1st Post... Unsecure GF need some advice from neutrals

[p0101]

Hello all. I appreciate your time reading this and hopefully helping out. I am new to this and have never done this before – I am a typical man! Just get on with things and don’t ask for any help. This will be a fairly long post as I want to just get everything out. Thanks.

I am 28 and my girlfriend is 38, we have been together for 7 years and we live together in my house, which is mortgaged and paid for by me solely. We have no kids or previous marriages. I work in construction and she doesn’t work but does eBay for some “pocket money”. I recently changed jobs to better myself but meant I had to work away for 6 weeks, coming back on weekends. I was promised one of their positions near to where I live after this period, but to “get my foot in the door” I needed to take this job.

Basically the position near my home has fell through and the rest of their work is stay away. I enjoy the work and am getting paid very well and they are keen to keep me on. To keep our relationship sane I am keen to get a position nearer home now with another company, but there is not much at the minute. I explained to the GF the situation and reassured her it’s just a temporary fix until a decent position is available nearer to home. I understand this is putting a strain on our relationship but she doesn’t want to know. In her eyes I can magically find work at home and be with her. I am also getting accused of lying to her as the initial 6-week stay away period is up and I should now be working at home. Every weekend I get home we have an argument regarding this and I get told I’m selfish, just looking out for myself and that I don’t care about the relationship. Lately I look forward to Monday morning so I can get away. But there is much more to this than just this than just this problem.

When we met 7 years ago I was 21 and she was 31 – she was very easy going, relaxed. I enjoy going out with my mates and enjoy pubs/clubs etc and she had no problem with it. She still is great when things are good and she absolutely adores me – a bit too much at times. However as years passed cracks have appeared as I realised things weren’t right.

I am no angel let’s just get that out there – most of my probs are with partying too much, staying out late, being drunk etc. The GF doesn’t really drink so when I’m out socialising it’s always with my friends away from her. She doesn’t have many friends, her best friend is her mom and prob me. Over the years this dependence on me has grew and I feel like she cannot stand on her own feet. I think its best if I bullet point some of the issues:

- She had breakdown before I met her but she is better now apart from arguments. When we argue badly, she loses the plot and everything is my fault. Comments like “You have made me be like this, it’s all your fault”. She becomes very confrontational and follows me around the house if I try to get away from her. If I leave the house to get away, I’ll have 100 calls from her. She will say then that I am running away from the problem – but when she is in that state there is no reasoning. It makes it hard to walk away from her so often I just sit there silent and take it.

- Her self belief/aspirations. She does eBay more like a hobby than a “business”, mostly selling old clothes or stuff bought from 2nd hand store. This is due to her leaving work following her mini breakdown and hasn’t returned to work since. Her income is minimal after postage/selling fees. I try to tell her this but she goes mad telling me to leave her be. I try to ask her what she wants to do in life and see what job she wants to do. I get told she’s not well enough still for work and brushes off the subject – but I don’t believe it. I pay for my house, bills, food shopping and holidays and never ask for a penny as I believe I have to provide as I’m the man. But there are times I think I am getting took for a fool. Not that she is a “high maintenance, diamond wanting girl” or wants for a lot, it just would be nice if she had a job to help out with the keep or savings etc.

- Her social life. As said she has little close friends and relies on me and her mom for most things. Example: problem with eBay and I am the one calling eBay to sort it out. She is a nice and chatty person when in company, but I find it weird there are no close friends like mine. I love my friends and our social life, which is a lot less frequent now. Lately my GF is starting to resent this now, even though I have calmed down a lot. I think it’s down to me being her “world” and when I’m away from her she has nothing else. Example: I like going to the gym and when I say I’m going at the weekends, she will say I’m being selfish as the weekend’s ‘our time’. Just because I have more of an active life and social life, why am I being selfish – I would love her to go out away from me occasionally, see a film etc, but she won’t – it has to be with me. Also as I go out drinking and partying, this is always the root of her argument, just because she doesn’t do it – but I am still only 28!!!

- Have been planning to go to Australia to work for a few years. She hated the idea from day one but I have told her it is something I have to do in my life and need to do it soon (due to Working Holiday Visa requirements). She has now agreed to the idea but insisted her mom comes. Her mom is only going because my GF has begged her, which I find weird as she is 38! Again for peace of mind I have gone along with it, however whenever we argue lately I am being told by her I am forcing her and her mother to go to Oz!! Not once have I said this, but why the resentment.

- Things in common. Very little. Only go to nice restaurants together and chores like shopping etc. She doesn’t like drinking or clubbing, little interest in films/TV/cinema (opposite to me). Sex life is poor as well, which I know has alarm bells ringing straight away.

