Hello all. I appreciate your time reading this and hopefully helping out. I am new to this and have never done this before – I am a typical man! Just get on with things and don’t ask for any help. This will be a fairly long post as I want to just get everything out. Thanks.
I am 28 and my girlfriend is 38, we have been together for 7 years and we live together in my house, which is mortgaged and paid for by me solely. We have no kids or previous marriages. I work in construction and she doesn’t work but does eBay for some “pocket money”. I recently changed jobs to better myself but meant I had to work away for 6 weeks, coming back on weekends. I was promised one of their positions near to where I live after this period, but to “get my foot in the door” I needed to take this job.
Basically the position near my home has fell through and the rest of their work is stay away. I enjoy the work and am getting paid very well and they are keen to keep me on. To keep our relationship sane I am keen to get a position nearer home now with another company, but there is not much at the minute. I explained to the GF the situation and reassured her it’s just a temporary fix until a decent position is available nearer to home. I understand this is putting a strain on our relationship but she doesn’t want to know. In her eyes I can magically find work at home and be with her. I am also getting accused of lying to her as the initial 6-week stay away period is up and I should now be working at home. Every weekend I get home we have an argument regarding this and I get told I’m selfish, just looking out for myself and that I don’t care about the relationship. Lately I look forward to Monday morning so I can get away. But there is much more to this than just this than just this problem.
When we met 7 years ago I was 21 and she was 31 – she was very easy going, relaxed. I enjoy going out with my mates and enjoy pubs/clubs etc and she had no problem with it. She still is great when things are good and she absolutely adores me – a bit too much at times. However as years passed cracks have appeared as I realised things weren’t right.
I am no angel let’s just get that out there – most of my probs are with partying too much, staying out late, being drunk etc. The GF doesn’t really drink so when I’m out socialising it’s always with my friends away from her. She doesn’t have many friends, her best friend is her mom and prob me. Over the years this dependence on me has grew and I feel like she cannot stand on her own feet. I think its best if I bullet point some of the issues:
- She had breakdown before I met her but she is better now apart from arguments. When we argue badly, she loses the plot and everything is my fault. Comments like “You have made me be like this, it’s all your fault”. She becomes very confrontational and follows me around the house if I try to get away from her. If I leave the house to get away, I’ll have 100 calls from her. She will say then that I am running away from the problem – but when she is in that state there is no reasoning. It makes it hard to walk away from her so often I just sit there silent and take it.
- Her self belief/aspirations. She does eBay more like a hobby than a “business”, mostly selling old clothes or stuff bought from 2nd hand store. This is due to her leaving work following her mini breakdown and hasn’t returned to work since. Her income is minimal after postage/selling fees. I try to tell her this but she goes mad telling me to leave her be. I try to ask her what she wants to do in life and see what job she wants to do. I get told she’s not well enough still for work and brushes off the subject – but I don’t believe it. I pay for my house, bills, food shopping and holidays and never ask for a penny as I believe I have to provide as I’m the man. But there are times I think I am getting took for a fool. Not that she is a “high maintenance, diamond wanting girl” or wants for a lot, it just would be nice if she had a job to help out with the keep or savings etc.
- Her social life. As said she has little close friends and relies on me and her mom for most things. Example: problem with eBay and I am the one calling eBay to sort it out. She is a nice and chatty person when in company, but I find it weird there are no close friends like mine. I love my friends and our social life, which is a lot less frequent now. Lately my GF is starting to resent this now, even though I have calmed down a lot. I think it’s down to me being her “world” and when I’m away from her she has nothing else. Example: I like going to the gym and when I say I’m going at the weekends, she will say I’m being selfish as the weekend’s ‘our time’. Just because I have more of an active life and social life, why am I being selfish – I would love her to go out away from me occasionally, see a film etc, but she won’t – it has to be with me. Also as I go out drinking and partying, this is always the root of her argument, just because she doesn’t do it – but I am still only 28!!!
- Have been planning to go to Australia to work for a few years. She hated the idea from day one but I have told her it is something I have to do in my life and need to do it soon (due to Working Holiday Visa requirements). She has now agreed to the idea but insisted her mom comes. Her mom is only going because my GF has begged her, which I find weird as she is 38! Again for peace of mind I have gone along with it, however whenever we argue lately I am being told by her I am forcing her and her mother to go to Oz!! Not once have I said this, but why the resentment.
- Things in common. Very little. Only go to nice restaurants together and chores like shopping etc. She doesn’t like drinking or clubbing, little interest in films/TV/cinema (opposite to me). Sex life is poor as well, which I know has alarm bells ringing straight away.
Now a lot of you will think just end it, but it isn’t that simple. After our worst arguments I have often said, this is it, the end. I don’t want this anymore. She will either laugh “you can’t get rid of me that easy, you made me like this now you have to deal with me” or breakdown and cry – once even begged me not to leave her. But the same thing happens again and again – we make up after and brush it off. Basically papering over the cracks!
The main factor scaring me is she won’t cope without me. I am afraid I would push her over the edge and into a breakdown again. I don’t know if this is emotional blackmail but I think she never believes it when we fight and I say it’s over, because she thinks I won’t do it. I really don’t know who to talk about it with. How would I bring it up with her mom?!? As this is the person she would turn to as she won’t cope by herself.
She often tells me I will never find anyone like her, someone that loves me so much and “devotes” their life to me. I sometimes think she is right. She is a safe GF, wouldn’t cheat, doesn’t ask for a lot and would settle down. When things are good, I do fall back into the recluse of “being happy”, however it’s less frequent lately due to working away. And I can’t dismiss there are major issues when things aren’t going smooth and I can’t keep taking the blame for it.
Simply I am not happy, and if honest I haven’t been for some time – I guess I have “pretended” or “disillusioned” myself, but haven’t had the balls to do something. I think deep down she must think the same as well, but it’s getting though to her.