Love Online - A Digital Conundrum of Physical Proportions

[Syndrome]

I met this girl through an online game over 9 months ago. I don't remember exactly how long we've been in contact, but I know it's been that long at least (possibly a month or so more). For context, we're both in our early/mid twenties. We discussed the idea of being in a relationship very early on and have been moving steadily forward since.

Throughout the months, we've had various "growing" moments in terms of how we communicate and what we feel comfortable communicating to one another. We're both similarly introverted to the point of understanding each other, in many cases, almost implicitly.

However, most of our interaction has been through a mutual online game, email, or texting. We've interacted through Skype a few times, more so recently, but our face-to-face interaction is not extensive. So far, our most obvious compatibility and chemistry is in our intellects.

Recently, I had a weird day: Had a headache, felt more withdrawn than usual, but I had planned to meet with the girl over Skype that day, so I did anyway. Everything went ok, but at the end of the day, I felt kind of withdrawn in relation to her. It felt sort of like some spark of interest had temporarily faded.

Fast forward to a day or so later, I walked around outside to try to clear my head and I ended up feeling what I can only describe as love in relation to the girl. I have some difficulty in understanding and dealing with my feelings, so I can only assume that the "dull" or "numb" feeling I had previously felt was a defense mechanism trying to keep me from being overwhelmed. Note that the feelings I felt were not infatuation. I've felt that before numerous times and this was nothing like that. It was like a wave of incomprehensible yet beautiful emotion washing over me.

The problem is, I don't know how to handle these feelings at all. My experience with relationships - outside of this girl - is nill and neither me nor the girl are in a comfortable financial/time situation for meeting in person. We live in different states and are both going to college currently, or signed up for an upcoming semester.

Part of me wants to tell the girl what I felt, but I'm afraid that even if I don't come on too strongly and she voices mutual feeling, it will only place us in an uncomfortable situation where our feelings are in the open but we can't "test" them to ensure that they would stay strong in a physical sense.

For now, I'm probably going to continue to play things by ear and continue to act the same as I have. In the mean time, I thought I'd put forth this experience and see if anyone more experienced has some thoughts that might help me see the "problem" more clearly.

[VincenzoG91]

College is a great time in your life to develop your social skills. Don't squander that time sitting at the computer, nursing some long-distance online crap. Date locally. Date real women who live in your area. Long-distance relationships usually fail, and yours doesn't sound especially promising right now.

[IndiReloaded]

You are over thinking this, making it more than what it is. Stay friends, chat online *but date real live girls at college*. Vince is right, you are missing out. It gets a lot harder to meet compatible people once you leave college, so make the best of this time. Join clubs and meetups, go to parties, have fun!

[smackie9]

Ya I have to agree with the others here. Online long distance relationships are 20% reality and 80% fantasy. You can't truly know someone unless they are physically a part of your life. The only thing in common you have is you play an online game together. You are in college for f uck sakes....take advantage of the fact that there are all those girls that you see everyday on the campus.....they are right there for the picking.

[Syndrome]

I appreciate the responses, but I'm not sure I understand the sentiment.

College is a great time in your life to develop your social skills. Don't squander that time sitting at the computer, nursing some long-distance online crap. Date locally. Date real women who live in your area. Long-distance relationships usually fail, and yours doesn't sound especially promising right now.

Call me biased (I am) but people online are still real people. Interacting with others online has actually done wonders for my social skills and helped me do a lot of personal development that I may have otherwise missed or ignored while "going out and having fun." I can see, however, why you would say that my relationship doesn't sound very promising, especially considering the way I described it.

You are over thinking this, making it more than what it is. Stay friends, chat online *but date real live girls at college*. Vince is right, you are missing out. It gets a lot harder to meet compatible people once you leave college, so make the best of this time. Join clubs and meetups, go to parties, have fun!

That's just the thing though. Regarding some of my more recent experiences with it, thinking has nothing to do with it. And if I'm making it more than what it is, then I'm really misunderstanding some of the interaction me and this girl have had over the months we've been in contact. I do realize that it's hard to make it anything very concrete until we meet in person, which is why I brought up the topic.

As for meeting compatible people, I'm sure you're right, though part of the problem there is that I both have little intention to stay in this state when I finish college and the person who I met online is actually very compatible with me in terms of personality.

Ya I have to agree with the others here. Online long distance relationships are 20% reality and 80% fantasy. You can't truly know someone unless they are physically a part of your life. The only thing in common you have is you play an online game together. You are in college for f uck sakes....take advantage of the fact that there are all those girls that you see everyday on the campus.....they are right there for the picking.

To a point, I entirely agree with you, though I'm not sure I made it clear enough how similar me and this person are, overall. Gaming is certainly not the only thing we have in common. For example, if you typed us on personality, we would fit the exact same type.

