Didn't see I was hurting her. Now she can't even look at me.

[lbnine]

We broke up around a month ago, it was a mutual decision based on a number of things mainly we hadn't been getting on as well as we once were and would both be moving to different countries for a year for work placements. We were going to remain friends and see if we could come back together.

So a month on we are still living together we had a few little arguments but always made up. Until last Sunday. We work together and it was staff night out, we went for a meal then drinks. We sat next to one another at the meal, but later when we started drinking we didn't spend much time together.

I spent most of the night with another girl we work with who I get on really well with, and we are quite playful together. Later that night we get a taxi home my Ex is in the front of the car, I thought she was sleeping and I was chatting with girl in the back. I got her number so we could keep in touch. She is also moving away next week and I know she was pretty sad about going; I was just trying to be a good friend. When we go back to home town, the Taxi driver would make only stop near mine and my Ex's home. I said I would walk this other girl home if my Ex is ok to just cross street by herself.

Walked the girl home and then I came straight back. I look into my Ex's room make sure she is in bed ok. She's not there; I go out on the street looking for her text a couple of her friends no reply. I waited up for a couple hours, and then managed a couple of hour’s bad sleep till when she got home.

She quickly said something offhand about me saying something along the lines of "Are you still here" to her during the night but I couldn't understand her properly.

The next morning I am hangover not the best time to try talk to her but I stupidly tried I thought she was just mad. I told her I didn't know why she was upset, if I was acting If I don’t care about her it’s just because I'm drunk and at party. I'm not trying to fuss over her I’m trying to give her own space but if she is jealous she doesn’t have to be. It just makes her more upset. She say I have broken heart worse than anyone else has before. I realise I am an asshole for trying to phrase my apology this way.

The next day I leave her, she disappears at the night again. I go into her she has ripped up a photo of us and there is a red note book, its closed but on seat facing door. I flick through it there is a note but I’m not sure she wanted me to read it yet so I didn’t. I can see it mentions my previous girlfriend and how upset she really is, that she actually hates me.

At one point I got a few more words out of her, she says she heard me saying I love this girl I was talking to in the back of the car, but I don’t know why she would think i would say this. Or she is mistaking me saying it in a friendly way. I can say for 100% I had no intentions of hitting on this girl I know she had a new boyfriend and we had been discussing me and my ex's break up during the walk home. I don't know her that well, she was moving away I was just using it as a chance to get to know her.

Up to this point I really believed I had done nothing wrong, I texted my friends to ask if they knew if I had said or done anything to upset her prior to the drive home to upset her. But it seems this is the full story. And now I reflect on it. I see how insensitive I have been. I didn't mean to hurt her, the thought that I may be making her jealous never even entered my head and I know that in itself is a bad thing.

Now that we have been broken up there is some distance between us, when she would be upset I should be able to sense it and I couldn't. I was prioritising a new friendship over her. It is wrong regardless of my intentions.

3 days later she still won't look at me, I asked again if she feels she could talk "just leave was the only response."

She is suffering and it is my fault, I don't know if I can fix this.... If I tell her all of this, I tell her all this with 100% honesty, that she has nothing to be jealous about. The fact is she has right to be jealous and I didn't even consider her feelings at the time, cause right then I didn't feel I was doing anything wrong.

The comments that she said regarding me saying "Oh are you still here" and her thinking I said I love this girl I just don't understand. The former at one point I thought she had gotten lift home off friend, I may have said this in an uncaring manner. But the latter I just didn't say that...

I spent quite a while taking with a mutual friend, I told her how I had crush on another girl but realised I was being stupid and just using it as a distraction from my break up with my Ex. I told her how much I love my ex, how I don't think I'll find anyone whose personality matches mine as well who has so much in common with me for I don't know how long.

The thing that annoys me most is whenever someone asks me "Living together must be awkward, how are you both doing? etc etc." My response is always the same, "It's a little weird but we are making it work because we want it" I honestly felt great about us up to the night, and for most of the party. I felt a little down when the fun of the drinking games started winding down I felt a little alone, I felt a little emptiness, where my ex would be. But I didn't think about how she was feeling then, I didn’t think about the big picture, I was just being selfish. As me just having fun was best way for me to heal and that has in turn done all this damage.

I think right now she is in so much pain, she is getting trying to get rid of all feelings for me. I don't know how to comfort her, she said she was so sad at one point she felt suicidal. I don't think she means it but she keeps going out at night, I can't sleep I'm just waiting for her to get home. We both have exams coming up so this is such a bad time. I don't know what to do.

Should I just let her move on? I want to ask for forgiveness but I know she has said in the past I only want that to make myself feel better. But I do care for her, I just don’t know why I have been so stupid. She recently booked her flight tickets and it made me realise how we won’t be able to share Christmas and the summer together like we did last year and it breaks my heart too. I wish I had told her this sooner, but we were trying to not be so co-dependent. Now she won’t need me, and I will have shame and regret like I have in the past.

Any advice? Thank you in advance,
lbnine

[Bruce1]

Start slowly are interested in this.

[searock]

You two are broken up! Stop feeling guilty and move out as soon as possible, clearly this situation isn't working out for either of you. She definitely still has feelings for you, and judging by your reaction to her reaction, you do too. So either you get over the problems that made you break up in the first place and you get back together, or you stop living together and move on.

[lbnine]

....So either you get over the problems that made you break up in the first place and you get back together, or you stop living together and move on.

How can I offer her an ultimatum like this when she won't speak to me? Do I just leave her with a broken heart, let her go and never find out how she really felt?

Honestly I don't think she wants to get back together, or rather we both think we can't since we will have to go to separate countries. But we do want to keep a hope we could get back together again alive, maybe it is foolish. But up to now it was getting me through the days, and I honestly feel at times when we discuss that idea, we feel pride we know we are both trying for one another still. Sometimes it feels it could work, we just need to adapt. But again, if we aren't talking how can we adapt?

[searock]

You need to make up your own mind. Do you want to get back together with her? If the answer is no, you need to stop living together, you need to move on. If you do want to get back together, tell her so (write her a note if she won't listen) and ask her if she agrees. If she doesn't, move out and move on.

[Harry1]

much appreciated

[lbnine]

We were trying so hard to just be friends. We both agreed working in seperate countries for a year would put a lot of strain on our realtionship if we tried to keep it going long distance. We decided we would go on break, possibly visit eachother, and then see if we can come back into things fresh when come back to Uni together in final year.

I've wrote her a letter, told her I didn't mean to hurt her. I wasn't trying to make her jealous. I've told her I still care about her and I'm sorry I didn't show that when I was at the party. Also even if we cannot get back together I'd rather have her as a friend as we planned than to lose her altogether. I'll see how and if she responds...



The only thing that confuses me and I can't comment on because she hasn't explained to me properly. Is something like she think I said I loved this other girl... when she was sat in the front of the car? I wouldn't say that a) becuase I don't love her b) I may have been insensitive not thinking about making her jealous, but I'm not going to tell her I love her infront of my Ex! c) this girl knows I wasn't trying to be anything other than friendly, I think there would have been more of a reaction from her if I did say I love her.

Only explanation is she misheard and took it out of context, but that's just goign to sound like I'm telling her she is lying or crazy...

Thanks so far guys, I'll keep you posted.

[lbnine]

6 days she hasn't come out of the bedroom or spoke to me, so I had to ask if we should just talk. She just wanted me to get out, I asked her if she had read the letter I left her seems she didn't even notice it. I had left it inside one of her open files, she must have not noticed it and just closed it... I may have missed the chance for when it could have made any difference.