Just curious if this is normal?
Should I be going out more or trying to get out there and date to feel better? I feel like when I do that and things go terribly wrong, it only makes me feel worse..
You can check my posting history for the full story but in a nutshell:
-We met,love at first sight, there were red flags, I got pregnant really early and had an abortion
-He cheated on me multiple times and always blamed it on my abortion
-I broke up with him a 100 times and he always begged me back
-The last time I broke up with him he met another woman, got her pregnant right away,they moved in together and had the baby 3 months ago
I have no idea what goes on in his life since I deleated every trace of him and contact. I deleated all the photos and all the memories.. I even threw all the jewelry in the garbage. This other woman is wearing my old engagement ring and living with him and his son (from his previous marriage) in some apartment next to his ex-wife.. that's the last news I got about them before I decide to cut off the source of news as well.
For a while I was ok.. I had a couple of rebounds and then I felt like I could be single and be ok. I met this guy who I dated for 2months and he ended up leaving me to get back with his ex... before I took new guy off my facebook, I saw all kinds of photos of him and his ex back together and happy.. they went on vacations, and to fancy dinners,and adventures together..it reminded me of my ex and I and it made me jealous and bitter all over again. I was jealous that they got back together and made it work and my ex was having a baby with new baby-mama...that esp hurt because of my abortion. That's when the healing came to a stop.
The past few months I've been ok again. Just working out a lot and looking great. Been training for salsa competitions and started my first career day job..things seemed like they were looking up.. but lately I've been having urges to look up my ex-fiancee again..when will it end?? I looked him up on facebook and it hurt sooo much to see him holding his new baby girl.. esp since I want a baby (but the proper way with marriage first and a plan....he was always against that) Everyone tells me his baby mama is not pretty but I find her pretty.. I think it's partly because I'm hurting because there are times when I feel ok and suddenly she doesn't seem pretty to me anymore...
Lastly, my ex always begged me in the past to be friends after the break-up and I refused..it was too hard.. now I regret it.. he was such a big part of my life for so long that I feel like being friends would have helped me deal with the "withdrawal"..is that true? I just didn't want to make things easier for him ... I wanted him to suffer for me after he cheated (again) just months before our wedding date...and he suffered his way into another girl's pants is what he did...so much for that plan :S
Now I'm feeling great again for some time..and then the past few nights I've been having dreams about us kissing passionately like we did when we first met.. I forgot all the awful things he did and I've been thinking about the beginning a lot... I started panicking and writing down all the bad stuff over and over but it only works for a few weeks until I relapse again... He was a liar, a manipulator, an obnoxious narcissist, a cheat, disrespectful, violent when drunk, had no respect for women, criminal record (from the past), couldn't keep a job, he got to the point where he never kissed me, his mother was a cruel, evil woman..and his son always came first when he wasn't partying that is... yet I only remember how bad he wanted a baby and how he begged me not to abort, and how he bought a house for us (which he lost due to not paying his bills) and how he proposed, and the tattoos we got as a symbol of forever, and all the vacations he took me on..and the amazing sex-life...and I feel incredibly guilty. ugh I still feel guilty
Why is this happening to me? Should I have broken up with him in a different way? Am I just lonely? How can I be SO STRONG..and then have a dream and wake up almost feeling like he's beside me after not thinking of him for weeks..this can't be normal.
I really need some advice...