Now a lot of you will think just end it, but it isn’t that simple. After our worst arguments I have often said, this is it, the end. I don’t want this anymore. She will either laugh “you can’t get rid of me that easy, you made me like this now you have to deal with me” or breakdown and cry – once even begged me not to leave her. But the same thing happens again and again – we make up after and brush it off. Basically papering over the cracks!

The main factor scaring me is she won’t cope without me. I am afraid I would push her over the edge and into a breakdown again. I don’t know if this is emotional blackmail but I think she never believes it when we fight and I say it’s over, because she thinks I won’t do it. I really don’t know who to talk about it with. How would I bring it up with her mom?!? As this is the person she would turn to as she won’t cope by herself.

She often tells me I will never find anyone like her, someone that loves me so much and “devotes” their life to me. I sometimes think she is right. She is a safe GF, wouldn’t cheat, doesn’t ask for a lot and would settle down. When things are good, I do fall back into the recluse of “being happy”, however it’s less frequent lately due to working away. And I can’t dismiss there are major issues when things aren’t going smooth and I can’t keep taking the blame for it.
Simply I am not happy, and if honest I haven’t been for some time – I guess I have “pretended” or “disillusioned” myself, but haven’t had the balls to do something. I think deep down she must think the same as well, but it’s getting though to her.

[Boisdevie]

You should end this relationship because it's not giving what you what you want, need or deserve. IF she falls apart as a result then that's her problem, not yours. Otherwise you're going to condemn yourself to a pretty shit life.

[celestina]

She often tells me I will never find anyone like her, someone that loves me so much and “devotes” their life to me. I sometimes think she is right. She is a safe GF, wouldn’t cheat, doesn’t ask for a lot and would settle down.

She is right about you never finding anyone else like her, and I sure hope you don't. Dude, with your level of intelligence, sensitivity, and the career you have, you can find someone else to make you 200% happy!

You're thinking of her happiness more than your own. While that's very altruistic, it's not right for yourself. You have all it takes to be 10 times happier, whether that be with her or elsewhere. You have cared for her for so many years and accustomed her to certain standards of living, but this doesn't mean you are responsible for her needs for the rest of your lives. After all, you guys aren't married.

She wants to be a stay at home wife and do nothing but to love you... who needs that kind of love? You don't need someone who "loves you so much and “devotes” their life to you" -- you need someone who loves you just the right amount, and devotes their lives to you BUT ALSO to other importants aspects like social life and career, which she doesn't have. In order to remain healthy, a person needs to evolve within but ALSO outside of the relationship, and right now, she is just stagnating, mentally, emotionnaly, and probably physically as well (poor sex life? hmm...) and she expects you to crumble with her. She is the type of person who could live only on love, but you're not.

So if she can't change all these things that are destroying you and your relationship, then I think you each need to find someone more suitable for your respective needs. You are only 28 for God's sake! There's still lots for you to see, explore, and discover. I can understand why she is insecure and how she is terribly scared to lose you (it must be EXTREMELY hard and annoying and unbearable to have to go look for someone new at 38), but here's the thing : she has lost you since a while ago already... And she should see her fault in it. She expected you to become entirely devoted to her (no gym, no friends, no partying) but you NEVER ever made her any promise or allusion that you would change those things about your lifestyle. She has set these expectations about you on her own, and now she's giving you shit because things didn't turn out the way she wanted them to be.

But still, my good man, YOU are supposed to be having the upper hand here. First of all, she has no right to blame you; if you are in this situation right now, it's just as much your fault as it is hers, 50-50 (let her know that). If anything, she should be grateful that she's had you there to care for her, put a roof over her head, and feed her all this time -- but this good thing cannot last if she has lost the ability to make you happy.

She has made you happy once, so she could do it again if she really wanted to (although I personally don't think she can or will; she's so used to whipping you around now). So if she doesn't change and stop being a selfish, lazy, nagging housewife, you should tell her that she's gone for good. That's it. Coz I think if you had the slightest idea from the beginning that she could turn out this way, you never would've invested yourself in such a relationship.

This woman loves you, sure, but she has no idea what it is to really love someone and to respect them. When you love and respect someone, you help them out with responsibilities, you allow them freedom, you don't make them feel guilty for your own misery, you don't blackmail them... but you strive to make them happy.

So what if this woman is safe, faithful, doesn't ask for much, and would settle down... Many, many girls have these qualities, I can assure you. You need a smart woman with a career and a good heart, who won't take you for granted and who actually has the ability to give you back what you can offer. You know, someone who can win her own life and share that happy life with you and who will be eager to share major responsibilites. And since you move around a lot and are outgoing, you should have no trouble at all meeting new people; besides you have all the time in the world to see and live new things (and you should). You haven't seen enough yet to settle. I say, set yourself free, and set her free at once; for too long you've both been trapped in something that's turning you both into old, bitter, tired, unhappy persons.

