Can't stop ruminating about this confusing breakup!

[meep90]

Sorry for such a long post:

I'm 25m, my ex-gf is 23, we dated for 6 months. I'm trying to make sense of the relationship so I can learn from it, but its very difficult.

My girlfriend came over a few weekends ago and broke up with me citing that the past couple weeks hadn't been so great, and because she felt we were "too different" and that she didn't like the way she was talking to me and "resented me". She said she wasn't herself and that she was stressed out from moving into the city, etc. She said I was a great guy and awesome boyfriend, but obviously there may be other reasons for why she broke up with me. I agreed and we parted ways amicably. She came back 3 days later, truly regretting breaking up, and she tried to mend it, but I stood my ground and she got upset, and we ended things worse than before (against my wishes). I am still not entirely sure totally why she broke it off, but I wonder if her reasons were innocent (stress, etc) and whether she truly made a mistake breaking up. If so, I feel bad pushing back so hard at the end.

It was my first serious relationship, and I was always giving her the benefit of the doubt, even though my initial intuitions were a little worrisome. I did really like her and was proud to call her my girlfriend. I think I was sweet to her, but I found her to be controlling, even with her friends. She could be very sweet and would get me gifts, and often was patient with my shortcomings, but other times she would be in a really bad mood, and would be rude to me, most annoyingly in front of others. She sometimes tried to censor me when I talked, which was annoying, but I never stood up for myself. My family said she was "not warm" and "intimidating" but I still really liked her, and I believe her friends and family really liked me. I am not perfect myself, but this is my intuition. I never really confronted her too much.

I felt like we weren't a "team" in front of other people, we didn't play off of each other, but rather I would have to stand guard against her sometimes. I told her this when we tried to reconcile, but she thought perhaps this was because of my own insecurities, moods, etc, which has some validity, but she also owned up to her own issues like taking her bad moods out on people close to her. In the end, I feel like I need to make sense of this, and try to learn from the experience, but its confusing to me to think about whether my intuition was correct about her, or whether I acted incorrectly. I need to learn from this, but its proving tough.

In the end, it ended in a very confusing way:

She came back 3 days after breaking up with me, and that's when I stood up for myself and explained how I felt I had been treated. She said that this wasn't like the other breakups that had often been a "relief" and that we should essentially fix things. She left the reconciliation attempt feeling pretty sour, and I felt a little pressured and gave her some mixed signals about getting back together, even though I needed more time to think. She gave me some feedback on my concerns, and told me some things that I could have improved upon as well. She gave me some feedback on that sometimes I shut down when I'm upset, that sometimes my feelings may have not made sense, I have the tendency to talk and say things that I don't think about possibly having an effect on her (which is true and I regret), etc. A few times I've innocently said something or criticized something not directly about her without really thinking about how it impacted her. Perhaps she was right, and this is all fair. She did take responsibility for a lot of the issues in our relationship, however, and promised to work on them. Still, it was mostly me listing the concerns, which I am sad that she wasn't expecting this or wasn't ready to respond. I feel bad about this.

The next day I hadn't yet called her, and got a text saying that she felt she had been dropped. I called immediately and told her that I was still very upset and had been crying alot and was emotional from being broken up with. She yelled at me for "sh*tting on her" the previous day. I explained that I was trying to get my concerns out, and she said that she would try and work on them. I told her that by breaking up with me, she instilled some doubts in me. I do suppose I let a lot out the previous night, but I had to get it out and be honest. In the end, I suggested we take it slow, think about things, and that if she wanted we could get lunch the coming weekend, but she said "no way I'm throwing away the previous 6 months" maybe because she felt like I was too unsure of US. I told her not to forget why she broke up with me, which she said she regret. She felt bad that I hadn't called her as soon as I had promised the earlier day, and implied that I wasn't the only one going through the breakup, and to consider her feelings as well. I said "let's not end this badly" and she said "too bad" and hung up. I haven't heard back in a couple weeks.

I am conflicted about whether I was too harsh when she came back, and of course, I keep ruminating about whether I didn't act correctly during our relationship, or during our breakup. Especially since she put herself out there when she tried to get back together, and I may have gone too harsh on her in the end, and didnt give her a chance.

