Why is moving on so terribly hard?

[rylege]

Having been involved with a wonderful woman for a year and both of us being madly in love and talking about marriage. Then I got cold feet, ran off, and ignored her for a year as she tried to get me back. I was just controlled by my unsubstantiated fears. Two years later I realized my mistake and love her dearly. I tried getting her back only to be rejected because she said she felt what I did was beyond repair and that seeing me and hearing from me emotionally destroys her. She is now secretly dating a married man.

Anyway, I've tried dating new women and it just feels wrong! I feel guilty, ashamed and outright undeserving of any affection form another woman. I mean every time I date someone that is interested in me, I feel as though 'What right do I have at a second chance when after all my apologies and getting on my knee and taking all the blame and making a fool of myself proclaiming my love for her and she see's me as NOT WORTH A SECOND CHANCE?'

In addition, possibly giving my love to another even if I am in love with them feels wrong as I will always have love and deep affection for my ex. I have been told by my therapist that it is perfectly normal to feel love for a significant ex and at the same time love someone else. I suppose it gets quarantined in the back of our minds somehow. I now know that moving on really means in my situation is to learn to live without her!

Bottom line, this is really not easy as I am carrying massive guilt for emotionally raking havoc on someone I'll always love and can never be with, and at the same time trying to be a good person with someone new and offer my love to them without feeling like I'm denigrating the memory of my ex.

I don't feel as though I deserve it. Yes! Yes! I know. We all make mistakes. But my mistake was absolutely stupid! I ran from a situation that I was happy in and was perfect for me!! Not sure if I'll ever forgive myself.

[James87]

Thanks for your post.

[rylege]

Thanks for your post.

I'm just trying to figure this whole mess out!

[fashionbraces]

You realized you cared for this woman much too late and she had moved on. When one moves on you've gotta dump your feelings for that person out of your heart, put up a block, and only hold on to one small memory of them that makes you smile and a whole bunch of lessons from when they made you cry. When i get my heart broken this process is between 1 and 6 months, if i held on to something for two years i'd be a ****ing idiot, to be blunt.

So get over her. She's only and ideal to you, she's not the woman you're meant to be with.

Your relationship with the woman you're with now will be destroyed if you keep this attitude. And in two years you might realize that she was the woman for you and start the process again.

You need to snap out of this delusion, and put a nice fresh heart into the relationship you're in now. Notice the small things that she does for you out of affection, and reciprocate. This woman is willing to love and care for you and if you can do the same you may create an amazing bond that turns into a love you can hold onto forever.
Destiny is getting something you never knew you wanted, then realizing you don't want anything else. Try it out.

[caligirl23]

Someone once told me "When it's right, it's ALL right" and I have followed that. If something makes me want to run, it's my instinct telling me to go. Don't look back. It wasn't right for you then and it's not right now because she isn't reciprocating. People grow and maybe if you met her in another time, like now, it would have been different. But, it isn't. Stop beating yourself up. She isn't. And she has moved on. You need to as well. Knowing that you hurt someone is a part of life. Hurting yourself for it is so wrong. You didn't make a mistake. She isn't the one...