How long does the bachelor phase last?

[headoverheals]

Hi Guys,
I know that everyone is different and I'm not asking for something set in stone. I have a friend who was in a very long term relationship and was practically married. During most of that time, from what I hear, he didn't get to go out all that much with friends and lost a lot of them. The ex didn't enjoy doing a lot of the same things as he did.
Since the end of the relationship, which was over a year ago, he has increasingly grown a small but close knit group of friends that he enjoys doing things with and is rediscovering what "fun" is.
My concern is that my friend is trying to live in the past. He is now 34 but I feel like more and more he acts like he is trying to relive his early 20's. Going out until the middle of the night and coming home after having one too many drinks quite frequently.
He really is a great guy and at the heart of everything he wants to be a family man. Get married, have kids, the whole nine yards. He's got a big heart. I feel bad for him because at his age and stage in life, most of his friends are married and having children. I'd lie if I said I didn't think this bothers him because that's what he wants and a few years ago I don't think he thought he would be in the position he is now. I find that he tends to hang out with a circle of people who are a. single, or b. just dating.
I totally understand that after a long relationship you need time for yourself and you need to just have some fun. How long does this normally last however? I fear that he is trying to get back a time in his life (early 20's) that unfortunately is gone. I guess because I know how much of a settle down and have a family guy he is, I wonder how long it will take for this phase to pass.
I live with him and I worry about him when he doesn't come home until late. I usually don't sleep right until he is home because then I know he is safe. Sometimes I'll text him but in a way I almost feel like I'm over stepping a boundary bc let's face it, he is in his mid 30's and doesn't need to check in to let anyone know when he is coming home. I know that is something he feels strongly about as well because he has verbalized it before. Just wondering if someone who has gone through this knows how these phases tend to work and what is the best way for me to handle it without seeming like I'm trying to "mommy"him.

[surfhb]

Yeah....I went through this phase recently and Im 43. I was married 12 years and had children so i guess you could say i was catching up. It caught up with me in a big way too....with hand cuffs in the back of a patrol car and a DUI. I was on a date too going back to this girls house.

My point is he will get tired of all that soon enough ...especially when he meets someone he really likes. Worry about your own life

[smackie9]

He is an adult and he can worry for himself. I will tell you this he is going to be more cautious about meeting someone new and settling down. His last choice was a terrible mistake and he knows this. He needs this time to rediscover himself, develop new friends, enjoy his interests, maybe find some new ones, and enjoy new experiences......age has nothing to do with this, what 34 and your life is over? I was clubbing at that age and into my 40's. Anyways most go through this stage after a break up. Be happy for your friend that he is out of a dead end relationship and that he isn't sitting around feeling sorry for himself.

[smackie9]

Anyways only time will tell.....he could be at this for 6 months or for years......who knows.

[dem862]

Some guys are lifelong bachelors, so there is no set time frame. After a painful breakup, a guy has to build up confidence to get back in the game. Going out is part of the process. He is doing what he needs to do to get over it. Of course, he is going to hang out with other singles because it is no fun to be single and hang around with couples. It feels like being a fifth tire. It sounds like you suspect he has poor judgment. If I were you, I would examine those feelings to find out whether or not they are justified. If he is indeed exercising poor judgment and putting himself in situations that could be potentially harmful, I think a friend would be justified in pointing it out in a tactful manner. He may or may not appreciate the concern, but you will have done all that you can. Also, I am sensing from your post that you may have feelings for this guy that may be beyond friendship. Have you considered this?

[haxan]

Are you the new, or want to be girlfriend?

[headoverheals]

Some guys are lifelong bachelors, so there is no set time frame. After a painful breakup, a guy has to build up confidence to get back in the game. Going out is part of the process. He is doing what he needs to do to get over it. Of course, he is going to hang out with other singles because it is no fun to be single and hang around with couples. It feels like being a fifth tire. It sounds like you suspect he has poor judgment. If I were you, I would examine those feelings to find out whether or not they are justified. If he is indeed exercising poor judgment and putting himself in situations that could be potentially harmful, I think a friend would be justified in pointing it out in a tactful manner. He may or may not appreciate the concern, but you will have done all that you can. Also, I am sensing from your post that you may have feelings for this guy that may be beyond friendship. Have you considered this?

Yes, I am in love with him. It's long and complicated story. I actually posted about that in the advice section. In this thread I just wanted to gain a sense for this behavior and didn't want to bring the rest into it.

[Boisdevie]

Listen honey, he's a grown man and in his situation any late night texts trying to find out where he is/is he coming home would give me the urge to tell you to f off because it's none of your business. He's 34 and if he wants to party why not. How long will it last? No idea. I know when I came out of a long relationship at the age of 46 I went wild for a while - and it was great fun.

[Wakeup]

Change your name to headonmyshoulders and actually STOP your obesession with this man.. it's making you sound pathetic and alone. Get away from him so you are'nt stalking his every move then find yourself a MAN who actually wants you and will take your mind off the business of others. Sorry to say, but if your friends think like you, then they should be just as worried about you going through this phase as you are about your unrequieted love going through his.

This same advice still applies

Op: I think you should google "rebound relationship" so you'll be prepared. You value him far more than he values you... or so it seems. You see, he's the "prize" in your friends with benefits situ and he pretty much knows it. Mostly what happens when you're not so convenient anymore (when you move away)the urge to hook up become redundant or worse ~ you'll be replaced.

I wish for you that it goes in your favour but I think you would have faired far better with him if you had of kept your friendship sex-free until he's finished completed with the woman he can't seem to just let go. Ya gotta finish with one before the next one can catch.

BTW: I think you're fooling yourself when you say you're fine with waiting for him while he works it out with her and believing his schpeel about "dating you in the future." If you were truly fine, then this thread wouldn't exist and you'd be content having physically without him giving you the emotional catch.

[JasonHJJ]

Thanks for your post.