[smackie9]

You standing up for yourself was probably the first time, and well she got defensive as usual, and "resented" you again. She is abusive, controlling manipulative. She has issues, maybe bad PMS, but she needed to see that she is the one that is the problem in this relationship and not you. Hats off to you to not let her push you around. If she is that scambled brained that she can't properly communicate troubling things to you in an adult manner, then there is no point in staying in such a relationship. It's only 6 months and with good relationships, they don't have problems to this level. Sometime you think it's great but when you ignore what has truly being going on, and how you are being treated, it catches up to you and bind sides you. I feel she is fighting with her feeling for you...possibly that honeymoon phase of your relationship is stating to fade, and she is realizes she is not finding to be the guy she thought you were and she is acting out. Doesn't it feel like she wants you to transform into someone you are not? Sorry but relationships will come and go in your life. There is nothing wrong with walking away and seeking out someone that will treat you better. You will know it when you meet her, and you will wonder why you even went out with your ex and see how wrong she was for you.

[Jason333]

When you meet her, you will know it, you will want to know why you are still with your former, see her to you is how mistakes.

[smackie9]

When you meet her, you will know it, you will want to know why you are still with your former, see her to you is how mistakes.

Stop copying my s hit. Go the f uck away you spammer!

[meep90]

What I'm upset at myself for is that I never told her how I felt. This is what she suggested when she tried to get back together with me. I told her that I was afraid that if we were to be more communicative, we would just end up arguing alot. She promised me we wouldn't argue. I'm not sure whether this is because I believe that she actually is too argumentative, or whether its because I am just too quiet about this sort of thing. Man this really screwed with my head. We had an argument once earlier in the relationship because i wasnt really opening up too much.

[Jason250]

It blows my mind

[meep90]

Not really sure what that means...

[smackie9]

they are spamming. Whoever this is they don't speak english so they just throw odd comments and hide the spam with the post....they put it into the image so it only shows in your email subscription. I have placed many complains to the admin but they are never around.

[smackie9]

What I'm upset at myself for is that I never told her how I felt. This is what she suggested when she tried to get back together with me. I told her that I was afraid that if we were to be more communicative, we would just end up arguing alot. She promised me we wouldn't argue. I'm not sure whether this is because I believe that she actually is too argumentative, or whether its because I am just too quiet about this sort of thing. Man this really screwed with my head. We had an argument once earlier in the relationship because i wasnt really opening up too much.

You are just being a guy. Girls get wiggy if you don't "express your feelings". It's stupid because they don't understand that guys are wired differently and don't spend too much time on "feelings". She is just being emotional and well you can't help the way you are. Girls do finally clue in as they get older and mature......that is why the young ones are full of drama half the time. Sometimes it's just not worth the hassle if you have walk on eggshells all the time wondering if you are saying the right thing at the right time.

[meep90]

Thanks. It sucks to have ended things so confusingly. I didnt want to end things on bad terms, its just not my style.

[smackie9]

When you say "it's not my style" tells me you are not to blame for any of this. She was the one who ended things confusingly not you. I say she is manipulative, likes to turn things around and make you feel like a piece of crap. I doubt very highly you could have said the right thing to her ever....she would have found something wrong no matter what. When I hear stuff like this it makes me wonder if it's a case of her being bi-polar or manic.

To me you seem like a nice guy that got caught up with a manipulative bi tch that isn't happy unless there is drama in her life. Push you to the limits, then try to pull you back in, like this break up.

You should be happy that you are finally out of her clutches and can breath again. You will look back at this and ask yourself "why the hell did I put up with that crazy bi tch".

[James12]

it is amazing!

[meep90]

I suppose you're right. The hardest part is thinking that I did something to make her this way during our relationship. It was my first relationship, and we're different people, and she definitely helped me out along the way which I am very appreciative of. The whole thing is just so confusing. How can someone break up with you citing all sorts of issues without wanting to talk things over and come back 3 days later!? It makes me doubt myself, unfortunately.