Hi,
As my first post in the forum I find it hard to talk about my feelings. Well being a man, 23 years old and in a tricky situation I feel it's good to talk about things, I don't usually do this online relationship stuff but something told me to join this forum and see what happens, maybe I can meet someone that can understand me, or relate to how im feeling
THE STORY
I have been with my girlfriend almost 2 years, I do love her but she says she can't feel the all too elusive "spark" anymore. To be honest Im pretty fed up. The only serious relationship I can count myself in was my ex before my current girlfriend. ( Ill talk about the exes of my past first)
The PAST, THE EXES AND HOW IT AFFECTED ME
In the past, my ex, She was just bad news, selfish and she only wanted to see me on her terms plus it was a long distance thing. It hurt me, because I flew all the way overseas to meet her and on the second night of being there she threw me out. Said she wasnt sure if it was going to work so I had to go, she didn't care where, was worried what her friends would think of me etc. I had to stay in an airport overnight for an emergency flight home. It really damaged me, I'm a pretty tough guy but my next flight was almost a day away and my credit card wouldn't work out there, I was dead broke with nothing but a plane ticket home. Weak hungry and dehydrated.
I admit I cried for a bit then felt empty, I have been on the bad side of women many times before my ex I had my first relationship that lasted a month with an 18 year old girl that had little maturity, in the end telling me she "kissed a girl" because she wanted to see how it felt and because we were going thru difficulty.
After both these experiences with exes I cut them of completely, no phone, no Facebook, nothing.
I hated these girls for what they did to me and I felt they still expected me to still be friends as and when they wanted.
I still haven't quite understood or got over the pain of how certain women can treat you as a man, all these experiences have been negative in the end.
I wear my heart on my sleeve I'm a proud and a tough person, focused, but this sort of knocked my focus, I have never been the same.
PRESENT DAY & THE PROBLEMS NOW
So after that I met my new girlfriend, she is 25, I'm 23. I love her a lot, even though she is not perfect either, she admits she is sarcastic and bossy, but I do love her, she has been good to me and I have finally felt that I have met a good woman finally worthy of my respect and admiration. I have just finished university and got a 1st class degree, the highest possible, it has put a strain on my relationship but I made a commitment to study before I met her and had to see it through on principle. I did it for us in the hopes I can be a good man and look after my woman and put food on the table with a good job.
So far in this recession I have not found a job, (its early days I know as i finished university in February this year) but I have been depressed because of this, my girlfriend has found a job her friend sent her and deep down I feel useless, like I can't provide for my own woman, I want to be able to have a house and a car and provide for my family as a man should but I just feel useless and depressed, to suppress this I have been taking St Johns Wort tablets a natural form of antidepressant and it really seems to have worked, im not suicidal just down.
The news keeps talking about 4 million unemployed in the UK and it adds a dampener on things, I don't want to be stuck indoors with no one but my dog for company trying to get more clients for my business or find work.
My girlfriend says that I focus and talk too much about my work and trying to establish my Buisness than being romantic and she says it is straining things, she often complains because she has a car and I'm failed my test. I'm still taking lessons and am ready for my test now but it still seems a strain, that added with no major money coming in makes things difficult.
She says she cants see the spark anymore, it's gone. She doesn't want to hug or kiss or hold my hand. She says let's give it a month, this just reminds me of the past, and my exes and it hurts, part of me wants to cut her off too but I love her and I'm hoping at the end of this month she will change her mind, I just booked £135 theatre tickets for us to go this Wendsday, money that I don't really have, but I'm hoping she will realise because my studies are over, I'm serious and want a future and can try and work towards it.
But part of me is scared history will repeat and she will say, no I can't feel it lets just be friends, because i will flip and just cut her off as a safety mechanism, I already deleted her of Facebook, I told her why because I needed space. But the real reason I avoided save another argument it was because:
She kept talking about how men would try chat her up and how stupid they were on her statuses and she commented on a pic her mum took in the shopping centre of some random topless men saying "Hello Boys x" it really pissed me off because if u are going thru difficulty you try and talk it through not do childish stupid things like that, after all when we were happy she never did that :
I just don't want all this to be a waste or I'll give up on women for good and just become a recluse or something. Im trying to keep a brave face, but I never really had many friends to talk to about my problems or people that could cheer me up.
I hope at least someone can say something to make things better.. Because it's pretty hard to stay focused with all these emotions going on...