I need to know if I should keep fighting, or tuck tail and run. I have a story to tell, and I will try and make it short. I would like some opinions. I don’t know if Im seeing hope where there is none or not. If you think you need more info than what I give let me know. I will take any help I can get. Sorry how long this is, im not great at this sort of thing
4 years ago I met a woman. She has become the love of my life. We spent every second together. Two years into our relationship, we got engaged. Two years after that a stupid argument based on misunderstandings and miscommunications turned into something I would of never in my wildest night mares would of imagined. Four days after the argument I was asked to leave the house we got together, that 3 cats and dog we got. She asked me to put my key and the garage door opener on the desk and go. It was the last I heard her voice for the next 4 days. Took three days to get a txt. I haven’t seen her since the first argument. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know how 4 years of a relationship could be thrown away in four days. I don’t understand what I could have don’t to make her not want to fight and just give up. I did make mistakes but…well I don’t know. Ill try to explain how things went down, and go from there to now.
Fourteen weeks ago, my fiancé stated a new job. I was a great load off of our shoulders for several reasons. The first and biggest was because she was going to loose her old job due to a buy out of her company. The second (in my opinion) was that she would be able to make some new friends. She didn’t have any at her old job and the only friend she ever talked about was a woman who was 26 years older than her. Everything was going great! She loved her new job and was doing great at it. We were so happy, so I thought. She would always come home and tell stories about how much fun she had at work. I started to notice a pattern that brought up some old fears in me. Every story centered around a guy named Josh. My fears were based on both hers and my past. My past I had been cheated on several times and in hers she cheated on her first husband. One night after she went out drinking with people at work, I sat her down so I could talk to her. I told her that I had this fear of being cheated on because of our pasts. Told her it made it hard to trust her but that I did. I wanted to be honest with her, to get this out on the table so we could both work on it so it wouldn’t turn into a problem. It back fired. As time passed Josh got fired and was escorted out of the building with out getting his things. So my sara had them and was going to give it to him. A week past and she still had it. One night while driving, she was telling me more stories about work and after she was done talking I asked when she was going to give Josh his stuff. She then said she was going to give it to him tomorrow, him and her were going to go have drinks. I asked “when were you going to tell me this?” she said “right now” and I said the only way I knew was because I asked. My fears got a hold of me, but weren’t in control. I was up set because I felt disrespected. I asked her if she can realize how upset she would be if I went out for drinks with my guy friends with out telling her let alone a woman? All she responded with was “yup”. ( I should explain. At the start of our relationship and in ways all the way to the end, she was always very jealous. She always would ask what girls at work were hitting on me, were they pretty, things like that. I took her to a work party so she could see these people and put her worries to rest and to show people at work that I was with someone and happy. One of the girls came to greet me and sara started to cry right there. Said that girl was so pretty and I would leave her. Later she told me that when I would waive good bye to her in the mornings from the apt window, she thought I was keeping an eye out for another girl.} Any way so that’s why I felt disrespected. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust her or have faith in her, I just felt she didn’t take my feelings in to account.
The next day I txted her and said when she gets home, we need to talk. I got home and she was waiting. We started talking and things went so very wrong. She said the no relationship can last with out trust. I asked her what she was trying to say? She said she thought it mend the end of the relationship. I tried to point out that it wasn’t a trust thing just a respect thing. I also told her it scared me that she could have such a drastic reaction to our second fight in 4 years. All that day my stomach was in knots because I was worried about a fight, never a break up. The day after that was tense. She went to her sisters for a birthday party. When she came home it was late and I was in bed. She got in, rubbed my back and kissed my shoulder. It was great, but I was scarred so I acted like I was asleep. The next morning we had a talk before I left for work. I thought things were getting better. I was getting happy. By noon she txted me we should talk. I txted back “are things not getting better for you?” she said”no” I asked “worse” she said “I think you should stay at your moms” I finally got her to talk to me on the phone and she told me how things had been building up for a while and she wanted me out for a while. I asked her why she never said anything. Told her if I had know I could have done something. In the end she said she would see me when I got home and we would talk. By the time I got home she wasn’t there, and wasn’t going to be. That’s when she asked me to leave the key and opener. And I asked how long I should pack for and she told me a few days atleast.
So I left and this is where I made my first mistake. I txted her, obsessively I was a total case of my ocd kicking in and my fears feeding off of it all. I kept thinking if she would just talk to me we cold fix it. Instead I made things worse. I kept getting confused. She would sent me goodnight and good morning txts, and that would make me think she was open to talking. Wrong again. Four days later she spoke to me. Told me that things weren’t 50/50. I wasn’t helping enough with the house work. She also said that I kept her from her friends and family.Then she told me I didn’t try hard enough to be friends with her friends and family It ended with her saying she didn’t thing she was in love with me any more.
I felt like I was going to die. I begged her just to talk to me and she wouldn’t. After thinking about things I realized she was right. I should have been doing more about the house work. And as for her friends, I didn’t exactly see where she was coming from. As for the family, again I was confused because I went to every family function she had. She was right about the not trying hard enough with the friends and family. Im very shy and I let it control me. I agreed with her.
After she told me all this, I was actually happy, excited even. I thought, now that I know whats wrong I can fix things. I realized she was right about my shyness. I thought I just need to let go of my own hang ups and apply myself. In fact I thought it would be good for me! As far as the house work, well I agreed with that right away. After some thought I traced it all back to a depression I had sunk into when I lost my job and got injured. I wasn’t using it as an excuse, more of a reason to understand why I had changed. I wanted to tell her what I realized, and explain to her that this was something I/we could work on and fix and in the end it would make us stronger. She wouldn’t speak to me.
Days passed. After a while her FB page no longer said she was engaged, but she kept me on her friends list. She ignored my txts about letting me see our pets, txts about trying to get my cell phone back, and txts trying to figure out when I could get my things. I kept asking myself why she would keep me on as a friend? Did it mean anything? Finally I wrote her a letter. Told her how much she meant to me. Talked about all the little things we had together that I missed. Told her I would always be in love with her, that that would never change. Asked her if things cant be fixed, would she please remove me as a friend after she read the letter.
The next day she txted me saying I still had things at the house. I called her and to my amazement she picked up. I calmly asked her if we could talk. If nothing else I would like to get some answers and get closure. I was able to go over a lot of what I was thinking telling her that I could make these changes. She told me that it wouldn’t be genuine and she didn’t want me to change myself. I explained I wouldn’t be changing who I am, but bettering my self. Who I am wouldn’t change. She then said people don’t change. I told her I didn’t think she could ever believe that. I said “ you cheated on your husband. And 9 years later your still not a cheater.” I told her people can change, they just have to want too, and have to want too for the RIGHT reasons. By this time I had learned a lot of lessons. I didn’t want to talk to much, and do what I did before and push her away. The talk went well I thought. She giggled a few times, and we both were in tears. At the end of the conversation I told her that I would love if we could speak some more, but I will wait for her to call me. I told her I didn’t expect her to say it back but I loved her and good bye.
I felt so AMAZING! I thought we had a break thru. I immediately got hungry. (I hadn’t eaten in 6 days) That night she txted me to tell me good luck on an eye operation I was having the next day. Again I felt amazing for the same reasons. I txted back and said thank you sara and told her how much it meant to me that we got to talk, and hoped we could again soon.
The next day, I txted her around noon and asked if she would be up to talking some more. I got no response. Now here I am on this forum asking for help. I don’t know what to think. Is there hope or am I torturing myself, convincing myself there is something there that isn’t.