Soul Searching

[Rosebud]

I have had some bad luck over the past few years when it comes to relationships and I've started to look at myself a lot more. I've been in a decent amount of relationships and none of them turned out well obviously for different reasons. Over the past year, a lot of the guys I've dated have either gotten married or had children. Everyone says the right one will come along, or it will happen when your least expecting it and I'm honestly not looking for anything and that's not the problem. The problem is I'm wondering why I find myself fascinated with the ones I can't have or the ones that are more difficult. A couple years back I started having feelings for one of my closest friends who is married and I know he had felt the same but we never crossed that line and still to this day are good friends. A few months back I even considered getting back with my ex but I knew that would be a huge mistake because we aren't right for each other and I fell out of love with him a long time ago. Now, one of my classmates from high school who I graduated with contacted me on facebook just to see how things were going and we have talked every day since. He's a great guy but he lives in a different state. We both admitted we like a challenge and this is definitely one of them but what am I doing to myself? It can't be that I'm afraid of commitment because that's what I want when I find the right person. I do want a relationship and to find the right person for me but why is it that I'm always finding the ones that I can't have? I can't help but feel there's either a lesson for me or something that I'm not seeing and I'm hoping you guys can help me out with that. I'm not jumping the gun on anything with this new guy because like I said he lives several states over and while he has the ability to go anywhere he wants, it's still not possible right now. I seem to always go for the wrong ones and I can't figure out why. So what do you guys think?? Or am I just reading too much into it?

[smackie9]

Your lack of success is valid because of you poor choices. Your problem is that you use challenge as a measure of desire instead of actually looking at things like comparability, and personality. This is not a matter of bad luck, but more like a bad habit you have, and now that you are finally seeing it, it's time to make some changes.

You can make the change just by making up a checklist of your expectations, things that are important to you like, is he single (check), does he have financial stability (check), does he get along with his family (check) and so on. This will give you a guideline to follow. The only challenging part is to stick with it. It's to keep your emotions out of it and to be more practical about your choices.

Now as to why you are struggling with finding mr. right, you need to look at your own life. You need to do things to enhance your life to attract the man you want. Having interests, hobbies and a strong social life is key. You need to spend more time being active, rather than focusing on finding a man. Do things like go to the gym, have your Gfs fix you up on blind dates with single guys they know, speed dating, dating site, or try joining a social club. Just by getting out there and meeting as many people in general will increase your chances. If you just relax and just go out for fun, and stop worrying about getting yourself into a relationship the easier it will be.

Now as for the LDR. You are best to walk away from that. You are only denying yourself in having true satisfaction from a relationship. The happiness will be short lived and you will be left with frustration and loneliness, and that's is what you are trying to avoid here right?

I hope this has been of some help to you.

[vashti]

This may or may not apply to you personally, but here's a bit of food for thought.

You are an attractive girl, with lots of dating opportunities, but you only seem to want the stinkers. No one repeats behaviors unless they are getting a payoff. Maybe your "payoff" is that dating bad guys makes you look like an angel when you can tolerate the crap few other people could.

[Rosebud]

This may or may not apply to you personally, but here's a bit of food for thought.

You are an attractive girl, with lots of dating opportunities, but you only seem to want the stinkers. No one repeats behaviors unless they are getting a payoff. Maybe your "payoff" is that dating bad guys makes you look like an angel when you can tolerate the crap few other people could.

Wow Vashti!! That is food for thought. That got me seriously thinking. I have a tendency to find some truth in this one.

Thank you both for your comments. I appreciate the advice you gave Smackie, and I will take some into consideration but there are a few things here that I wanted to clear up. With the job that I do, as well as being on midnights I don't have the time to go out. I have a daughter as well so on my off days, I'm with her. Her father and I do not use a babysitter so she's either with him while I'm working or she's at home with me so going out isn't really an option. When I'm able to, I will but I've gotten rid of a lot of negative people in my life so the people that go out are not the ones I want to associate with anymore. I'm not focusing on looking for anyone, as I said my priorities are my daughter and my job to make sure she is taken care of, but the wrong people have been knocking at my door and I see it right away and dismiss them. I agree with you on doing things to attract the right people, I just don't know how to go about doing that with my schedule. I'm around my coworkers more than I am at home and cops are not the type of guy I want to date. While some are great, most of them are unfaithful and their career will always come first. That being said, I'm also in a college town so going to the grocery store or out to dinner usually brings the barely 20 somethings out and I'm older and want someone more stable. Not saying that you can't be stable at tht age, but most I've run into are not.

[IndiReloaded]

Hey RB - Well, sounds like Vash gave some good insight that has made you go hmmm. Certainly your ex pulled some crap on you but I know at least some of it you tolerated for your daughter. A lot of us would do the same so I'm putting at least some of that to your youth and inexperience. Now you are older and wiser, and this post reinforces that.

You know I tend to be more about solutions, so I will second Smackies comment about making a list of what you are looking for. Its not for everyone, but I think there's value to the exercise. At some point, you will decide to 'get out there' more than you are wanting to now. Sounds to me that you are thinking about it, but not yet at the point where you care enough to change your routine for it, which is something I think you know you will have to do if you really want to meet someone.

I suppose I don't really think you have dated around enough to really say you are making bad choices. I think you worry about it, and I think your ex was jerk enough to make you wonder if your 'picker is broke' (to paraphrase Wakeup) but I don't think it is. BTW, too much navel gazing can make you create an issue where there isn't one. I've always thought you seemed quite sensible and the fact you finally ditched your ex just reinforced that. You're a smart, strong gal and a good mom. You're fine.

[Rosebud]

Thank you Indi for your kind words and suggestions as well. I like to think I have a grown a lot over the past few years and I guess this is all part of it. The more I have read these posts and thought, the more I tend to think I'm just not as ready for a relationship as I thought I was. Like you guys said, when I'm ready I will make the proper adjustments to get out and possibly meet someone. I know I'm still healing from things with my ex and other things along the way and I'm pretty confident in saying my home is my comfort zone and if I don't have time for anything else, it's because I'm not making the time for it. I do know the type of person I want and or the qualities as well, but until I make the proper changes in myself won't attract that type of person. It makes sense.

The past two years have been extremely stressful on me. There's been several deaths, massive tornado destruction, heartaches, and health issues. I had a spell with depression and was worried that it was my poor choices that was bringing all this on recently. Most of you that know me, know I'm a positive person so all this is something I'm not used too. It's all a part of growing though. Thank you guys for listening to me