Anyway, from your writing, I honestly think that deep down, you are just needing encouragement to leave, and that you just want to break this off as cleanly as possible; it's clear you don't love her all that much anymore, and you just need some help to find a way to leave with a clean conscience, and with minimal pain to her, and without the feeling that you are ruining someone's life. Because you're just not an asshole.

So have a serious talk with her and see if there is any chance of improvement in the relationship. If yes, that's great. If not, then I say it's time to stop delaying the inevitable, and cut things loose. Also, I think a break up will give each of you some clear perspective; if, in the future, you two realize you were good together, then you can always get back together. But I'm 200% sure that you will easily be happier elsewhere once you're out of this.

As to moving her and her mom with you to Australia? That's crazy man. I URGE YOU to reconsider this idea. I dare think you'll be a lot happier there alone.

Good luck with this.

[TeeJay19]

Yeah, I think it's time for you to leave this relationship. I mean, after 7 years of being together I'm sure you care about her a lot, but what exactly are you getting from this relationship? You don't share any common interests, your sex life is poor, she's not pulling her weight financially and she's holding you back from the kind of life you want to lead. You said yourself you're not happy.

Don't worry about her not being able to handle it. Sure she might flip initially given her background, but in the long run it's in her best interest too. Wouldn't you rather her be with someone she's more compatible with?

Do yourselves both a favour and end it.

[Cerulean.]

Celestina... my goodness. I read another post you responded to and it was brilliant, and this one is just insanely brilliant. I 100% agree with what you had to say.

OP, this is coming from a person who has a lot of health issues. I was in a somewhat similar situation as your GF in the sense that I couldn't work for a little while due to intense stress and stomach problems, and I was living with a boyfriend who was a bit demanding and not understanding. Although, I must point out that he never had to help pay for any of my bills. Any way, point being, I NEVER... EVER... wanted him to stop his social life or working long hours just because I was in a bit of a health rut. If anything, I had to cancel different events with friends due to needing to stay home to get better, but I encouraged him to go out and have fun all the time. The relationship didn't last, to say the least... I ended it, but boy do I feel better getting out of that because he and I did not work together. Now, I'm way less stressed and have a job again, about to start photography school and have a great head on my shoulders about life.

Point being. Your GF needs to woman up and find a way to take care of herself. She can't expect a man to make her happy and "save" her. I would feel so guilty if I were your GF and you were paying all the bills, my food, everything. She should damn well be understanding of your work schedule and be patient and supportive. You have done WAY more than too much for her and my goodness, she needs to find a life that doesn't only involve you. I'd feel so suffocated if I were in your shoes. I commend you for all the years you've put up with this crap. She has a lot to learn and she's almost 40. You really need to think to yourself, is this truly what you want to live like for the rest of your life? Or do you want to break it off and living life the way YOU want to and find someone who will better suit you? It's unhealthy for you, and don't feel bad for her. If anything, you are helping her to learn to not be so dependent on someone. Good luck.

[celestina]

Let her know that if you guys break up, you would still be willing to help her out financially until she gets back on her feet. This is the least you can do not to abandon her completely.

And, you've mentioned maybe talking to the mother about it? That doesn't sound like such a bad idea... If the lady has some wisdom and common sense in her, maybe she will be able to reason her daughter a bit, if no one else can...

Up to you.

[Boisdevie]

Let her know that if you guys break up, you would still be willing to help her out financially until she gets back on her feet. This is the least you can do not to abandon her completely.

Why? This woman has been living at his expense for years and he should just carry on to soften the blow? Bollocks to that. He owes her nothing, nada, rien.

[celestina]

Why? This woman has been living at his expense for years and he should just carry on to soften the blow? Bollocks to that. He owes her nothing, nada, rien.

Of course he owes her nothing, and it's up to him if he wants to help her out financially following an eventual break-up, because he worries about whether or not she will be able to cope with it. He will want to minimize her pain, as she is an extremely vulnerable woman, and I think that offering her some financial help is a good idea because she will not feel completely abandoned while he wouldn't be subject to any more emotional link to her. It will also make it clear to her that his mind is made up and that he wants out; she will not take his words so lightly anymore nor will she laugh in his face then.

[celestina]

If he does decide to break up and he has the coldheartedness to kick her out without a penny, well then, it's his decision; after all, he is the best judge when it comes to what kind of break up she deserves.