need help about realistic expectations in a 3yr relationship,please any advice

[sunnybeachgirl]

hiya,its my first time to post a question like this and i would appreaciate any advice at all.i have been seeing my boyfriend for 3years now,im a single mum with a 4 1/2 year old daughter and generaly we all get on very well,im 27 and my boyfriend is 24.he lives nealy 70 miles away so we mostly see each other when my daughter goes to her dads 2 days a week and maybe a extra day or so depending on our schedules,i like being indapendant and having days apart and generally the relationship is great but......and heres the big but.....my boyfriend still wants to travel. he is currently in collage and will be for next 3 years so living together is not a option and he says during school holidays he wants to spend time traveling just cause i have a kid and cant go doesnt mean he should miss out,he has already gone away for a month interrailing around europe last year and we got through it but it was horrible being the one left at home and not know what he was doing or who he was with,now he is talking about spending a few years saving and going to the states after collage for 3-6 months of fun,he expects me to be just waiting for him back home.i dont want to be a bitch and ruin his dreams of travel but im just not up for being left like that,i dont understand how he would want to leave me,we go on regular holidays of up to 2weeks away on our own and i dont see why we cant just have lots of holidays together instead of him going off with his mates and getting up to god knows what,please can someone tell me am i being reasonable here or not????would anyone out there be ok with this arrangement?its a huge issue for me and it keeps coming up in fights,i just dont understand why he would want to go on these huge lifechanging adventures without the girl he loves????pleae help and thank you in advance

[dem862]

He wants his adventures AND he want his relationship with you. Right now, he has both. He is not going to choose without a reason. Apparently, your bitching and whining are not reason enough. That being said, I don't think he is unreasonable for wanting to travel. It is a lot of fun, and when people settle down with a family and bills, those opportunities evaporate. Besides being fun, travel helps to make a person a more experienced, interesting and well-rounded individual. I sense you are jealous because you now have to live with the consequences of your past decisions, and you cannot enjoy the life that he can. So you think he should sacrifice for your sake. You two have major incompatibilities. He is not ready to settle down right now. You seem to have trust issues with him and some insecurities. You could try to make him choose, but either way, one of you will have to sacrifice, which will probably lead to resentment.

[sunnybeachgirl]

thanks i appreaciate your view,i sure hope im not bitching and moaning at him lol its just something that comes up when we have a fight and make me question if we should be together or not,i guess i feel that when ur in a relationship you should have mostly the same goals and be planning towards your life together,iv traveled a bit myself and enjoyed it,he is allready quite well traveled and has been all over the world,your right there is some trust isues but thats because we have discussed things realistically and he doesnt know how well he would cope being away and not giving into temptation,least he is honest.i have also wanted to travel wih my daughter with us but for him this is not a option,he would not be interested in that kind of traveling,im not jelous i have a life here that i love i can not and dont want to give up,a lovely home and animals,horses dogs ect and i want to be a family not just dating someone long term,the age difference sure does come into it.i dont want to stop him from pursueing his dreams either and would hate for him to resent me down the line,im having a battle with myself at the moment,my heart says i love him stay with it and see what happens but my head says were not compatable,and it would be fairer to let him go and find his own path.

[Wakeup]

he expects me to be just waiting for him back home

Well of course he does because that's what you've been doing. Take back your self-respect and dump your glorified booty call for goodness sakes. It's all about him and what he wants and you should just suck it up while you wait for him to screw himself through Europe?

Your call but I'd be wishing him well and getting on with my own "romantic" life because he does not value you much, If he did, you and your daughter would be included in at least some of his travelling plans. I'm surprised you haven't left him already to be honest.

[Boisdevie]

1. Any particular reason why 'he could be getting up to god know what'? In a relationship you either have trust or you don't. My GF is 45 miles away. She could be screwing somebody right now for all I know. But I trust her.
2. Your life is restricted because you have a child. His life is less restricted and he wants to enjoy it
3. If you are not happy with the differences between his expectations and yours then you either:
You fit in with what he wants.
He fits in with what you want.
You both compromise.
And if none of these options are possible then the relationship is over.

[sunnybeachgirl]

@ boisdevie to answer your first point its weird but i feel i trust him now in our usual situation i mean our lives are quite seperate and he goes out clubbing with friends ect and were apart most of the week and i trust him pretty much completely in those situations but i have traveled myself and i know how situations can arrise that you dont plan for,you spend alot of time with someone in new and exciting places and feelings can be confused also its very easy to cheat,no one to catch you out,we have talked very honestly in the past about his travel plans he admited he didnt know if he would be able to stay faithfull or not the first time he went away,that was for 3 weeks,he said he was faithfull and it was easyer than he though it would be but iv allways wondered......i used to trust him completely then i found he had been chatting and flirting very inapropriatly with a girl in america that he used to have a online relationship with.we talked it out,he doesnt talk to her anymore but it left cracks in the trust,i wish i could trust him completely but thats not even the main issue,mostly i just dont understand why its important enough to jepodise our relationship for the sake of travel.i couldnt imagine being away from him for months at a time and just wouldnt want to do it but people are different and complex.the main travel he talks about would be after collage so 3 years from now,we would be together 6 years and instead of planning our life together marrage kids,living together his priority is travel......but also do have to say he does think we will get married and have kids at some stage but allways very far away in his mind.i just dont understand it but im not saying he is in the wrong,im just confused.

[smackie9]

This is just a casual relationship, and it's obvious you need something more committed. The reality of it is that you shouldn't be dating someone like this, nor should you expect him to change for you. You need to snap out of this and realize that you are dating the wrong person. It would be best to say your goodbyes and wish him a safe trip.

[smackie9]

Tip: when people talk of marriage and kids, it's just that talk and should never be taken as a promise...so never place your decisions based on this.

[Wakeup]

just dont understand why its important enough to jepodise our relationship for the sake of travel.i couldnt imagine being away from him for months at a time and just wouldnt want to do it

As I said, you value you him far more than he values you. Don't wait for him, you'll be sorry you did because he is only thinking about himself. You might want to have a discussion with him about where you stand because from an outsider, as smackie says, this is just something casual. I think he fills up his sexy time with you when he's not "travelling."

You know that and you feel that and that is why this thread exists.

... Sorry!

[JasonHJJ]

it is amazing!

[sunnybeachgirl]

@jason whats amazing??ur probably thinking im amazingly stupid,but then love is blind.thanks everyone for the comments,i think ur all right as much as i hate to admit it,its time for one of us to be the grown up and make a decision thats best for both of us,i need a commited relationship and i just dont think he can give me what i need and its not fair on him or me to keep going on like this.its weird iv never been in a situation where i know i should split up with someone that im still mad about,ah it sucks

[Wakeup]

People leave people they still love every day, Sunny. The wife who leaves her alcoholic and/or abusive spouse; the man who got hooked up with a gal with mental issues; the partner of a cheater who can't keep away from the strange; a gal who's bf won't really commit but wants her to wait on the shelp until he deems it's time to take her down as examples. To stay is enabling that person to be the sad case that they are. To stay is to whittle away your own self worth and sense of joy.

No one said it would be easy but to sit around a wait while he goes and plays is just him being selfish and you being put on the shelf until he deems it's time to take you down and start utilizing you again. That's no way to live and for a relationship to be sucessful, both people have to be on the same romantic page. You guys are chapters apart.

You'll be fine. You were doing fine before he stepped into your life for a season and you'll do just fine when he's gone, you've processed the ending and you're ready for your next adventure in dating.

Be well.

P.S. "Jason" and anyone with the word "Jason" in their Screen name is a forum bot. Just ignore the little bastige. :o)