How do you know? Should I continue with the wedding?

[confused123456]

Recently I've been pretty confused. I'm getting married in a month and I am not sure if I'm just trying to talk myself out of it or if I'm trying to talk myself into it. My fiance and I have been together for 6 years and we have lived together for 5.5 of those. We were very young when we got together I just turned 20 and he was 22. He is my first real boyfriend and the first and only person I've slept with.

Some of my concerns: He has about $7k in debt. More debt now than when he did before, even after we agreed that he would pay it off before the wedding and I even helped him set up a plan. He doesn't really have any ambition to pursue a career. He talks about how he doesn't want to be a loser for the rest of his life in a dead end job but continually won't do anything about it. I helped him do his resume and it just sits in our email. Don't get me wrong, he has a job, works hard at it and makes a decent wage but it's not great and he complains about it. I find myself really turned on by other guys, I've crossed the line by chatting with guy friends and talking about things I probably shouldn't be. Fiance hasn't really put an effort into pleasing me sexually... ever, he doesn't like to use "toys". He's not bad in bed he's just vanilla and we haven't really worked together to get me off. I think that's partly my fault because I didn't know how it should've felt or that's how it was supposed to work. He says he's going to try and do the things I want to do but so far I'm not sure he'll be able to. Sometimes he acts selfish. Like, I want to do more spontaneous things but he will only do them when it's his idea.

Reasons why I stick around: He puts up with my crap. Even though I feel like he can be selfish he can also be very caring and unselfish. He'll do something sweet like go to the store at 11pm to get me pop rocks and he does the dishes all the time which is awesome. He writes really sweet cards for valentines/bdays/christmas. We have all the same values/beliefs or at least can agree on happy mediums as far as children, where we live, religion, politics etc. Most important thing of all I LOVE HIM! I WANT to spend the rest of my life with him. I can see us having children. He is a really friendly guy, gets along with everyone and super nice. My whole family loves him and he gets along great with all my friends. We like to do some of the same things like go to football games, go camping, hiking etc.

I'm just concerned that the things in the concerned category will never change. We talk about them but it just makes him feel like a loser even when I make it about "us" and not just him. Do the things in the concerned category outweigh the stick around category? Any advice?

Also, we have a pretty good relationship overall. We don't argue and we like to spend lots of time together. We're like best friends.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Don't get married. Neither of you is ready. Getting married now would be a really, really stupid decision that will end in divorce, and probably within a year or two.

[VincenzoG91]

I read something interesting a while back by a marriage counselor. She said if you are thinking about getting married, think hard about your potential spouse. List the five things that bother you the most about that person. Then accept that you will never change those five things. If you can't accept that, don't get married. If you can't even think of five things, you don't know that person well enough yet, and should postpone marriage.

$7K is not a huge amount of debt. Depending on your combined income and ability to live within a budget, that could even be paid off within a couple of years. Lack of ambition is also not necessarily a big problem, especially if he is otherwise a good guy. It depends on you. Are you very materialistic, and need a certain higher level of quality of life to stay happy? Then maybe you would be better off with a guy who is more career-oriented, though there may be a trade-off in other aspects of life. I don't understand how the sex is still such a problem after you have talked about it. Was he really listening? Or just quickly getting defensive and shutting down the discussion?

The biggest potential problem might be your lack of experience with other guys. You might ruin an otherwise good marriage simply out of curiousity, eventually discovering that you were lucky to marry the right guy in the first place. It's too bad that you couldn't have met him later and had the chance to date around for a while first, because you would probably appreciate him more if you knew what other guys were like.

[Jeff12]

I want to, I've slowly like these, happy to join

you.