[smackie9]

So you came on here for....?

[Syndrome]

So you came on here for....?

Um, advice?

Sorry, I didn't realize I was supposed to just take the advice I was given without contesting/questioning it at all?

I'll go elsewhere. It makes no difference to me. Like I said, I appreciated the responses - but that doesn't mean I'm going to adopt them. I'm in my twenties, I'm not 5.

[smackie9]

Well it seems you have already have in mind what you are going to do anyways, that is why I said that but no matter.

Sorry but your story is not new to us, and we are just speaking from our experience, as you asked in your post.....we are just trying to save you the trouble that is all. But carry on.

[IndiReloaded]

www.onlywhatiwanttohear.com

[smackie9]

Lol!!!!...........

[JustPassing]

I agree with the others that long distance relationships can be incredibly hard and in my experience tend to fail. Not to say they never work out, but in my experience at least it definitely makes maintaining a relationship much more difficult! And in your case especially with the financial / time situation making a meeting any time soon all but impossible by your own admission... I would have to side with the others and urge you to look for someone closer to home. If you're in college than you have your whole life to search for that special someone! As there are sooo many girls out there who you haven't even met yet (either online or in the real world) and if you talked to a few more people (online or in the real world) and gave them a chance I'm sure you would find many who are compatible with you, share interests and hopefully live physically closer to you!!

That said, I can perhaps better relate to your dilemma than others here, as I've had to go down the online dating route just to find compatible people myself. And I can appreciate how hard it can be to connect with people in the real world, as like you, I am also very introverted and shy. As a result I disagree with others who imply that its easy to meet people who you can connect with in the real world! For some people its not!! And I confess I also tend to find it much easier to be myself and connect with people online. Of course you could make the case that I'm not really being myself online because I am so shy, but I honestly feel there is more to me than shyness and I feel much freer to be myself online where I can express things I just can't in person!

Also I know know several people who met online and had long distance relationships for a short time while they were getting to know each other but are very happy together now... so I it can work! I'm not saying its easy and I know its likely very rare, but if both you and this girl, for example, decided together that you wanted to make a serious go of it and really put the effort in 110% then who knows! Of course the distance would be a MAJOR hurdle but in theory it wouldn't be impossible assuming you were both on the same page and commited (which admittedly would be tough to judge so I wouldn't make it your first choice!)

As it would be a long shot! Even if she seemed equally committed to the idea it would be! But if you really feel that strongly about her then maybe it is worth the risk to see where she's at on the subject. I'd be very careful how you bring up the topic though as if she is on a totally different page, has only been joking around then it might push her away. Still guess that's the chance you take to find love! Where ever it might be!

I know others here will likely mock my views... but I think most people are just so naturally good at real life socialising, that they can't really relate to how difficult it can be for us mega geeks! To me real life and online dating / relationships have both encurred their problems (I'm now 26), but generally I have to admit.. I find it much easier to express myself and get to know someone in text first before I meet them! And I realize most people just won't get that! But everyone is different! You do what you feel comfortable with!

Good Luck!!

[IndiReloaded]

Keep thinking of Incredibles w/this guys SN.

[oldskool83]

Be real man, if someone if not with in basicly 25 miles which can be as much as an hours drive forget it. gotta love the ones who say oh thats not bad your only 100 miles away...do that 2 times and your burned out. find somoene locally or get a dog.

[VincenzoG91]

A strictly online relationship is more or less no better than whacking off to internet porn.

[DreamWeaver89]

Hi, i read ur post & my jaw dropped. I've been in a relationship with a guy for about 6 months & we've never met. We live on different continents! We met on this language exchange site where i was tutoring & just started talking. soon enough we've both developed feelings for each other. If you are having that feeling of being in love with her...tell her! I can guarantee that she feels the same way! At least thats what happened to me when he told me. I almost knew he was gonna say it when he did. Don't let people get you down about these online relationships. Ur feelings are legit & its not like you met at match.com with the intentions of entering a relationship. It was completely random. I do believe it could work. I'm sure when money isn't tight you could take a trip to see her. I'm in college too. About the enter my final year. I also thought that maybe i'm wasting my time with this person when i could be out partying & meeting people that way. Infact, i tried to meet people that way but not one person shared my interest or made me feel even 10% of what i feel with this guy. I'm a firm believer in fate. There were a many reasons why i could have NEVER met him. So the fact that we met at all & had mutual feelings is pretty amazing. I'd say give it a chance. There is nothing to lose. Thats how i feel. I was really reluctant about this relationship & questioned if i lost my mind. But its real. I just wanna give you some encouragement and wish you luck!

Jaimie