and you name it. I feel as if the only thing I really cherish in my life had gone away. What I do try to get into my head is that it is O.K to Feel this WAY.

He was everything for me. Sure, it was only for a short time, but it still was overwhelming and more that I can endure. So I will feel bad. There is nothing to fight. And I cried, but I won't be mad at myself anymore for doing it because I'm allowed, and it is the natural thing to do. It will be hard, and sad, and sometimes I will just want to dive into my pillow. The most important thing is that I will understand that I'm just a young woman, and I'm vulnerable. I can't win all the time and sometime the lost will look far to much to handle. With time I will strengthen my inner self, and I will make it.

Taking time to understand my emotional situation is not something to be shame for.
I will be happy again, I will have love again. I WILL MAKE IT (hopefully, but maybe writing it will help me believe in it).