Hi everyone. Just needed to talk somewhere. I pretty much know what needs to be done, but it feels so much better to write out crap that hurts. So here we go. Two days ago I confessed my feelings to my best friend of 10 years. He and I had a past many years ago (back in 2004 off and on until 2006. We were never official. Just a beautiful disaster) that was intense, but we never worked out because we were both so young, naive, and wanted more experiences. We remained friends. I don't have a lot of girl pals, mainly guy friends, and so he was always my number one when it came to getting advice about the men I've dated, problems at work, etc... it was like we were able to switch off the romance just fine and be able to continue to be in each others lives as just friends.
Fast forward to this year. For the past few months, I've had a change of feelings. It mainly started happening when he began dating a girl from his work. He would treat her so well and was a gentleman, but she would treat him like crap (she had a horrible ex and so was still emotionally damaged from that). I've met her, and I think she is a very nice girl and is awesome to hang out with, but I can see how she isn't at all on the same level as him. She's even told him "I'm not looking for a relationship, at all. Not ready to." Well, about a month ago, it was finally said that they wouldn't work out and to just remain friends. I felt bad for him, but I also knew it would be for the best considering he's really wanting a relationship and she still needs time to heal from her past. So they stopped hanging out all the time and would only see each other once or twice every two weeks and only meet up for lunch or dinner when she was in between work and school. Otherwise, she has continued going out to bars and clubs with her friends without him.
Now on to May 15th. My feelings for him at this point have been bubbling up for quite some time that I was about ready to burst. I confided in my sister and another friend who both know my situation in great detail and have both told me I should tell him, straight up. I suck at speaking when I am incredibly nervous and can never get out what I want to say, so I decided to write him a letter on exactly how I feel. I told him that I know life is complicated at the moment, but that I needed to speak out to him. I was in no way expecting anything from him, but that if there were such feelings possibly there for me, that I would love nothing more than to try and see where things may possibly go. If not, I would hope that he didn't think less of me and that I would back off, and everything would stay the way they've been. I would rather have him in my life as a friend than nothing at all.
Well I must say, that day was such a mind funk. Although it didn't turn out in my favor, I couldn't have asked a better man... a better best friend to tell this to. Even though I feel very bummed and heart broken, he treated it so well. He told me he still has a lot of things he has to work out and that he appreciates everything I wrote. He won't think of me differently nor treat me differently. He still calls me on his lunch breaks, or just because, and treats me as if nothing happened. I still can't help but feel depressed, though. I feel worse than how I did when I broke up with my ex boyfriend last year. You know that good ol' saying "If you love something, let it go." Yeah. I just know that my friend means too much to me and I'm going to have to suck it up. These feelings of feeling down in the dumps is normal and will pass in due time. I'm just proud of myself for telling him. Who knows, maybe it just isn't our time now and in the future it may be. Or not. Either way, life is too short to stay stuck and sad.
Wow, it felt so good to write that all out. Cheers to love, everyone.