I need help!

[Kealy]

To give some history, I have been broken up with my ex boyfriend since August 2011. So we're looking at nearly a year out now. We broke up because of several reasons (frequent arguments, differences in priorities etc). It's all very complex and there's so much to say but essentially, I initiated it but shortly after wanted to give it another try (desperately) but he shut me out and wanted time apart. I tried NC but I've only managed a 2 week stretch and it's almost been a year. It was incredibly painful and I went through a period of intensely low mood for the latter part of '11 and the start of this year. All this time he has told me how much he loves me and has hated hurting me but always shut down when I wanted to discuss the relationship.

I decided at the start of the year I would try to turn my situation around and do something to get out of this depression, and after many failed attempts of trying to reconcile with him (lots of begging) I accepted that we are over now and made plans to go travelling to Australia for the next year at least. I am now leaving in a few weeks time. Since I told my ex this he has told me he is devastated I am leaving and hates himself for being 'such a fool', bla bla. I moved to where I am now to be with him and I think he feels terribly guilty that he 'wrecked' it for me and left me all alone in a place we should have been together, and he feels I am going away because of him. I've said I've always wanted to do it, and it will be good for me. Ideally, I wish we were still together but he decided he didn't want me so I am trying to make the best out of the way things turned out.

I have seen him a few times in the past month and it's been quite upsetting and confusing. When we are together it's like no time has passed at all. I still feel deeply in love with him and we know each other inside out. He is just the absolute love of my life, my best friend and it's now killing me to think of being on the other side of the world from him. We have kissed when we're together and been affectionate. I have confronted him about the concern that it is all too easy for him to have this attitude as I am leaving, but he insists that me leaving to go has made him see how much I mean to him. He said he would never ever ask me not to go, and wants me to as he knows I should do this for myself. But he has cried with me when we're together about the loss of the relationship and says he still cries about me all the time. He said he is so sorry for treating me how he did but he was confused and said he felt that he needed time to get himself back after having been with me for a couple of years. But he says hand on heart he has not been with anyone else and can't imagine being with another girl other than me.

Please don't say to me that he doesn't care or is playing with me. I know this person and while I do think that what he is doing is unfair, I know he loves me and doesn't mean to hurt me. I should say that during the past few months he has been a great support to me since my grandmother has been ill, and I have really appreciated having that support, particularly from him of course. A lot more has happened since the breakup, of course, but I hope I am giving you the most relevant details.

I don't really it but I do genuinely think he is confused and doesn't know what to think himself. But I can't understand what I am supposed to think or feel right now. My head and my heart are completely torn. I'm leaving in a few weeks and all I can think of is him and how much I love him and how I just do not want to spend my life with anyone else. I have asked about potentially reconnecting when I get back, but we both understand that it's foolish to commit to something like that when lots can change. I just feel deflated and torn and I really don't know what I can do from here out.. I love him, and he loves me but this is just a ridiculous situation. I can't believe I'm moving as far away as I possibly could be from the person I want to be with. I should be excited about my future. But I'm not at all. I love him and I still feel so heartbroken about this nearly a year down the line Please help me if you can!

[Kealy]

can anyone offer some support?

[haxan]

To be honest, all of the contact you've done, the 'begging' etc. I'm sure there is a part of him that feels obligated to your happiness. He's probably a nice guy who wants to move on from you, but doesn't have the heart to shut you out every time you contact him. I'd venture to say that you're both better off moving on.

[Kealy]

[QUOTE=haxan;811799]To be honest, all of the contact you've done, the 'begging' etc. I'm sure there is a part of him that feels obligated to your happiness. He's probably a nice guy who wants to move on from you, but doesn't have the heart to shut you out every time you contact him. I'd venture to say that you're both better off moving on.[/QUOTE

But he is initiating the contact with me and has suggested the get togethers and stuff. Just this morning I received a text from him saying 'i miss you ***, wish you were here '

So it's not like I am pestering him by contacting him at all.. he genuinely acts like he is hurting that I'm leaving. I don't get it and don't know what to do with myself..

[Cerby]

You have wasted a lot of time not getting over this relationship. The constant contact and the talk about being in love, but no relationship has made it so you can't move on. You're damaging yourself by not cutting him out. This Australia thing could be the best thing for you, if you're that far away, maybe you can finally start to move on. You're just wasting time with this guy right now, he may care about you a great deal, but its clear there is no relationship to have.

[caligirl23]

If you two truly have the ability to pick up where things have left off the times you have been together, than I cannot see a reason why you cannot do that when you go to Australia and come back (If that's in the plan). I say...move on like the relationship is over and enjoy the time you both have away to see how you really, truly feel. I agree with Cerby, that Autralia might be the best thing that has happened to you.