Never saw it coming.

[Twiz]

I realized, The funny thing is, in the beginning of the relationship, I didn't have a worry or doubt. I wasn't insecure, I didn't mind what he did, I wasn't suspicious or always looking for his attention. When bad things started happening, when I felt disrespected and lied to, when he'd call me names or do things I felt not as important or that he didn't care as much, that's when I started to get more sensitive.

I don't know what's going on in his mind, though at this point I don't care to know or would be afraid to haha. It's a kick in the ass cause he ended it right before what would have been 2 years together, literally there was 4 days til then at the time. I also had just gotten a prom dress, had it altered and everything for HIS senior prom (he's 18, still a senior in high school I was a freshmen in college this year and stuck with him). Now I have this beautiful red dress and I have to sell it because I can't wear it to anything. The dress was so nice too :/. Which reminds me how I could have been awful and dumped him for someone my own age or older since I was in college, a whole new school with waaaaay more guys but I was loyal despite guys having interest I stayed with him. He ended it at the worst time too cause that week I had my finals, though I pulled through and did well! He's the oddest guy cause even before he starts college and even if he figured "I wanna meet more chicks!" (which I don't know if he was thinking that, he was never into partying or random hook ups and never talked to any other girls when I was with him. He ended it in April anyway, that's a long time to wait for sex if he was thinking he'd meet more girls, so I don't know) he could have been with me the whole summer and still had a girl! Not like I'd want to be used like that, but even I don't get his logic. He told me he just doesn't want to be with anyone, he doesn't want a serious relationship. He told me how "People were asking me things about my future like college and a job and what I'd do with my girlfriend and I burned out and didn't want to do any of it anymore. I'm not ready for the next stage like college, a job, a serious relationship. I want to take my life slower". Ever since he went to some college meeting about transferable classes at his community college he was acting very strange. Maybe it all hit him then, I'll never know. But he wasn't exactly acting like himself, and even the posts I saw on his facebook before I had to delete him (for my own sake, not to be vengeful, I wanted to stop myself from even going on his page and seeing things) he wasn't even writing like himself either. He had one conversation with someone on his wall and the way he was typing wasn't like anything he'd typically write. I don't know what's going on with him. Well, for whatever reason he decided to end it, I've accepted it for some time now since and have been working on moving on.

In my time with out talking to him it gave me time to reflect anyway. Truth is, I had questioned a few times if I had wanted to be with my ex during the relationship based on other situations that'd happen or how I'd be treated. I don't know why I was so devastated then when he ended it when deep down I had doubts myself regarding if he was right for me.

Ironically I made a list of "good" and "bad" qualities about him like 3 weeks before he broke up with me. I think apart of me was questioning if I was really happy too and if I had wanted to be with him, things had felt kinda different, not the same since the beginning, though when I originally made the list I thought "I wonder if I am being too dramatic? Maybe it's just a rough patch we could work out" but many times I had mentioned my concerns before to him and he was still being nice to me and acting like everything was fine so I forgot about this list I made and went on still feeling kinda odd, still a little extra sensitive than usual, more emotional, I didn't quite feel like I was acting like myself, but he was making me think/feel like it was all ok, like nothing bad would have happened.

But then something bad DID happen. He dumped me. For whatever reason I am still not quite so positive on. I felt guilty like it had been my fault, but I realized I can't blame myself. If he had loved me, despite if he had an issue with how I was acting, or had concerns about the relationship, he could have talked to me first before this decision or at least tried to work it out. But he didn't, he did what he thought was right. And I shouldn't worry anymore about him, what he thinks, or the situation because it's over.

My list had only 2 good things listed, and then the "bad" side had, no lie, 19 things listed.

Thinking back on it all I think that maybe it's a good thing and in the long run it wouldn't have really worked out anyway. I wanted to be treated better, many times I felt things weren't fair in the relationship, or how he'd treat me wasn't the best. So I am starting to see it as a positive thing. Now I can find someone better down the road.

[IndiReloaded]

Hang in there Twiz. You'll be okay, just be kind to yourself and give it time. In a month, you'll be laughing about what a jerk he was and thanking your lucky stars its over.