Contemplating ending a 4 year relationship

[GJtoi]

Hi guys, it's my first post here, and I really don't enjoy talking to my friends about my love life issues so I appreciate whatever help I can get. I apologize ahead of time for the long post, it's just our history is important to understand the situation

history on my relationship...
We started hooking up around 2008 when I was 20 and he was 21 for a short period of time, then we ended it and went back to our exes. During this long hiatus, he has a kid and they break up shortly after due to their differences. Months after they break up, I end my relationship and we start hooking up again.

It gets contemplated because months into our rekindled relationship, he tries to hook up with a coworker, which to my knowledge, wasn't a successful venture. I end it, and then he comes crawling back for more...lonely me takes the bait and goes back into this relationship. Months later we finally become official, shortly after I start talking to my ex again because I'm depressed with how the relationship is going because we don't really communicate and he doesn't really take the time to spend with me, so I seek for what's missing with my ex. I never tried to hook up with him, I just used him for comfort. A short while later, my ex gets pissed that Im using him, calls my bf and tells him what's gone down, however I never cheated, I was just talking to him behind my bf's back. We talk it over and we get past the situation...So now a few months pass by and he strikes again, and tries to hook up with a different girl behind my back, which to my knowledge was also unsuccessful. Never met the girl, the information just went down a string of people and finally got to me.We end things, a few months pass, he comes crawling back when I'm depressed and lonely, and this time he actually seems remorseful, and stupid me takes the bait.

So we fast forward to the present, two years later. He is now 25 and I'm 24, and he has finally grown up. He has a successful career now and his daughter is now three years old. I have whipped him into shape, and his friends, coworkers, and parents have all mentioned that he's finally grown up, greatly matured, and is no longer a douchebag like he was in the past. He is an amazing boyfriend NOW and our lives just revolve around each other. I would say that this relationship would be PERFECT had we not had our shaky past.

Now the problem....
I am not one to easily forget things, so when he asked for me back I said I'll try to put it past me but I don't think I'll be able to forget what's happened. Years later, not a day goes by where the past hasn't crossed my mind. I still cry from time to time about it. To make matters worse, I still work with that first girl, so I have a constant reminder of what has happened. Lately I've been strong enough to just deal with it, but because I'm dealing with it, I still haven't found happiness. To make matters worse, girl number two happens to pop into my place of work last week and I can't help but feel that it's a sign. I want this relationship to work so badly, because it would be perfect if we didn't have this baggage.

So basically during these two years, I've fallen in love with him, yet I'm unhappy, and now it feels like its more than ever. I feel bad that I've sucked him into this relationship, and because of me, he's lost contact with his friends because we've put so much effort into us. I feel stupid for being weak before and not ending it when I did, however because of me, he's become a much better person.

I've already expressed my concerns with him, and he's even willing to pay for counseling to make it work, because he wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with me, however I can't foresee my state of mind improving. Its one of those thing where your heart wants to stay, but your mind is saying its a bad idea.

Should I keep trying and drag him along to this possibly hopeless cause or should I end things and find happiness elsewhere?

Thanks guys.

[Esther20]

many thanks

[smackie9]

Try the counseling for a bit....maybe you will see why you are in such a slump and see if there is any guidance from them( counselor) that you could work with, then make your decision.