parties

[thefallen]

so here's the deal. I'm in love with my girlfriend of nearly 9 months. I'm a sophomore in college and she's about to head to college near me next year. now she's not a party girl and is very conservative. she rarely drinks but has had a little before (no guys where around just her and her girls) and never has been drunk. I trust her very much but i do have an issue which i wanted to deal with with her because of college.

now i know she says she wont go out all the time at college but i am concerned for her because i know college could change that very quick (and as it's a party school i would say it's likely she will be going out at some point) now i am concerned because of this. it isn't because i think she will cheat or anything like that more so for her safety and also about our communication skills. i asked her a couple weeks ago about this and said that if she ever did decide to go out to one of them could she that i would want to know before hand about it. now she took offense to this and she said that i was being over protective, which i don't think to be the case. now the reason i believe this is because as i told her i wouldn't ask her not to go to one of these parties unless i truly felt uncomfortable. this i believe is a fair thing to say but i need to know what other women think. is this a fair thing for me to ask of her? i only am asking her to do this because i want her to 1 feel comfortable being able to tell me this 2 i feel it improves our communication and trust and 3 because it is something that is important to me as i feel it could very well be a rough time in our relationship. which is why i brought up the issue now so we could work on it before it became a problem

now along with this i did have another issue. you see at the start of our relationship she had told me that another guy liked her and had even asked her to prom already (nearly a year in advance!) now he was a very good friend of hers and also apparently a good guy as he backed off after he found out we were about to start dating. but he did confess he had liked her for a very long time but couldn't have her as she had been in a relationship before me for nearly two years. and i respect him very much for this. but when i had asked her his name she refused to tell me as she didn't want to make it awkward between the two of us should we ever meet. now i understand her logic here but rather than make me more comfortable it made me feel worse she wouldn't tell me who it was. so instead of feeling uncomfortable with one of her guy friends i was now uncomfortable with all of them!

i eventually worked out who it was and i'm fine with it but it did raise concerns about college once again. now heres my thing. i want to know if she thinks a guy likes her. this isn't because i am jealous, to be honest i don't care if other guys like her so long as she doesn't let them hit on her constantly and blatantly (i mean to the point where the guy isn't showing respect for her being in a relationship and is clearly trying to seduce her at which point i would get mad she didn't stop it, which she wouldn't ever let it get to but still) rather i want to know because i've seen more than one relationship fail because both parties were unable to be honest about this type of stuff. again i think it comes down to communication about these types of things. I also feel that this would build trust for one another not just in me trusting her and feeling like she isn't hiding things from me but also her trusting me not to freak out about it (granted if she knows someone likes her she shouldn't look to hang out with him constantly or alone together, thats not ok, but i don't mind if some other guy likes her)

now before anyone jumps down my throat about being a hypocrite let me just say that as i am currently away at school i do this constantly for her. if i go to a party she knows about it without even needing to ask. and in the case of a girl hitting on me i have told her when a girl was trying to come on to me (she didn't seem to comfortable with this at the time but it was early in the relationship) now when this happened i told her the girl had been trying to cuddle up next to me and i refused to let her (she was drunk) after trying to flirt with me all night (i was drinking but noticed it and stopped drinking heavily in to make sure i would be sober and could handle the situation appropriately. meaning not cause a fight) and when she tried to cuddle i believe she crossed a line and told her i have a girlfriend (she knew this already) and couldn't be doing that. now the reason i told her was simple. i feel that not only does she have the right to know but also i pictured what her reaction would be if i kept hanging out with this same girl later down the line and felt that she would be livid that i didn't tell her in the first place. along with this i also felt she had the right to ask me not to hang out with this girl by myself if she did feel very uncomfortable.

now i have made my argument but i do need some help in this. am i being over protective or not? i obviously feel i'm not but need some help in finding out if im right.

also on a side note with this i must say that when it comes down to it i believe the bf or gf has the right to be slightly over protective as this shows that they do care about the person. please help me i love my girlfriend very much and will do anything i can to make sure our relationship not only survives but thrives. thank you all so much for helping me!

[searock]

I see your point. I think the only thing you might have done "wrong" is to ask her explicitly, and so early in advance, to tell you beforehand about when she's going to go to a party. Shouldn't it have been obvious? People in relationships naturally tell each other what they're going to do. Maybe that made her think that you don't trust her and you want to control her actions. And it's definitely too early to start worrying about parties. You are so young and so early in the relationship that for all you know, by the time she goes to college you two are already broken up. It makes it seem like you really don't trust her, if you start worrying about parties even when they are still just a remote possibility. I think you should stop looking so forward into the future and keep focused on the present.

By the way, I think you're doing a good job at keeping your relationship boundaries (avoiding other girls to get too close to you).

[Bruce1]

Although I don't understand, but still like to join

you.

[thefallen]

i can see what you mean but to be perfectly honest im very upfront about my emotions. if something bothers me i will let her know. i don't play games when it comes to this because 1 i hate drama 2 i respect her enough to tell her what i feel and 3 i hate the mind games. seeing as she will be in school next year and i believe since we survived my sophomore year away we will likely still be together i brought up the issue before it actually was an issue. you are correct though she did believe it to be me being over protective but i think it was the way i was attempting to tell her (i have very strong ADD and have a hard time getting what i mean out the right way sometimes). i think i'll drop the issue for now and possibly bring it back up later this summer if i'm still feeling uncomfortable about this and let her know it's not ok with me to do that. also thank you very much for saying that about me i try very hard to consider how i would feel if i were in her place and act accordingly. would you mind also giving me advice about the other guys liking her issue? it would be very much appreciated thanks again!