This is a long story, and I apologise!

[Branwen]

Hi,

I've never posted in this forum before having only just joined, so hello.

Where to start? I will try to keep this as brief as I can, but it's gotten to be quite a long story! Three years ago, when I was 26 and in my first year at university, I got to know a guy who was living in the same halls of residence as me. We became good friends and hung out together a lot, and since we shared many of the same friends it turned out that we would be living together during our second year also. Not long after that decision was made I began to realise that I was attracted to him, and felt in my gut that my attraction was reciprocated. However, I was seriously burned by my last relationship and as a result I lacked the confidence to make the first move. Further complicating matters is the fact that he's also very shy and insecure when it comes to women (he's also six years younger than me), AND we were about to move in together with another of our friends. All these factors, when put together, meant that neither of us ever made a move on the other. As the weeks turned into months it was quite clear to me (and to some of our friends) that we were mutually attracted to one another, but still neither of us made a move. Then I made the somewhat catastrophic mistake of sleeping with my ex-boyfriend. He turned cold after that, rarely flirting with me anymore and keeping an emotional distance between us most of the time. He would get jealous if ever another guy expressed interest in me, and would treat me as his girlfriend in every way EXCEPT physically (my closest friends are all male, and there's definitely a very clear difference between my friendships with other men, and the dynamic between the two of us- I do know and can tell the difference). There were a couple of occasions when we got very close to crossing the line into physical intimacy, but he would always back off at the last hurdle. By this time, however, I was head over heels in love with him- we were living together and studying together, and there was very little I could do to stop it. Eventually I told him that I had feelings for him but he let me down, saying that we should just be friends. Naturally, I thought I'd imagined our "mutual attraction" and felt hideously embarassed.

Fast forward two years and we're still "good friends", and I've managed to put the feelings I once had for him to one side. We would meet for a coffee once or twice a week and would usually go out and get drunk together at the weekends too. A few weeks ago we went out, got drunk, and FINALLY he kissed me. We fooled around a little, then I hit the breaks because I didn't want us to do anything we might regret. I asked him if he'd ever thought about it before (since he'd never articulated it, ever) and he said, "Of course I have, loads of times- you know I have." I told him that yes, I did know, and asked him why he'd never acted on it. He said, "You know me- I keep women at arm's length." Unfortunately I don't remember the rest of the conversation and had to pass out shortly afterwards due to being blind drunk (by the way, I was A LOT more drunk than he was).

We've seen each other a few times since then and suddenly he's treating me like a stranger. Like a child he actually sent one of his friends around a few days after the event to gage my reaction to it (as if I wouldn't see through that one- this mutual friend of ours had never called round to my house before and hasn't since!), and I made it quite clear that as far as I'm concerned, we were drunk, it meant nothing, and the sooner we can laugh about it, the better. Our mutual friend also assured me that he feels the same way about it. But on several occasions over the intervening weeks we've made arrangements to meet for coffee like we used to, and he's cancelled at the last minute every time. On the last occasion he didn't even have the courtesy to cancel- he just stood me up. I know that he "keeps women at arm's length" and pushes them away if they get too close, but after the years of friendship we've shared, getting to know each other's families, helping each other out in hard times and so on, I never would have thought that he could be so cruel as to push me away. I'm not "just some girl", you know? I'm a good friend. I thought I was important to him.

Although I love him as a dear, dear friend, I'd be lying if I was to say that I'm not still hugely attracted to him. And although we were drunk that night, it was inevitable that it would happen eventually- it wasn't without context. I know that he's shy; I also know that he's sexually inexperienced and insecure about it, and I'm certain he's been hurt badly in the past, although past relationships and sex are two things that he's extremely reticent to talk about (neither of us has had a relationship with someone else in the whole time we've known each other, either- over three years). I want eveything to go back to the way they were between us- very good friends- but at the same time, I'm sick of the mind games. I feel like I just want to confront him about all of this, but fear losing his friendship- he doesn't deal very well with this kind of situation and I know he'd just lose his patience and run for the hills if I try to broach it with him in the wrong way. But for crying out loud, I'm 29- I'm too old for this shit! To make matters worse, we're both moving to the same city soon and in a year's time we're going travelling to the other side of the world for six months with our friends. Is there no end to this?!

If I confront him, I risk losing his friendship. If I don't confront him, I risk having this thorn in my side for another three years. Or I can tell him that he's being a dick, that there's no need to avoid me like the plague because what happened doesn't matter to me, and hope that he will then be happy just to forget about it and go on as we were.

Ok, that wasn't at all brief. Sorry.

[Dakini1]

Hi branwen
It certainly seems like a frustrating situation for you. Your friend sounds like he is quite afraid of rejection. As you indicated, when your mutual friend was around he was trying to gauge how you really felt. Unfortunately he may have gotten the wrong message. It seems to me that if the two of you are ever going to get together one of you will have to risk being open and making a move. Or ok another move. It seems to me that if you want him you will have to do something to indicate to him your true feelings. This guy is not going to risk getting hurt without some sort of indication from you that will make him feel safer.
So, what can you do? I guess that is up to you, but one thing that I am wondering about is whether you can talk to the mutual friend. Perhaps you could say that you had been concerned with your friend because he had stood you up a few times. And then go on to say that you relalise that you have feelings for the friend, and that you miss his company when upon don't see him.....if you can be open and honest about your feelings, it would probably be better.
Or better, maybe you see can your friend and talk in person or email him. Maybe you could say that ' I know that when we kissed a few weeks ago I made jokes about it meaning nothing, but the truth was that I was afraid to admit my true feelings. And now I am missing the fact that we don't catch up anymore... I would really like to see more of you... Bla blah blah. '
I know that this probably sounds like a risky move to make, but what do you have to loose. You have already said that it has gone on too long. You litterally have everything to gain and nothing to loose. And also, if there is no hope for a relationship it is better to know now than to let it drag on for another 5 years... I guess the other option is to wait and pray, but that doesn't seem very satisfying, I have a good feeling that this can be sorted out....

[HeartIsAching]

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[steviej]

Wow, 3 years of that nonsense. Put yourself out of your own misery, go for it. If he rejects you then he's blown it, MOVE ON. Don't hang around in limbo, you're 29, these games are for kids.

[Branwen]

Thank you, everyone. I definitely will talk to him, and try to put his mind at rest as best I can. When this conversation will take place I have no idea- he's cancelled our plans so many times lately that I'm now very reluctant to attempt to make yet another one (so if his intention was to push me away, he's definitely succeeded). I'm going to have to give it some time and wait until he feels that the situation has diffused, in case he just backs off again. The truth is, I'm running out of patience in quite a big way. Perhaps I need to tell him that.

[Cerby]

Its funny that people will put themselves through this for years when they could know the answer in a 60 second conversation. The common excuse is "I don't want to risk the friendship", when the reality is, you're not actually getting what you want from this person, so it's not really a friendship at all...