Need some advice

[North_Star]

Hi,
I just need some advice as I am in kind of a dilemma now.
This is the whole situation: About 4 days back, I patched back with my ex-girlfriend. We were together for around 3 years during which there was a 6 months break up. After the 2nd break up, its was almost 1 year before the patch back 4 days back.

Basically she has been the pro-active party in this patch back. She told me lots of stuff about finding an actually person who really understands her and wanting to spend the rest of her life with me.

Initially I was pretty firm about my decision not to patch back but I related with the many touching things she said. In a way, I must say I have always knew I wanted to spend my life with her in the earlier 3year relationship. I really loved her but let her go then because I felt we were drifting apart. When she asked me about patching back, I did have some of those feelings coming back not totally.

After only 4 days of this re-kindled relationship, I am having some reservations. Mainly because I feel we have developed into very different characters over the past 1 year(our characters were quite different in the past but complemented in a unique way)I feel that this change taken away some(not all) of the feeling that she is the one I want to spend my life with. We did some intimate things like making out but not to the extent of intercourse. Somehow everything felt different, I can't pinpoint the problem but it seems that somehow, I don't really view her as the one I am destined to be with although I can honestly say I still love her a lot.

I am very torn now as to whether I should let this relationship continue to see if it works out cause I really love her. Yet I thought of breakup now since its still in the early stages so as to lessen the hurt since she initiated the patch back.

It is very hard to make an independent decision but I hope that you can give me some advice on this issue.

Sincere thanks to all replies

[sfalexi]

People can change a lot in a year. Undoubtedly you and her both have changed, and if you are sensing that you don't love her as much as you did, you are probably right.

If you feel as though she is no longer the person you want to spend your life with, I think there are two ways to go about it.

1) An early breakup would be a good way to go, sparing her the pain of a breakup at a more serious point in the relationship. Also, it doesn't lead her on at all into thinking that she's getting closer and closer.

2) You can stay together, but make it very clear that you're not sure it's gonna work out. Tell her that you don't feel like you used to about her, but tell her that you wouldn't mind spending time getting to know each other better, and by all means TAKE IT VERY SLOWLY! This way she knows not to expect love and marriage and kids, but only a period of dating in which you get reaquainted with her. Maybe you'll find that she's changed for the better and, while it's not the same love, it'd be just as good, but different. But then again, maybe you will find that she hasn't changed for the better. In which case you will have to break up with her.

I would do number two, provided I was very explicit on explaining that it's a trial situation, not "back together for good" but just getting to know each other again.

Alexi

[North_Star]

ok thanx alexi, i think that is a very nice advice you gave me thank you once again.

hope someone else can give me more views

[dazedandconfused]

me agrees with alexi. i have been in similar situations on a number of times. i like your approach, north star, cause you do care about the girl's feelings. i say if you're sure it's not over, give it a try, but take it slow and just get to know her. in my situation, as soon as i was *sure* the girl was not the One, i let her go. it was a painful decision, but i knew it was the right thing to do. she still hurt, but it would've been much worse later on. right now i am in love and happy, but i hesitated to tell her i loved her until i was dead sure. and even then i kept holding it back out of fear that she does not love me back. until i could hold it back no more. and now i know i really do love her and she loves me, too. but i wouldn't want to lead her on if i was just "interested". try to make sure she is willing to follow your lead in terms of the pace of your new relationship.

one of my best friends dated a girl for two years before they broke up (he initiated because he felt they were too different even though they loved each other). he dated someone for a while, realized it wasn't going anywhere and ended the relationship. and then they got back together (a year later) and after a while they got married. in their case, the change that happened in both of them was positive - he matured in his approach to many things and she changed some of her defensive and controlling ways. try and explore what the two of you are like now - maybe the new "you's" will fit each other better on a different, higher level. and then, again, maybe not. but you'll never know unless you try it.

[North_Star]

yup that is very true. Thank you dazedandconfused. i just want to do something which i eventually won't regret and not hurt her I guess i will let it be for now and let nature take its course and see how this goes. Hopefully everything turns out fine!