Am I being too selfish?

[sloanranger]

There's a girl I use to work with and we were great friends at work. She has now left the company and keeps e mailing and texting me as she wants to catch up. But the trouble is I started to like her too much and she has a boyfriend. Anyway I have deliberately ignored here requests to meet up because she has her BF and I like her too much now to just be friends so thought it best to avoid her so I can move on.

Anyway she recently made me feel really guilty about not getting back to her and still wants to catch up with me, I have agreed but left the ball in her court to arrange a time and place, but really I don't want to do it as last time I just ended up depressed that we can't be together and I know I will feel the same again at the end of the evening.

I feel torn between what i know is best for me and not wanting to seem like a bastard by being cold to her.

[Wakeup]

I'm at a loss as to why you don't just tell her that you don't like meeting up with her on a one-on-one basis because you, yourself wouldn't like your gf doing such things. It's perfectly okay for you to let someone know you have personal boundaries that you'd not cross or let anyone else cross. Tell her to introduce you to her boyfriend and then the three of you can hang out ~ don't worry, I doubt very much that she'll be open to you two meeting but on the off chance that she does, well perhaps you'll make a new friend in him, he'll introduce you to some hot chickie who is actually not in a relationship and you can give up your crush on someone who has obviously friend-zoned you. Don't waste your time on her anymore. Just tell her like it is.

[sloanranger]

Thanks for the feedback, I have already met her Boyfriend at a company do and he's a really nice guy. We often use to get a drink after work or go out to lunch together and none of those times were with her boyfriend so it would be weird if all of a sudden I said it's not right for us to meet up 1 on 1 without her BF.

[Wakeup]

Well, It's not right for you two to meet up like you're on a date. Would you like it if she was your gf and she was meeting men one-on-one like she does with you? You simply have to tell her that you, yourself wouldn't like it, that you like and respect her bf so you don't think it's a good idea to be doing things like that anymore.

I think you're afraid of cutting all ties and so you are making unlogical reasons not to.

[sloanranger]

I hear what you are saying but I don't feel comfortable saying this to her I guess I don't like conflict as I would appear judgmental that her behaviour is wrong.

I really don't want to meet up with her and thought she got the message when I had not heard from her for a few months but then when she texted me recently saying how she forgives me for not replying but really wants to meet up I just feel guilty.

I am just hoping she does not get back to me with a time to meet up, I think I will just come up with an excuse though as in the long run its the best thing to do.

Damn I was finally starting to forget about her until she contacted me again

[halfstepsunflow]

I am currently just starting to date a guy who has apparently had a deep burning passion for me for over a year. I could always feel his vibes although he played it very cool- I knew he liked me but he never hit on me and respected my relationship that I was already in (which lasted 5 years). He now says that it was torturous for him at times and that some times he couldn't stand to be in the same room as me. He waited until I was single to say anything and I had him in mind immediately when the course of my relationship ended naturally. I would have never left my x for another man- we ended naturally... but at the same time the fact that this new man was able to maintain respect has earned him HUGE BONUS POINTS.

I feel like in our situation I knew that my other relationship wasn't going to last but I loved the man I was dating and wanted to respect him so I let the relationship run its full course. At the same time I couldn't deny that this other man creeped into my head and that we had a strange chemistry. We never flirted but I just knew he was special and that SOME DAY we would talk more. It feels like we were meant to get to know each other but the timing was just a little too soon when we met- or maybe not too soon, as now we have all of this pent up secret passion to unleash. Again I say, we never flirted or even talked for more than 10 minutes at a time more than a dozen or so times at mutual friends functions so it's not the same as your situation- we just both (him more than me because I wasn't single so I checked my emotions) had a feeling something was important about each other but had to wait to really get around to it until circumstances were better suited.

My Advice: Keep yourself in check, DONT TELL HER YOU LIKE HER... play it cool, but stay in touch. Try to put her out of your mind, if she keeps coming back no matter how many times you think you're over her then maybe a little fate has a hand in it as well, which should bring you comfort.

[sloanranger]

Thanks for your storey it's interesting to hear from a girls perspective, I feel she must know I like her but can never be certain. So you think it's best to keep in touch but I don't want to meet up with her so I'll try and limit it to texts and e mails for my own sanity.

[Wakeup]

She is in a relationship. Leave her alone and get out there, do not put yourself on hold for someone who is with someone else. If you keep emailing her then you'll could be waiting around and being hung up on her for years. If she actually wanted you she would have been with you by now and not kept holding onto the one she's with.

You entertaining her and going on "dates" with her is not respecting her current relationship. You wouldn't like it if she was your gf and she was meeting up and chatting all the time with another guy, would you?

[sloanranger]

I think you misunderstood me, I won't be making any effort from my side but if she e mails me again I could just respond as a friend but I'll find excuses not to meet up. I don't plan on putting my life on hold but won't ignore her completely as I originally tried this and other mutual friends make this difficult.

[Wakeup]

I think you misunderstood me, I won't be making any effort from my side but if she e mails me again I could just respond as a friend but I'll find excuses not to meet upI don't plan on putting my life on hold but won't ignore her completely as I originally tried this and other mutual friends make this difficult.

I agee with everything in your "plan" except making excuses not to meet up. Just tell her that it's disrespectful to her boyfriend and their relationship and that you'll not be meeting up with her one-on-one like that as long as she's with him. That's called having personal boundaries and not letting anyone cross them. You'll never be put in the friend zone with someone you actually want a relationship with if you have the confidence to tell someone that you won't settle for less than you want.

JMO.. You know yourself and of course you'll do what you think is best.

Cheers.